The wrong kind of sausage

This post is about lying.  I want to preface this by saying that I can’t say that I’ve never lied in my life.  This means that I don’t want to judge anyone else for telling a lie. The plain truth is that while sometimes I’ve told a little lie to avoid hurting someone’s feelings, I’ve also told a few to avoid dealing with someone or something.  Maybe I just didn’t want to go to an event, so I told a half truth and half lie to get out of it.  Inside, it rests uneasily and I’ll take an inordinate amount of energy pondering how I can next navigate a similar situation truthfully.  It bothers me, and doesn’t rest easily within. 

Saying all that, my husband has lied to me a lot.

On Thursday morning, he told me a stupid lie.  We were starting the usual morning meeting, and I asked him if he’d remembered to send a specific paper trail email to a client, something I’d asked him to follow up on from the day before..  He said he had, but darn it, my lie radar started beeping. 

I said, “So if I open the sent mail from yesterday afternoon, it should be there, right?” 

And he said, “Yes, it should be.”

Lie radar… beeping more loudly.  I decided to open the business email and look.  More accurately, I almost felt compelled to do it, because I wanted to end the confused, disoriented feeling one way or another. 

He actually said a couple more times that it should be there, and then finally he said he ‘thought’ he’d sent it.  Of course it wasn’t there because he never sent it, and instead of just saying, ‘not yet’ or ‘I forgot but I will’, he lied about it and then just sat there pretending while I looked. 

How do I know he lied?  Because after searching and sifting unsuccessfully through a pile of emails,  I pulled my chair back, and looked at him, and said, “You’re lying.  You knew as soon as I asked you that you hadn’t sent it.  Why didn’t you just say so?”

And there was an infinitesimal flicker of something in his eyes.  It’s as though he’s weighing whether or not he’s really caught in the lie, and whether or not he can get away with it.  With a passive aggressive, you have to learn to read the most subtle of nuances and barely perceptible body language.   I guess it’s good that if he lies, it can still be seen (even if barely), in the window of his soul. 

He saw that I’d seen that flicker.  He knew that I KNEW and so he admitted that he’d lied.

He’s told many lies to me over the years.  He’s lied about big stuff, small stuff, and medium stuff.  But he also tells lies that just don’t make any sense.  The kind of lies where I scratch my head and wonder why in the world he lied.

He’s lied about big stuff like not telling me about a job offer he got that would have benefited me at the time, all because he wanted to take another one anyway.  He’s lied about why he bought the wrong kind of sausage. 

A crazy story: Several years ago, I was making a special meal for one of our sons, and asked him to get a certain brand/flavor of sausage.  He came home from the store, and while I was busy doing something he said, “Would you like me to get the sausage started on a skillet?”

I thought… how sweet, how thoughtful… and said, “Sure!”

It turned out that he just didn’t want me to see the packaging and know what kind he bought!  When our son snitched a bite as I was cooking, he told me that the sausage tasted funny.  I said, “Oh, oh, I hope it was okay!  Maybe we accidentally got something past date, or a bad batch.” 

I taste the sausage and said, “Ooh… that does taste funny!”

My husband said, “Oh, um… they were out of the kind you asked for, so I had to get X brand/flavor.” 

Lie Radar… beep beep beep.

I stood there feeling very confused and disoriented.  I said, “If I call the store right now, will they tell me that they’re out of what I asked for?”

Now I felt an invisible projectile of anger from him.  I could only feel it, not hear it or see it yet.

He said, “I just wanted to try this kind!  Is there a problem with that?”

No.  No, of course not.  What kind of bitchy and controlling wife would mind that?  Except… he doesn’t eat sausage.  He doesn’t like sausage.  (He ate a few bites of it to prove his point later, but then went back to his non-sausage-eating ways.)  (And for whatever reasons, he actually admitted later that he’d lied about it, and didn’t know why he didn’t buy what I asked.)

The plain bizarre truth of it is that he felt compelled to get something other than what I asked for, and then lied about it. 

I often thought to myself that if I left him one day, and later on someone would ask me why, I’d just reply, “He bought the wrong kind of sausage.”

 

 

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10 Responses to The wrong kind of sausage

  1. Exodus says:

    OH MY GOSH, OH MY GOSH!!!!!! PJ’s, as I read the dialogue I literally felt myself becoming exhausted just thinking about having to question and second guess ever darn thing my husband tells me. Yes, they are liars but they don’t see it that way. They don’t hold the ‘ whole truth, nothing but the truth’ as sacred because they don’ believe that half-truths are lies. Obviously, they lack reasoning skills as well since anything less than the whole truth IS indeed a lie.

    What you wrote about happens to me every day with my husband whether it’s work or personal stuff. Yesterday my husband went to the store to get 3 things and I asked him to please not buy anything else..” Please!!I mean it!! Do you understand me?” I even explained that I was going to the store today so please just get only those 4 things. Well, he came home with about 8 things that we already had and I was very upset..especially since it was food that I couldn’t freeze. His response was, ” You didn’t mention these items so I thought they would be good to get”. HUH??? I said, ANYTHING..Don’t get anything else other than what is on the list!!! What part of that did he not understand?
    Sending my husband to the store is just plain stupid because I know it’s a grande opportunity for him to flex his PA muscle and torture me with wasted money, wasted fuel (having to take things back), wasted time and of course he always tells me that if I want it done right to go to the store myself. I mostly do that anyway but is there some reason why I shouldn’t be able to depend on him to pick up 3 easy staple foods- milk, rye bread and bananas- from the grocery every now and then?

    Another typical PA deficiency is that they don’t distinguish between tenses like past, present, future:
    Did you do such and such? His response: Yes…….( 10 seconds lapses) I WILL

    I didn’t ask you if you will, I asked you if you did. He responds with ” Yes, I heard you!!!…I was planning to do that!!! Do you hear me?!!!!

    Why is it so difficult and exhausting trying to get a straight answer out of you? ( Blank Stare, flips the denial switch and changes the subject.)

    This really concerns me that I can’t trust you to be honest with me. I need to know that I can count on you since you’re my husband and business partner. We need to be able to communicate honestly and effectively or why stay together? ( Blank stare..denial switch still activated and then he blows and says…FINE!! I’ll do better)

    Better? …When? How? He never acknowledges that he does anything wrong so how can improve anything that he doesn’t acknowledge?

    He wanted to get his hair cut the other day and I told that I would pick up some cash for him when I went to the bank because I didn’t want to use our debit card. He told me ..just forget it…don’t worry about it. Sure? Yep, I’ll get a cut next week..I really don’t have time this week anyway. Last night I asked him for the grocery receipt so I could make note in the register since he used the debit card for that. All of a sudden he says oh and I got a haircut. HUh???? I thought you told me that you were getting one next week? So, he says to me: ‘ I thought you told me to use the debit card”. Huh???? If I wanted you to use the card, why would I have offered to get you cash?

    I could have pounced on him and smashed him into the wood floor like a teeny ant. The violent thoughts that course through my mind would make even Stephen King cringe..well, maybe not -now that I think about the movie ‘ Misery’

    Like

  2. Bronze says:

    The lying! I couldn’t really ask my ex to do anything if I wanted it to be done. No going down the shops for me, no paying the bills etc. In the end it was just too hard to navigate his inability to be normal. Questioning his blatant lies would bring an overtly, angry, abusive episode onto me and it was always my fault he lied because of my ‘reaction’, when in fact it was HIS reaction to my questioning him that was explosive and over the top. The confusion and the way they twist things in their heads is so bizarre I honestly believed my ex must be brain damaged until I read so many similar stories and realised they all couldn’t have been knocked severely on the head and not know it, could they? I’m still not convinced he isn’t brain damaged just because of the sheer craziness of his behaviour. I remember at the very end of our marriage him saying resentfully to me “you don’t need me’ – I answered ‘no I don’t’ – I should have added – I wasn’t allowed to need you – every request was met with either anger or ineptness, you sabotaged everything I ever wanted and your anger over being asked to do anything meant I had to do it myself. He put me in the position of not needing him and then he resented me for it. It’s amazing how little anger I feel in my life now when inside that marriage I was almost eaten alive by it. Unfortunately, my youngest is exhibiting PA behaviour but I hopefully got her out of the situation early enough for me to help her cultivate better responses to lifes trials.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. mel220 says:

    If I could like this post 1,000 times, I would! I’m not exaggerating. In fact, I sat here laughing out loud as I read the entire post.
    I wish we could sit down one day over a cup of coffee and talk. I think we have ALOT in common. Thank you so much for a good laugh tonight! I needed it.

    Like

  4. needtomakeachange says:

    There is nothing worse for me than the lying or half truths…. for example, “Hon, did you put those in the dryer or did you just hang them up” – him: “hung them up”. Me: “are you sure because it looks like they went into the dryer, they are all shriveled up at the top”, him turning red cuz he’s been caught red handed: “why you questioning what I’m telling you, I said I hung them up” …. lie!! And the grocery store lies: “hon, you bought a bunch of things that weren’t on the list here and i’m going back to the grocery store tomorrow, all we needed was on that list” him: “oh, well i thought we were running out of the stuff i bought” what did he buy extra – candied type cereal; dry meat chews; his favorite cheese, snacks…. yeah the stuff I never ever ever buy because only HE eats it. Or: me:” just get this brand for this amount of money” – him: “ok”, me: “just to make sure here’s it is on paper”, him: “im not a child, I don’t need a reminder” – back from the store – what do I get: wrong brand, more expensive………… me: “oh, this is the wrong thing”, him: “yeah these were on sale”, me: “they are more expensive and the wrong kind – did you not look on the paper I gave you”, him: “no I forgot the paper”…. the next time I do laundry, what do I find, the paper in his pocket. Sigh. Lies, lies, lies.

    My favorite is when he wants to make a point about something and bring someone else in the picture to add weight to his statement. Him: “well so and so agrees with me”; me: “they do” I’m asking him confused; him: “yeah and they will back me up and not you”; me: confused again “really, well let’s ask that person”; him: “no that won’t be necessary, they are busy right now”; me: smelling a rat: ” really, well the first chance I get, I will ask them for sure”; him now trying to backtrack: “well I’m pretty sure they would back me up”…. sigh. Of course, the next chance I get I verify with the person in question, and to the look of confusion on the other person’s face, I can tell this was NEVER discussed. I will then turn around and tell him that I asked and of course he has no explanation for me. Gotcha… again.

    Like

    • WritesinPJ's says:

      Oh my, yes, the ‘most men’ and ‘other men’ and ‘so-and-so agrees’ statements. It used to crush me, and I’d feel like I was a crazy, bad person. Now, it makes me mad, and when he did it a couple days ago, I told him if that’s true, then he’s definitely better off without me, and I’d be happy to work on making that happen. That stopped that bent in the conversational road.

      Also, you reminded me of the first and only birthday party he gave me a few decades ago. A friend gave me an album and said, “I heard it was one of your favorites.”
      I smiled and thanked my friend, although it was a singer I wasn’t familiar with, but an album that my husband wanted. Yeah, I’ve had those kinds of ‘gifts’ over the years.

      Like

  5. JR says:

    I realize this is a few months old…

    OMG!!! My PAM does this to me all the time!

    The lies. Constant lies. Little lies, big lies, silly lies, stupid lies. Lies! We often have the following dialogue:
    PAM: blah lie.
    Me: huh?
    PAM: Sneers. Are you calling me a liar?!
    Me: no. I didn’t say that.
    PAM: screams. I’m not a liar!!
    Me: I didn’t say that!
    PAM: DON’T CALL ME A LIAR!
    Me earlier: but I didn’t… Tears start. Then he’d tell me I was lying… And I would be confused, hurt & angry…
    Me now: then quit lying, it’s really that simple. And I walk away.

    Who are these “people” that always agree with them?! I’m always being told things like, “I’m not the only one that knows you’re (insert horrible untrue character assassination). Or, “Oh, people have told me how you really are.” And, “I was warned about you.” Who are these people?! He’s never told me…

    All the things these “people” say about me are untrue… And usually VERY true about PAM. As a matter of fact, when these “people” accuse me of something nasty out of the blue… PAM has likely recently done it.

    Like

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