Second guessing

I hate that I’ve become a person who has so much doubt. 

I can feel happy, and in the same moment, wonder what will go wrong and when. 

Inability to relax in the moment, doubting that it’s okay to relax and enjoy it, is so tiring.

I can write or say something that I think is true, and feel the constant urge to check to see if it is.  It could be the date or time for something, it could be answering a question about history, what needs to go on a grocery list, or even how I feel about something.

I can feel sad or upset, and instantly wonder if I’m justified to have that feeling.  Am I seeing this truthfully?  Am I remembering this correctly? 

Or even… does it matter?  Am I wasting time and energy even wondering? 

I wonder about my wondering.

Right on the heels of my responding to anything will come this moment of doubt and second guessing. 

Was that right?  Is that right?  The urge to follow that up and substantiate that somehow is the next thing.

I want to be a more carefree person that … well, … doesn’t care.

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4 Responses to Second guessing

  1. Enough Already says:

    Reading your blog is helping me immensely. I just wanted to tell you that, and thank you.

    Like

  2. chosetobehappy says:

    I”m not surprised you feel this way, dealing with a pah for so many years will do that to their spouse. They leave chaos in their trails, they instill confusion and indecisiveness in their spouse due to them “working” on your self esteem and then breaking you to the point of not trusting your own gut feeling and your own good judgement. I feel the same, I’m working on it but it’s still very very present and it’s extremely difficult to get “sane” again since I’m stil with him, the shenanigans still happen so I stay in the same nasty merry-go-round of confusion, etc…

    Like

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