Does he see (part two)

Seeking help?  Has he sought help on his own? 

Not so far.

Each and every time we’ve gone to counseling, it was when I gave an ultimatum.  That makes it sound simple, but it never was. It tears, pleading, threats, cajoling, and desperation.

As far as seeking help, it’s been when things were so bad that I insisted and was ready to throw in the towel.  Now I’ve realized that the subject of marriage counseling should be another blog subject soon. 

Has he seen how hurtful and wrong his passive aggressive abusive behaviors are?  He’s definitely seen The Impact: https://mylifeinpajamas.wordpress.com/the-impact/

Has he changed or reformed? I think he sees when the barely limping almost entirely broken machine of either me or our relationship is about to clonk out kaput, and sees that he needs to try a different behavior. As long as it works for him, why change? 

This is why I realized that I needed to change.

He’s reformed his behaviors in areas where I’ve drawn a line and held it.  Those lines are something I have to continually expend energy to hold.  If I relax vigilance, if I do anything but draw a hard, clear, non-negotiable line, I’m going to once again fall under the steamroller of a passive aggressive. 

Reforming behaviors is not the same thing as changing beliefs or a heart change.  It’s really a power shift.  Once I decided that preserving the relationship was not of greater worth than my being able to love and respect myself, the tide turned so to speak. I’m not bereft or crying and practically begging him to ‘see’ as in years past. It’s not about him ‘seeing’ anymore.

It’s about what he does or doesn’t do.

The disordered thinking is still there,  and when the entitlement and resentment is active, it often means he’ll control his behaviors, but instead find a different tactic to get what he wants. 

Then I have to weigh whether it does or doesn’t work for me.  I have to choose my battles, because I only have so much energy. 

It’s not ideal and it can be lonely. 

What am I saying?  It is lonely.

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3 Responses to Does he see (part two)

  1. mel220 says:

    “Once I decided that preserving the relationship was not of greater worth than my being able to love and respect myself, the tide turned so to speak. ”
    This is where I was at in my relationship before I moved out. And I think he either finally had found a replacement or he decided he wanted to be the one who dumped me. Either way, my frame of mind at the time is probably why I haven’t shed too many years over getting divorced from him.

    Like

  2. chosetobehappy says:

    You could be writing about my own life. I used to “beg and plead” for him to love me and to change the way he treated me. When I look back, I still don’t know what possessed me to act that way but it’s what he wanted, he had the power. He still does since I’m still there although he’s changed / modified his behaviour just enough to keep me wondering whether or not I should stay or go. Keeping me in ambivalence. Once in a while, I see a glimpse of the real pah that I married and it’s scary because I know that under the smokescreen and the niceness, the monster is still there. Which keeps me guessing what type of day we are going to have and like you, I pick my battles but I am more frustrated than ever. He’s gone to therapy by himself but only when he realized that I was leaving or gone. Then all of a sudden, he couldn’t do enough to prove to me that he was going to change. I cannot trust this “new” man, especially since I see the real pah once in a while. Therapy was confusing to say the least, he’d say what the therapist wanted to hear, he even managed to convince me that he “really” loved me. Perhaps that’s true, but I can’t trust. I’m looking forward to reading about therapy in your future blogs. I plan on having a great day ladies – I chose to be Happy 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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