Does he like it? Does he dislike it? He loves me? He loves me not? He wants this? He doesn’t want this? He believes strongly in that? He trivializes that same thing? Who is he?
Here is a strange thing: he seems to take on my values, likes, dislikes, beliefs. I’ve made CD’s of songs I like, then they disappear and I find them with him. Innately, I know that we really have different tastes in music. It was most obvious when we met. If I start taking a certain vitamin, he starts taking it. I start reading my Bible at bedtime, he starts reading his at bedtime. I get excited about a garden for healthy eating, and he preaches the benefit of a garden. (until that time he was angry recently when he made a really condescending and resentful mark about last year’s garden…) I don’t know how to explain this, because I don’t truly understand it myself yet.
When I was young, I just accepted it all on face value, and assumed we were in sync. As the years went on and the clues kept unraveling the faux fabric of reality, I struggled to comprehend.
There was a conversation when we were newlyweds, in which I asked him “What are your dreams and goals?”
(Yes, those are questions that should be asked before you ever marry someone, but I was young, naive, and had been intensely persuaded by him that he loved me and everything in life would be even better if we were married. And I was on the rebound when we met.)
His response to my question was “I don’t know.”
Naturally, I thought he was either just tired, perhaps reluctant to reveal his dream, or didn’t understand what I meant by my question.
The young passionate me rephrased the question, “Is there something you really want to do, something you really want out of life?”
He said in a completely calm and blase tone “Not really.”
A strange dark shiver ran across my skin when I heard his reply. Like a frightening foreboding shiver.
I did what any young, naive, codependent woman would do. I decided his passion was there, it just needed time and love to be revealed.