The not sleeping most of the night always scares me a little, because I have a serious history with insomnia that I like to view as being mostly ‘in remission’, and I’d like to keep it that way. Last night was okay sleeping, so that’s a relief today.
It’s lonely in my world. Even when I’m with people, too often I feel alone with people. I think that’s at least in part because I’m most restful and peaceful within my being when things are honest. That’s a bittersweet irony to realize and write that, considering the years of disconnect and cognitive dissonance. Yet, it’s true. Even in the most disconnected of times, it explains (for me) the restlessness, the melancholy, the uneasy fatigue, and the tendency to run faster in the hamster wheel.
People tend to say, “Hi! How are you?” or “How’s life?” or “What’s new?” or “What have you been up to?”
You know what I mean.
I’d like to answer truthfully, but I give partial truths.
I say, “Doing okay, how about you?” or “It’s okay, much to be thankful for!” or “Not much, how about you?” or “Oh, the usual, how about you?”
I want to say, “I’m sad, scared, struggling, but trying hard and not giving up.” or “Life hurts more than I thought it would, but there’s much to be thankful for.” or “I’m not sure if there’s anything new, it seems like the same old struggles, but I’m trying hard to figure it out and change that now.” or “I’m putting my energy each day into recognizing my choices, and trying to work towards becoming a healthy person.”
Most of all, I want to say, “I hurt. Please help me if you can, even listening and caring helps. My marriage is lonely, and confusing, and I’m sad and I don’t know what to do. Everyday, I try to figure it out and get to a better place. Will you listen? Will you help me navigate this? Will you help build me up faster than I’m being torn down? Will you see good in me? Will you help me to see it? Will you believe in me, and will you help me to believe in myself?”