I woke up early this morning, and I wanted to have coffee here with all of you. Last night, before falling asleep, I read this verse:
“Light arises in the darkness for the upright; He is gracious and compassionate and righteous.” Psalm 112:4
Jamieson-Fausset-Brown (commentary) reference the word light in this verse as being figurative for relief, and that’s definitely how it read to my heart last night.
Before I was fully awake, before I’d even gotten out of bed, these phrases came to my barely conscious mind: Expectations are premeditated resentments. To do the same thing over and over, yet expect different results, is insanity.
Those are things I learned when I went through a co-dep twelve step recovery group. I laid in bed thinking about what I knew and needed to remember again.
So when I awoke early, I decided to focus on owning my choices, and on owning my day in a healthy way. My oldest son offered to drive and escort me to hear his brother perform this afternoon. It’s an hour away, so I’m thankful to relax and not have to drive, and for his good company. I just made myself my usual eggs and coffee, and I’m thinking of you all. I know I’m not the only one struggling.
Yes, he seems to be in his full ever-shifting, passive aggressive glory, but I’m going to try hard to be healthy today. I confess that I often have to really think out what a healthy person would think, do, or say.
For instance, if I was not with him on the next Mother’s day to roll around (by the way, I’ve purposely made the d in day a small d every time I reference this holiday. I guess I want to diminish its importance to me), should I plan ahead to do things, or wait to see if my kids approach me? If I plan ahead, how far should I plan ahead? In other words, how much time do you give kids without waiting around with expectations that could turn into resentments? See? A simple thing like that seems ridiculously unclear to me.
I plan to walk out and visit the newly planted flowers that I bought for my gift, and ended up having to help plant. But I’m smiling right now, because I like the idea that I tucked them into their new beds to help them rise and shine and meet the sunshine.
Lol and kind of eww… I can hear him behind me at the kitchen sink (I already did dishes this morning). I’m not sure what he’s doing, and I don’t want to turn around and look, but I hear that woe-is-me sighing. It feels unnerving and puts my stomach in a clench. I can see that my healthy day is going to be a challenge, so you know I’ll be reporting back later!