Around and around we go

This cycle is so unpredictably predictable. 

Even after that ridiculous and nasty blowup a few days ago, the one where he was angry and yelling after I said he should take some free time, some time for himself, he’s still managing with record speed to become the victim.

Predictably, since this was a time when his hand was not only in the cookie jar, but part of the cookie was sticking out of his mouth, and crumbs were everywhere, he was sorry.  Really, what else could someone who’s driven by image management think or say in the aftermath?  I’m sorry was the only thing that a ‘nice guy’ could say and still stay ‘nice’.

Except when this kind of thing happens, the next part of the cycle after ‘I’m sorry’ is the need to move back into victim status for him.  The subterranean and covert machinations seem to kick in.  It’s usually little stuff, comments about being tired, not feeling well, needing a break, but just about any trail that leads to self-pity seems to suffice.  From self-pity, it quickly launches into resentment.

Resentment.  The old familiar and ever present hallmark of a passive aggressive is the never ending, seemingly bottomless well of resentment.

So, last night we watched a show with the kids.  Sat together on the couch, both tired, at least getting along on the surface.  Sometimes, I lean into those moments because I just want it to be true.  I want that everything is okay right this moment so desperately.

However, it (the resentment) already seems to be starting.  Almost every morning, he likes to have a homemade kind of fruity eggnog for breakfast.  Organic eggs, raw milk, blueberries, cinnamon, a dollop of raw honey etc.  He often makes extra for our sons.  This morning, I was up and about before him, and got the fruity nog ready.  All he had to do was turn on the blender. 

His response? 

I wasn’t sure I was going to have that for breakfast.  I’m not feeling quite well, so I thought I might have something with oranges and carrots instead.

Me:  Okay

Then one of our sons walks into the room (aka audience).

Him:  (super pleasant ‘nice’ demeanor and tone) Say, that’s quite a tasty nog you made, thank you!

(I wait for our son to leave the room.)

Me:  Why couldn’t you just say thank you when I gave it to you?

Him:  (instantaneous switch to resentful)  You didn’t even ask me what I wanted this morning!  You just decided for me!

I think he continued on a mini rant for a minute or so. 

This is a familiar dynamic too.  No matter what I try to do over the years, he has difficulty just saying a simple Thank you. 

For example, if I bring him lunch, he’ll say something like:  I’m not sure I’m ready for lunch.  or I was planning to eat lunch a little later.  or  I was planning on having something else to eat.

But one of his past rare overt explosions was purportedly because I didn’t make him lunch. 

I can’t win for losing.


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11 Responses to Around and around we go

  1. chosetobehappy says:

    It’s like the hamster wheel, and WE hamsters (the real victims) cannot get off because someone else is spinning the wheel. Mine is more covert than passive and the explosions are much more often which means the cycle is closer to 2 weeks. I’m seriously wiped out. It’s great to have found this blog and the one you have mentioned before because at least I have somewhere to find some solace reading that others are experiencing the same thing and that I am not so alone anymore. It gives me the courage to take the steps to make myself sane again and I’m on my way thanks to all of you.


  2. Fern says:

    Oh joy, the ‘Damned if You Do, Damned if You Don’t’ Syndrome…..nothing short of crazy-making when they pull that malarkey (like when you are actually trying to be thoughtful/helpful, but they twist it with a negative spin and turn it into a power play. Perverse!). So is the poor-me, put-upon ‘Victim Act’, not to mention the always lovely “Playing to an Audience” maneuver. Fun and games. What I want to know is….are these people all reading the same Narc/P.A. Handbook or what??? I mean seriously — how is it that they ALL end up displaying what are basically the same exasperating behaviors across the board regardless of sex, age, culture, class, race, you name it….? Mind boggling.


    • chosetobehappy says:

      right I know, and the damage control they exert after being “bad” like a child… annoying. Truly and blood curlingly annoying…. I’m in that cycle at the moment and I want to rip the hair off my head and I’m supposed to be the sane one.


    • WritesinPJ's says:

      It is strange how many cookie cutter dynamics and quirks there seem to be!


  3. Amanda says:

    So beautifully written I can feel it, see it and hear it. Please keep writing and I will keep reading.


  4. ChickenLadyMovedToTown says:

    Your comment on the resentment is right on target. This is when it gets so ugly and complicated that it’s almost impossible to explain to someone that doesn’t understand how PA’s operate. I was exhausted and tired of playing the same ol’ word game, “Who can get the dagger the deepest.”
    You’re not alone, PJ, we get it!
    (I’m gonna call you PJ, because you’re always in your jammies. 🙂


    • WritesinPJ's says:

      ChickenLady, I love chickens too. We had them for years, until one year my husband decided to use the coop as storage. I’m debating on taking on another battle to get a small flock back again. But on the other hand, I’ve been methodically trying to eliminate anything that might tip the balance of my choices.
      Thanks for the smile at the ‘PJ’!


      • ChickenLadyMovedToTown says:

        Sometimes it’s not worth a battle to get a few simple things, is it? That’s exactly why you no longer recognize who you really are, and don’t even know what it is that you truly like. As the indentured servant, the debt you owe unfairly continues to grow, and you constantly pine for the day that you will once again realize freedom.
        Sojourn. Carry on with the dreams. Your day will come my dear, PJ.


  5. DotedOn says:

    Again… I’m reading my life story with your words… Stay strong PJ and all the rest :).


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