What does he feel

Does he like it?  Does he dislike it?  He loves me? He loves me not?  He wants this?  He doesn’t want this?  He believes strongly in that?  He trivializes that same thing?  Who is he?

Here is a strange thing: he seems to take on my values, likes, dislikes, beliefs.  I’ve made CD’s of songs I like, then they disappear and I find them with him.  Innately, I know that we really have different tastes in music.  It was most obvious when we met.  If I start taking a certain vitamin, he starts taking it.  I start reading my Bible at bedtime, he starts reading his at bedtime.  I get excited about a garden for healthy eating, and he preaches the benefit of a garden.  (until that time he was angry recently when he made a really condescending and resentful mark about last year’s garden…)  I don’t know how to explain this, because I don’t truly understand it myself yet. 

When I was young, I just accepted it all on face value, and assumed we were in sync.  As the years went on and the clues kept unraveling the faux fabric of reality, I struggled to comprehend. 

There was a conversation when we were newlyweds, in which I asked him “What are your dreams and goals?” 

(Yes, those are questions that should be asked before you ever marry someone, but I was young, naive, and had been intensely persuaded by him that he loved me and everything in life would be even better if we were married. And I was on the rebound when we met.) 

His response to my question was “I don’t know.”

Naturally, I thought he was either just tired, perhaps reluctant to reveal his dream, or didn’t understand what I meant by my question. 

The young passionate me rephrased the question, “Is there something you really want to do, something you really want out of life?”

He said in a completely calm and blase tone “Not really.”

A strange dark shiver ran across my skin when I heard his reply.  Like a frightening foreboding shiver.

I did what any young, naive, codependent woman would do.  I decided his passion was there, it just needed time and love to be revealed.

 

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10 Responses to What does he feel

  1. mel220 says:

    I’d always noticed this a little bit when I was still with my soon-to-be-ex. And since I’ve been away from him for several weeks now, I can clearly see this is EXACTLY what was happening in my marriage as well. I still find it creepy and unnerving that anything I liked, thought of, or wanted, he suddenly felt the same way, even in cases when I was positive he didn’t. In many instances he would actually take credit for the idea or plan, especially when it turned out to be a good one. I’ve read in the past week this is a common characteristic of a narcissist. And mine has all the signs of being one.

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  2. WritesinPJ's says:

    mel220, I forgot to write about the taking credit part, probably because I’m so used to it!

    My husband was raised by a clinically diagnosed pathological narc father. I don’t think my husband is a narc, but he does seem narcissistically driven at times.

    One difference I’ve noted between him and his father: his father goes through the motions of caring about children and animals. I think my husband genuinely loves kids and animals. I’ve seen him bond with and care for so many of our pets over the years. Maybe there’s no feeling of threat or control there. His father, on the other hand, doesn’t give a tuppence really about anyone but himself, and his grandiose fake image.

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  3. lonelywife07 says:

    Wow! This is sooo my life! A couple months ago I told my H that I wanted to volunteer at our church food pantry, just once a month…and he was against it!
    He told me that I was already involved in enough ministries…two…but I told him that I wanted to do it so I was…that’s me, being Un-codependent!! That therapy paid off! LOL!

    Anyway, the next thing I know, he’s telling our son that we’re ALL going to starting serving in the food pantry…as a family!! What??? This from the man who told me No?? And yes, he made it sound like it was HIS idea!! Sheesh!!
    He has no outside interests, he goes along with me when I make plans…and then complains about it…until we get there, then he’s Mr. Charming! Ugh!!!

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  4. My husband has his own interests, but when asked about dreams or goals, it’s almost as though he doesn’t “get” the question. When pushed, he might say, “Well, I used to want to be a doctor.” (He’s 59 now..) I think it’s sad. It’s hard to make a future with a person who thinks that things just happen and he has no control over anything.

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  5. chosetobehappy says:

    mine jsut gave up on his dreams, as if he wasn’t “allowed” to them. Not sure what he wants to do in his life but I know he wants to make more than me in terms of salary. lollll whatever.

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  6. livingthelie says:

    I’ve told my PAH many times that I don’t feel like I know him. I have no idea what he likes, doesn’t like, wants to do. It’s like he has this inner life that I know nothing about. He is a stranger to me emotionally. Young, co-dependent me thought it was just a matter of loving him enough and giving him enough time to come to trust me. But I’ve finally realized that he just can’t/won’t open up. Not going to happen regardless of what I do or don’t do. Trying to buy him gifts for Christmas or birthdays is impossible because I have no idea what he wants. When I ask, he says “I don’t know.” That and “it doesn’t matter” are his default responses to almost any question. But his behavior almost always shows that it does matter.

    It’s incredibly frustrating to try to plan a life with someone like this. We’re at the point in life we need to start planning for retirement and empty nest. I have no idea what he wants to do then. Travel? Move to the south? Take up golf? Not a clue. I feel like we’re just stumbling along down a path without having any idea where we’re going.

    But perhaps the worst of all is his resentment for my dreams and my goals. If I get passionate about something, he will find a way to undermine it or make it so miserable for me to pursue it that I end up dropping it. I have pretty much isolated myself socially because he resents any time I spend with my friends without him (nothing guarantees pouting and PA behavior like me making plans with a friend). He does hardly anything on his own, or have any interests. But when he does, by golly I have to pick up all the slack and be a loud cheerleader for it. His double standards make me crazy.

    Last week I went to see a therapist (again). I am not able to leave the marriage (yet) but I have to work on my co-dependency and find my voice to be able to pursue my happiness.

    Thank you for this blog, it helps me so much to know that I’m not alone and I’m not imagining things. This is a thing, a real thing, and it’s not all in my head.

    Like

    • chosetobehappy says:

      You’re definetely not alone… so many of us go through similar experiences with pa husbands. Noticed I didn’t type pa in capital, that’s because for me I don’t want to place too much importance on them but focus more on me and that’s what you have to do too. I have the same problem too with making plans on my own, I always end up paying for it in some way or another. I went away for a few days last year, a long awaited and planned trip with a girlfriend, when I came home, I wasn’t even fully in the house before I started getting crap from him. It ruined my trip.

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    • WritesinPJ's says:

      “But perhaps the worst of all is his resentment for my dreams and my goals. If I get passionate about something, he will find a way to undermine it or make it so miserable for me to pursue it that I end up dropping it. ”

      I agree. This is the worst for me also. I had to reread your entire post because it seemed as though I could have written it.

      Thank you (and all of you) for sharing this blog.

      Like

  7. DotedOn says:

    I agree!
    The I’m happy if you are happy, never applies for them.

    Like

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