The worst thing: part two

I want to do the right thing for its own sake.

This is my conscience.  Sometimes, a neurotic and over-active conscience, but it just means I care about what’s true and what isn’t.  I care about good and evil, right and wrong.  I believe in Love.  By Love, I  mean the I Corinthians 13 kind of love, the greater love has no man than to lay down his life for his friend love, and the Love that endured the cross for the sake of my redemption and restoring relationship.

Of course, when I’ve tripped, when I’ve made mistakes or sinned, it’s been with an almost breathtaking degree of catastrophic stupidity.

I freely admit that many times throughout the years I threatened divorce. I didn’t actually believe I should divorce him, or even see it as a choice, but in desperation I threatened it.  There were times I wished for divorce, or sometimes even death.  Yes, yes, I did.  A few times I caught myself wishing he would die or get abducted by aliens, but mostly there were those times that I’d think that my death might solve so many things.  I never planned on taking my life, it wasn’t that kind of wishing.  It was more along the lines of the will to live just slowly seeping out of me.

When I wasn’t at that low point, I was busy.  Busy planning holidays, changing diapers, getting groceries, cooking meals, bandaging a scraped knee, vacuuming, dusting, cooking, dishes, moving to new houses, photo shoots to comp out tuition for my kids, Little League, Awana, Girl Scouts, multiple plays, giving birth and then the blissful hours to nurse and rock babies, teaching my daughter to breed canaries, brushing the dog, feeding the cat, bathing a toddler, always trying to ‘get back in shape’ exercising and walking, chauffeuring kids all over, or maybe sneaking off for a two hour soak in the tub with a book, learning to tend to sick baby chicks, deliver a calf, or milk a goat..  Somehow, that busy stuff just filled up years and years.  And I always thought I had more time.  Blindly, I didn’t see it running out.

One Day came, and now most of the kids are young adults.  (The youngest is only twelve.)

How it aches to watch one in a struggling painful marriage, others struggling to find stability, peace, and identity in their young adult lives, and the killer grief and pain of relational distance they put between us.  Blame and judgment for my not having figured it out sooner, for the dysfunctional marriage they endured growing up, and almost disdain that I’m still struggling and dysfunctional.

But now the worst thing is grabbing my throat, making my soul want to vomit in pain.

It’s when you realize that trying to do the right thing may have contributed largely as a stumbling block to their faith. You watch one by one as they put distance between themselves and God.  It’s the horrible pain I want to shove at arm’s length, and the reality that sends wordless prayers for mercy like a stream from the core of my heart to God.

And you cry.  No, you weep.  Silently.  Alone.  On your face.  Asking God to please show you the right thing to do now. 

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3 Responses to The worst thing: part two

  1. lonelywife07 says:

    Lots of emotion here….I’m sorry. I truly am sorry that you’re experiencing this. I often wonder if I’m damaging my kids by staying…the youngest is 14. My oldest is 27, married 4 yrs and seems to be happy…my DIL tells me he a wonderful husband…for many years my oldest son was the object of my H’s PA behavior….and I defended him like a mama grizzly!
    I never understood WHY my H would treat him that way…he was a good kid, NEVER gave us any trouble!
    And what’s sad, my H STILL acts very much like a jerk to my oldest son, not always, but sometimes….makes me so mad! And then he tries to pull me in…but I’m older and wiser now!
    Hang in there…one day your kids will see you tried your best! And keep praying for them!! Never give up on God!!

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    • WritesinPJ's says:

      lonelywife, thank you for sharing.
      I’ve learned that when I let go of God for any reason, whether I’m exhausted, angry, defiant, prideful, or just stupid, He still holds on to me. Thankful for that!

      Staring into the truthful moments of reality can just be so painful. It’s when I feel I’d rather have never been born than to be even the smallest part of something that would bring harm to one of my kids.

      I’ve noticed that my husband has seemed to target (hold criticisms or resentments) a couple of our sons more than others over the years. I would say they are the most forgiving and least judgmental of our sons. They see him (us) fairly clearly, and love and non-judgment for him (us) is something they obviously choose. I’ve tried to tell him that it’s an amazing gift they extend to both their parents.

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  2. chosetobehappy says:

    That was difficult to read because I understand so much and I feel so much reading it. The thing is, that you did you’re best and the kids will know that. In the end, they will make their own lives and paths and hopefully, God will find it’s way into their hearts. So long as you know that you did all that you could, and that you gave taught them right from wrong, then God is there even though they have moved away from him. The teachings that you gave them will stay. And that’s more than a lot of people have.

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