When hope is dangerous

I love to read stories of hope.  I love to read or hear about the positive and amazing things that keep hope alive.  Sometimes, hope is dangerous.

I’ve been reading over things written from several years ago.  Some were written by others in an online exchange, and some written by myself. 

This was a time period several years ago when I was fresh into realizations.  The concept of abuse was new to me.  It’s an incredible irony that you can be abused for years, and go to both marriage counseling and personal therapy without even one of the professionals asking a question that would illuminate the abuse.  It was reading the words of other women in an online forum that connected the dots for me.

My disconnect was huge, but theoretically, isn’t that what a professional counselor should be trained and savvy to discover?  The lack of training and inappropriate responses from those professionals played a rather huge part in my continuing to believe there was something I could do to help/save/fix my sad and lonely marriage.  This is one of the reasons that while I believe in the benefits of a great therapist, I don’t ever recommend joint marriage counseling when there is known abuse. 

I want to write about the danger of hope, but really I’m talking about false hope.  The largest collateral damage of false hope may be the precious Time it consumes.  Days turn into weeks turn into months turn into years, and before you know it, you’re staring at a stranger in the mirror.

Several years ago, when I had one foot out the door, when I over-estimated my strength and recovery, when I had no idea that I could lose so much more ground, I wrote this:

I think that first, you just need to have some relief from the crazy feeling.  That was a huge relief to me, and the first place I needed to walk away from.  I really know now that I’m not crazy.

No one plans to sink into the crazies.  We thought we were waltzing with a beautiful Prince, but instead found that we had slid subtly into this hellish dance that makes us feel like a puppet being yanked around.  But we really can learn to step out of it (detach), anticipate the sick movements of our partner, and finally really know that we can leave not only the partner, but the dance floor if we so choose.

Here I am, several years later, trying again to crawl off that same toxic floor.  My hope used to be that he’d change.  Now I hope that I can. 

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5 Responses to When hope is dangerous

  1. mel220 says:

    Wow. wow. wow. I am so tempted to print this off and send it to all the counselors I went to with my soon to be ex husband. This is so well put. It captures exactly how I’ve felt and could never quite put into words. Thank you!

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  2. chosetobehappy says:

    In my case I lost hope and trust overtime. I can’t really pinpoint when exactly I noticed it but I know that I increasingly became more and more jaded. Assuming the worse even in the best of times, and not fully enjoying the best of times because I knew something would soon hit the fan. Only to wake up years later numb and without feelings, expecting the worse every day, not speaking or replying and ignoring my relationship issues and my pah, spending more time alone trying to forget that I was stuck in a hamster wheel and daydreaming that one day I would be happy and the hope that my pah would change was long gone. I was resolved to endure his moods whether they were bad or good, no longer explaining to the kids or anyone else who would happen to “overhear” him or witness his behaviours and no longer defending him to anyone. I was walking around like a broken person, fat from overcompensated eating, no longer the fun person that used to let things slide off her back, in the worse negative frame of mind I had ever been in my life, not depressed no I woulnd’t allow myself this. He noticed finally because he felt me slipping away, then he managed to pull me back in after convincing me that he would change, that he would make the effort, that we would go to councelling but to no avail. It’s been a long hard road to no where and I am no longer closer to what I have been daydreaming HOWEVER…. I decided that I could stop being a doormat and I could start by respecting myself and not allow my pah to walk all over me for his pleasure. Once I did that, the natural progression was to take care of myself both mentally and physically and rebuild my self-esteem. It’s not perfect yet but I’m working on it, and as I’ve said I suffer from PTSD which is more annoying than anything because it sometimes stops me from progressing further but I’m getting there and one day, I KNOW that I will be happy like my daydreams, and I would much rather be alone than be abused. That’s why I “chosetobehappy”.

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    • chosetobehappy says:

      oh and the councellors were not bad, however I did have to point out to one of them that he had been had by my pah and I told him the real truth, he was fuming because he didn’t see it and he didn’t do much for us at that point unfortunately, I should have gotten out then, but there’s no point in regressing back to that time. As for the other 3 councellors, one knew and we used him twice but my pah was too stubborn to change and the 3rd one only saw what he wanted which is that my pah was good at convincing both the councellor and me that there would be change. There has been change, but will it be enough and will it last, only time will tell. Damn time, it feels like it’s just running away from me, I’m afraid to wake up in another 10 years and realize I’m no further than now. But I still “chosetobehappy”.

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