Not sure what’s up with my recent insomnia. Nothing is new that I’m consciously aware of. The same old, same old. Living the functional dysfunction when your spouse is like more like a platonic roommate, but it doesn’t tear me up like it did in my younger years. Those were the long sleepless nights of aching, tossing and turning, and so many tears. It’s a dull, buried pain now.
Most of my adult life was battling serious insomnia. There were two long time periods of sleeping pills. That is definitely a story to write about later. I respect sleep now, and I usually work hard to keep insomnia at bay, and sleep as a priority. I never want the hell of serious ongoing insomnia back.
I woke up around 2:21 a.m. and did some kitchen cleanup. Sat and drank warm water and flipped cards in online solitaire. Hope I didn’t jinx myself posting about that yesterday! Tried to lay back down, but around 5:15, gave up the ghost of that good intention.
We were doing some yard and garden work yesterday. At one point, I was starting to mow around a swingset, and he angrily grabbed the mower abruptly and roughly, yelling, “No!”
I didn’t realize that in getting to the edge of that spot, it blew some grass on the little patio area that he’d blown off earlier. It jarred and triggered me when he did that because of incidents in the past. I was upset, stopped mowing, threw up my hands and went in. He followed me in the house, said he was sorry, and asked what he could do to help me. I snapped back, “Change! Stop acting like a beast sometimes!”
I’m trying to think if that was why I couldn’t sleep.
A bit later, I actually wrote a short note, asking him to wind up so we could have some time to relax, enjoy our night together, and get a fresh start at what was left to do tomorrow. I even signed it xxoo and Love, and let me say that it’s rare that I write him notes at all, and I tried to make this one sweet and conciliatory.
He did come in. Everything seemed okay? Earlier in the day, he’d mentioned a few times about wanting to sit down together and watch a movie. Except after we ate dinner, he disappeared back to his office. One of the girls went back to see if he was going to come out and watch a movie. He came out and said that he needed time to himself. Okay.
My mind started rounding up the usual suspects. I got upset with him because he got rough and yelled, and I yelled back. (my first crime?) I came in without him, and took a shower first. (second crime?) (I… hmm… I did something… who knows what… third, fourth, fifth crime yet to be known, but sure I’ll hear about it next time we argue)
The girls and I decided to watch an episode of Call the Midwife instead of a longer movie, and one of them went back to see if he wanted to watch with us.
He and I have been watching every episode with our two daughters so far. Always the four of us. Our daughter came out to say he wasn’t going to watch it. By this time, I was at the wut-evah point of fuggedaboutit. He followed her out and said something like, “Oh, Mom is going to watch too? I didn’t know that Mom was going to watch. Sure, I’ll watch!”
Fifteen year old daughter on my left whispered, “What does that mean? Like you haven’t watched every episode so far…”
Twelve year old comes up on my right and whispers in my ear, “Just take what you can get.”
So we watched. Love that show. He was acting cuddly and attentive. At first I stiffened warily, but decided to take what I could get.
As soon as we walked back to the bedroom to go to sleep, I knew a shift was happening. I was in bed first, reading my Bible, and he went to put away some dinner that we’d forgotten to stick in the fridge. (oops… that was probably something he resented) He came to bed, but the sweet cuddly stuff was gone. He leaned over and kissed me, but it was laced with resentment. How do I explain this? I knew it was going through the motions. We both laid there in the dark. At some point, I rolled away into my sleep position and tried to have a good attitude and frame of mind. I was quietly praying. I told him goodnight. He said goodnight, and soon I heard what sounded like sleep breathing. Alone with someone.
I laid awake quite awhile, finally fell asleep, but at 2:21, was wide awake again. And so it went.
No matter what, I so want to still have a good day today. I wonder if I’ll manage a nap. Naps and I have never done well together. At least the kitchen is clean.