Stupid to say it

When will I learn?  This morning I said, “I really don’t feel well.  My head is pounding, and my stomach feels off.”

He replied, “I’m sorry to hear that!”

I said, “Thanks, but I just wanted to ask you to please be nice while I’m not feeling well.”

Not too long after that, I blogged while he returned calls, and then we had a delayed business meeting.  We still haven’t resolved who will pay for the site visit (prior blog), but other projects took up the time.  At the end, I brought up meal planning in light of the impending Mother’s Day on Sunday.  When we were ‘this’ close to finishing everything, he interrupted while I was in mid-sentence to tell me that he couldn’t absorb much more, and needed to take a break from any communication.  I told him that we were almost finished anyway, but that he didn’t need to interrupt to tell me that. 

Oh sheesh.  Next thing I was hearing about his right to express his feelings, telling me I was invalidating him, and it escalated from there.  I reacted without thinking, we were both raising our voices at this point, and I said, “This is how you express caring when I told you that I’m not feeling well?”

And that just elicited another accusation launched turd missile style my way, and a short list of him sticking a chicken in the oven to roast earlier, his cleaning up the floor (when he insisted on giving the dog raw meat in the house instead of giving it to her outside when I told him it would make a mess in the house), and not waking me up when his alarm went off etc.  Apparently alllllll for me.  That’s why he keeps track, ready to remind me of allll he does for me.

And then I thought, What am I doing?  This is so simple and predictable.  I had told him I felt sick.  That’s  like waving a red flag in front of a bull.  And I asked for a really simple to prepare meal on Mother’s Day (no gifts), and for some help cleaning the house tomorrow.  In other words, the thing passive aggressives are violently allergic to:  expectations that require commitment. 

Once I realized what I was doing, I snapped back to reality, told him to stop it, and to disregard everything EXCEPT what he needed to do to take care of his part for business. 

Which of course elicited another scornful response because I no longer wanted to celebrate Mother’s Day.

Which I ignored.

And now I’m back to almost calm.  Almost.  Getting there.

He may or may not help with cleaning or making a meal for Mother’s Day.  He may or may not be decent while I’m feeling nauseated and my head is pounding. 

The important thing is that I’m rearranging my thoughts and emotions to not expect anything decent from him.  If he behaves decently, great.  If not, I won’t be expecting it, and most importantly, I won’t be needing or depending on it.

Now, if he screws with me regarding business and money, I’ll be like a banshee from Hades at his head.  The reason I’m ‘in business’ with him is to get out of business with him. 

I just wish I didn’t feel so tired and alone right now.

 

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7 Responses to Stupid to say it

  1. Bronze says:

    Cleaning out the shed the other day – I found and old work diary of my ex’s, There were two weekends where he wrote EVERYTHING down that I did and what he did. His list was very long. Eg. cleaned up after BBQ, however, the person who set the BBQ up was not mentioned (me). I also went to a friends house that weekend and he mowed the lawns ( In 20 years marriage he mowed maybe 4 times in total – even my neighbours can attest to that). The resentment coming off those pages for the rare jobs he did those 2 rare weekends while ignoring everything I did, was palpable. You are correct – they are logging everything to throw back in your face. Whether they do it physically or mentally – they are keeping a ledger to use against you.
    That same weekend was thrown in my face at least 5 times in person and also in a letter as “not many husbands would do that’ and “I drove you to your friends house’ and “I watched the kids for you’ etc. – I just didn’t know he was actually writing it down, so he could remember it better. His resentment of me, obviously knew no bounds. He was also blind to the contributions I made including working 2 jobs while pregnant so he could sit on his arse and be an ‘artist’ at the start of our marriage. That level of support for my dreams was never forthcoming and the final rupture of our marriage was in a large part due to me being a ‘selfish bitch’ for deciding to go to university after supporting him in his career and me working crappy jobs for years so we could live our lives around his job. The minute I wanted to do better for myself when the kids were easier to look after – he started logging his weekend chores, lol.
    I saw a woman walking with a young boy the other day – and to everything she said he loudly yelled ‘NO”. She was saying “I love you’ – him: NO!! I love you a lot – NO!! etc. My first thought was of my husband and not my kids, lol… They are overgrown babies.

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  2. Fern says:

    I have resorted to using reverse psychology in my dealings with my PA at all times. A direct request is the most surest way to make absolutely certain the desired effect is either *NOT* done, or in fact the exact opposite is done. Fun times (not)….

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  3. marsocmom says:

    I learned to lower my expectations, and it helped decrease my disappointment and frustration. And I never ask him to do anything, just so I don’t have to sit back and wait for him to do it. It’s the only way. They cannot be depended on at all — way too unpredictable. Hope you are feeling better soon!

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    • WritesinPJ's says:

      Isn’t it sad to have learned that asking for basic needs is futile? I know, however, that right now he feels quite victimized, and reminded me last night that, “We see things differently.”
      No kidding.

      Liked by 1 person

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