How someone can help

The scary and crazy thing about feeling crazy is what you can experience when you try to talk about it.  

You can meet with:

A: disbelief that someone is actually treating you that way (possibly because the person listening has no frame of reference or personal experience, and thinks therefore you must be exaggerating). 


B: disbelief that anyone (you) would tolerate such abusive behavior.  

The first means that you’re perceived as a little crazy because you must be touchy and temperamental and making a mountain out of a molehill.  Your charming and awesome mate couldn’t possibly behave as the person you’re describing, so you must have a skewed interpretation and view of his behavior.

The second means that you’re a little crazy if you’re so unhealthy that you put up with being treated that way.

Either way, you’re screwed.  End result?  You withdraw and isolate.  You hide how you feel, and what life is really like for you.

Rarely, oh so rarely, will anyone listen with understanding, or an attempt to understand without judgment, knowing that they’re hearing something profoundly powerful and disturbing, and that you are really asking for help.  You’re not just complaining, whining, or beeyotching, but asking for help.  You’re asking someone to enter into your corner of crazy, and take a safe, non-judgmental look around the room.  Their view and perspective might in time become trustworthy and believable to help you grow and heal, but first and foremost, it must be safe to let them in.

It’s a formidable battle to fight alone.  A sane perspective, non-judgmental eyes, and loving voice?  Priceless.

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9 Responses to How someone can help

  1. mel220 says:

    I’m just finishing reading a GREAT book for women in our situations. I’m already in the middle of the divorce process from my pah, so I don’t think I can apply the boundaries portion of the book for now, especially since we’re not even on speaking terms right now. But if nothing else, reading it has re-confirmed that I wasn’t crazy or just seeing things. It’s called “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage: How to Find Your Voice and Reclaim Your Hope”.


  2. chosetobehappy says:

    For sure. I’ve been saddled with the “I can’t believe that you of all people would accept this from anyone” because I do appear to have it together but really in my mind I’m really f*^%&d up. Only a very select few actually understand how it has happened over time and these select few cannot believe that I am still there. Anyone else is telling me to just suck it up or leave. Right, super easy to do isn’t.


  3. When I’ve tried to talk about my marriage, I’ve run into A: disbelief. I sound like I am crazy. Especially when I try to explain the non-relationship between him and his daughters. I do have to admit that it does sound insane that a man could live in the house with his children and have NOTHING to do with them. But it is totally true. When I tell people, they look at me like I am making it up. The other stuff that happens, sometimes maybe somebody will understand a little occasionally. But mostly I just keep quiet about it all – except for my blog – because I feel like I end up sounding irrational. My husband comes across as a nice, friendly, helpful guy. I must be insane to complain about him. Yep, that’s me. The crazy, whiny wife.


  4. Jane D. says:

    When I hit my limit, I have discussed my crazy marriage with one of my friends.

    I know that she thinks that I’m just blowing off steam, that my marriage is no different than hers, and that everyone’s marriage has problems. Hah!

    I have been seeing a counselor for the last couple of years and it has helped me tremendously. I’m lucky – this counselor gets it and he and I have been working on coping strategies. He said from the get go that my husband wasn’t going to change and that I was unlikely to ever have a “good” marriage. By the time I started seeing him I had figured that out so the counselor didn’t have to convince me of it.


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