A rose by any other name?

A reader, Exodus, asked a question here, and I’m creating a post for better feedback:

“Yesterday I was reading, once again, the description of PA abuse and how PA people tend to objectify others.

Have any of you ever noticed how your husband addresses you or refers to you in emails to others or in conversations? Not long ago I was reading an email from my husband to one of his friends and he referred to me as ‘ the wife’. He never refers to me by name or ‘ my wife’..just, ‘ the wife’. I thought at first that maybe this was just his usual unsophisticated etiquette but then it dawned on me that my mother always refers to my brother and I by the town we live in , not by our names. She would ask me ‘ have you heard from Richmond, did you call Richmond’. I once read that sociopaths and narcissists often display this same behavior because it helps them to dehumanize others.”

My husband has rarely used my name as long as I’ve known him.  He calls me Honey, and only uses the childhood variation of my first name when he’s angry, and then it’s always in a very condescending manner.  

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8 Responses to A rose by any other name?

  1. My skin crawls now when my husband calls me by name, because he only does so when he’s pissed at me or talking to me in a condescending manner. Ugh, just thinking about it makes me feel bad.


    • melissa220 says:

      Rosered-That was what happened with me too. I finally asked him to stop saying my name, because I was sick of only hearing it said in exasperation. He also never have me a pet name and discouraged me using any on him.


  2. Exodus says:

    Thanks PJ’s for creating the new post.

    Sometimes my husband calls me honey but when he does I know that I’m about to discover his secret agenda after a necessary and grueling interrogation. I’m also familiar with the condescending PA name calling. I changed my name about 20 years ago and he only uses my first name to remind me of my subordinate position in his food chain. It’s such a juvenile defense tactic but then again, most everything PA is rather juvenile if not evil.

    Just this second, the funniest song popped into my head ( how I remember such things is frightening.. probably a symptom of cognitive decline). .I was singing ” Mrs. secret agent man..lala la la la.”..” and so I searched for the video of the original song, watched it and laughed for the first time in weeks…Secret Agent Man https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mo3Wqf86N4w

    I think I’m going to change my name to Mrs. Secret Agent Man (or Mrs. S.A.M) .


  3. melissa220 says:

    Another home run post! Loved it, and boy, it brought back so many memories. I don’t miss hearing my name said like that.


  4. WritesinPJ's says:

    I thought I’d written about this before, but I was so tired that I couldn’t remember! This post is related: https://mylifeinpajamas.wordpress.com/2014/03/22/terms-of-endearment/


  5. needtomakeachange says:

    Such a small sign of disrespect can leave us feeling like we are the “worse” … mine just like roseredhomealone, will call me by my name and put emphasis on it in a phrase to ensure the sting is a bit more and that I have heard the tone used with it. Of course, my skin crawls too because it means that he is more than pissed (even if I’ve done nothing wrong and as most of you know we try our best to NEVER do anything wrong)… He’s done that to the kids too to make sure they know he is pissed, and he will tell me “YOUR KID” during conversation so that I know he’s pissed at that particular kid… 20 plus years later, it stills hurts even though I now know why he does this.

    I have always called him by his name but he seemed to not relate to it so at some point I started to call him by a pet name, he liked it more. I’m not sure if for him, his actual name meant something hurtful from his past but if I happen to say his name, he almost flies into a rage and then will RETURN the favor by saying my name instead of using his pet name for me. Both childish and evil, yes since he knows that it hurts me, it’s evil.


  6. Bronze says:

    My ex called me ‘girl’ as a term of endearment. Although I once said to him, I thought ‘selfish bitch’ must be a term of endearment he used it so much in reference to me, lol. He also called our son ‘boy’, which he hated. I don’t know if he calls our girls ‘girl’ now.


  7. JR says:

    Guess I should’ve read more before I posed this question to you…

    You have explained my feelings perfectly! I have a really hard time expressing my thoughts and feelings anymore. I am so grateful to have found these blogs.


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