I’m seldom completely sure of what he really thinks or feels. I’ve learned that his words don’t always match his behavior. Words from him mean next to nothing to me anymore. I basically have to discern by his behavior, and even that can at times seem to flip around. In fact, he can appear to have a committed value or belief, then behave in a way that utterly confounds it.
He can say he thinks/feels A,B,C repeatedly, and seem to even feel what he says by giving me other behavioral clues, then –wham– out comes a comment or behavior one day that is entirely contradictory. It makes my head feel like it will spin around in crazy circles while I try to comprehend whether I just heard that, or just saw that. Did he just say that?? Sometimes he reveals an unkind or cold attitude towards someone or something, and then I’m instantly repulsed by it. He’ll seem to sense that, and start to shift.
If I ask “What did you say?”.he’ll almost instantly muddy reality by saying the opposite, or saying he didn’t mean it, or more likely that I misunderstood and he really meant A,B,C. If I then ask “Why did you say X,Y,Z then?“, I’ll hear things like “I’m not good with words like you are.” (said with some disdain)
or “That’s not what I meant!” (said with slight scorn as though I’m an annoying thing in the room)
Every once in awhile, immediately after, sometimes he’ll calmly repeat or validate that I did just hear that or see that, and with a clinically resentful tone, justify whatever it is. Usually that only happens if he’s potentially explosive.
I’ve come to wonder if there’s a script he reads from. A script he’s chosen unconsciously, and it tells him how he should think, feel, behave etc. I swear that sometimes I can almost see him flipping pages searching for the right words or behavior. It’s like he pauses in conversation or interaction, and instead of it just flowing honestly from his heart, he gets this look. The same look when I’ve asked him a question and he gives the indirect, vague response that can’t be pinned down. He gets that look, and it’s as though he’s flipping pages to find where it tells him how a nice, good guy would respond to this particular thing, as though he’s searching for the right answer or behavior in response. I hope I’m wrong. But it seems like every now and then, the script drops, and what he really thinks and feels comes out.