My two husbands: part two

It’s sobering and humbling (even embarrassing) to realize how long I’ve been been processing and wrestling with the question:

Who is he?

Several years ago when I was first gaining awareness that abuse was a reality, I attempted to lay it out in words.  This morning, I’ve tried several times to explain my feelings after reading my written words from back then, but each time it kept turning into another post for later.  Instead of trying to explain how I feel about it now, or adding examples that have carried on since then, I’ll just leave it at my words from SEVERAL years ago.  This never feels simple, but maybe one day it will all seem simple and clear.  I’m forcing myself to look, and it feels like taking my fingers and forcibly peeling my eyelids open.  It makes me feel tired and sad too.  Here is my voice from the past:

I’m tempted to look at him totally in terms of black and white because it appeals to my emotions, inasmuch as it allows me to hurt, be angry, and vent without personal responsibility.  Do I mean responsibility for his behavior?  Not a chance.  I mean for my choosing to be in the relationship, my choosing to put up with all the hellish parts of it, and my choosing to ‘let him’ treat me the way he has.  The insanity of thinking over and over that this time my love would ‘fix’ him.

While I believe that many ‘normal’ things are done by my husband for bizarre, skewed, and unhealthy reasons, I don’t believe that it defines him in entirety.  Who is my husband/abuser?  Where is hope for him?  What is his worth?  I choose for God to have the last say because God knows I only want Him to answer those questions about ME.

Some examples of why I want to only be angry, but can’t.

He leaves me totally alone in the hospital after a birth with a serious hemorrhage.  I couldn’t lift my head off the pillow without passing out, and when I was finally able to pull the phone to me and call him (crying and begging), he refused to return to the hospital because he was ‘busy’.

He stayed up all night when two of the kids and I had food poisoning on a trip, cleaning up after us and taking care of us without complaining.

When I was away visiting my family, he jumped in the car at 4:00 a.m. and drove 600 miles quickly because I’d called from a hospital emergency room after rushing there with our (then) two year old because of a terrible asthma attack (his first).

He disconnected from me throughout an entire pregnancy, was cool and aloof from me for months, acting as though I wasn’t pregnant.

He changed diapers and patiently walked a baby with colic, even during the night, and still loved and adored the fussy baby.

A control freak with money, he’s made many bad choices financially, ignored my input and advice, gotten us into financial messes, and yelled at me and lectured when I asked for money for basic needs while splurging on himself.

He’s respectful and loving to my parents, agreeing with me to take over payment of some of their medical bills, paying close to five thousand dollars over a couple years time.

He’s cowardly as an abuser, and often allowed his family to treat me like crap without saying a word to defend me.  He chose some of my lowest moments to rage and abuse, like when I developed a fever of 104 after one of our kids was born, and I’d just returned home from the emergency room.

He helped a stranger who was being robbed, chasing down the thief, even when a gun was pointed at him during the encounter.

He ruined my credit without my knowing, then forced us to move across country.  During the trip, when he saw some psycho coming to my car in a threatening manner, he jumped out of his truck and ran towards me to scare him off.

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9 Responses to My two husbands: part two

  1. chosetobehappy says:

    PF’s, it’s amazing to me that you can put into words exactly how I feel. Part of the reason I’ve stayed so long in this relationship was for the same reasons; good one minute – bad the next; then good again, etc…. you get the drift. They give us just enough to make us think there is hope to make the relationship work but then turn around and hurt us to our very core.

    I’ve yet to understand this man, I cannot for the life of me understand how after all these years, I am still there, the old me (the one I think is still inside me) would NEVER have accepted such BS from anyone but he somehow got under my skin because I LOVED HIM. I stood at my window so many times crying and praying for God to help me continue to love this man and to help him open his heart and his eyes to what he had in front of him: a wife who wanted nothing but the best and nothing but to love and be loved. I asking HIM to guide me along and HE has however my heart has been broken so many times that I suffer from PTSD and I cannot move forward, I just idle in place. I haven’t stopped praying but I stopped asking HIM to open my pah’s heart and eyes.

    I have 2 husbands too, the one I wish I could love again and the abuser I wish I didn’t hate.


  2. ChickenLadyMovedToTown says:

    Crud! I have to go get some stuff done around town. I can’t wait to get home, lay on my bed and read your new posts. It looks like another good one!
    It’s my new evening ritual: time with my friends. Love it!


  3. Expat says:

    Wow… going by your list some of these exact same things have happened to me with my ex husband.

    My ex pretended and ignored I was pregnant for almost 9 months. Everytime I tried to talk about it he would clam up until two weeks before delivery he told his parents. Then he got mad that I didn’t want to talk about my pregnancy with him anymore at that point. It was my fault.

    Made bad money decisions, ignored my advice, ruined my credit and still does even though we haven’t been married for four years, put me in a financial mess for the rest of my life. (Had me take out student loans then spent most of the money on crap) Eats out/buys extravagantly for himself. I got yelled at when would ask him for a few dollars to buy a pair of pants. I had one pair and never had any maternity clothes.

    Made us move cross country.

    Let his parents treat me like dirt for years and ultimately through covert actions let his empty nest syndrome mom have our child through illegal custody means in a county where my ex fil was a high ranking official in the court system.

    But then during the delivery he was coaching me on… by I guess what he saw on tv. Oh and he defended me once when someone yelled at me…. heh.


    • WritesinPJ's says:

      Scary to hear that four years after divorce he can impact your credit? How? I’m planning to rebuild mine, and hate to think it could be undone by someone else.


      • Expat says:

        When we were together we got a car loan, his is the primary borrower I’m on there as secondary. He has the car, I live in another country now. The loan company it is through will not take my name off the loan and redo it in his, we have to go through a bank etc. I have asked him several times to go to his bank and get it in his name. He said the first few times they wouldn’t approve him (last time I checked he made $46 an hour as a programmer so it shouldn’t be rejected) after that he keeps telling me he’ll get the loan redone. It’s been 4 years now. It is a very high interest loan 33% and I cannot afford to just pay off the car for him. So each he makes a payment the car payment is three months late. At the third month late they begin sending me emails about repossessing then he makes a payment. At any rate each month he is late it screws my credit.

        As an added bonus I am undergoing visas to live with my new husband. Our final visa depend on our income, so I have to endure getting my credit screwed until next year when I am not obligated to have X amount of savings to be able to stay here. Also, if the car ever is repossessed while undergoing my visa process and I am sued for the remainder that could affect my visa outcome and make it to where I would not be able to be with my new husband anymore. Fun huh?


        • Expat says:

          I should also add that there was an option in our divorce where we could have gone to court and had an order to have the car loan put soley in his name but I did not do that. I did not have money for a lawyer and at any rate I know he would not have signed the divorce papers had I done that. Just like he is with the loan the last four years… oh he’ll get it in his name…nothing happens… yep, I’m going to do that… nothing happens. I just wanted to start my life anew and get away from him. I wasn’t expecting this with the payments but really I should have given he doesn’t pay anything on time.


  4. DotedOn says:

    Hi PJ, yesterday you asked me how I was going to do once I moved… I really have no idea. But when you have time, please read this post,( ). More things happened but that day I just said: ENOUGH. Stay strong 🙂 Keep writing.


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