Let’s talk about you

Just once… I’d love to express something and have a response that reflected caring and interest in what I just said. 

This morning when I was bending with stiff muscles from the garden, I said, “Ohh… I’m so sore!”

He said, “I really need to work on my flexibility.”

I almost said, “Oh, silly me.  Did I say something about myself?  Let’s talk about you.”

I suppose this might still be a notch up from the other typical response which is invalidation. 

For example, I might say, “I’m cold.  I think a fire sounds nice.”

To that he’s replied, “It’s not cold in here.”  (translation:  He isn’t cold.)

He also has this lackluster response that almost conveys sympathy (for my bad taste? stupidity?) tinged with impatience at almost any idea I might express, or if I’m expressing interest in any particular thing when we’re out shopping.  Interestingly, he tells me the reason he never gives me gifts is because he doesn’t know what I’d like.

This is actually uncomfortable to write about, and I’m reminding myself that I wanted this blog to be honest.  I guess I’m honestly feeling grouchy.

Usually, the main thing is his just shifting whatever I said to being about him.  If I said that my head hurt, he’ll instantly start either talking about his head or some other physical ailment of his.  If I say that I’m feeling depressed, he’ll immediately respond with comments about what’s bothering him. 

It feels sometimes as though I’m constantly and subtly being erased. 

The only time I really notice a change from this status quo is when I’m in the process of withdrawing from him.  I don’t mean outwardly, but inwardly.  This he’s always seemed to sense with an uncanny kind of radar, and if I’m staring off into a path without him, he’ll behave in the kindest, sweetest, and most attentive ways while making me laugh. 

All I can seem to do is tread water, not gain direction.

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5 Responses to Let’s talk about you

  1. Exodus says:

    Hi PJ’s…I’m back, trying to catch up on your entries and I’ll write about my adventure another time since I only have a few minutes.

    The world according to husband.

    We are not allowed to have our own ache and pain, our own joy or sadness, our own disease or good health without them comparing us to them. My mother was the same way and it’s no surprise that she wanted me to marry my husband.

    My husband has severe oppositional disorder and will defy all facts, logic and reasoning in order to oppose me. I am no longer able to work with him as a partner when we meet with clients for this reason since he will create an argument OR I must submit and agree with his insane ideas/suggestions and even crazier is that a very naive customer will comply with his insane suggestions even though they don’t meet code and defy the laws of physics. My husband will do something wrong, unsafe or wasteful, just to exert his power over me. Sometimes he even drives down the wrong side of a narrow 2-lane country road just to scare me. I never ride with him as a passenger anymore. It just occurred to me that because I’m mostly a very logical and analytical thinker, he does and says will be illogical and unreasonable. Like your husband, the only time he appears reasonable and willing to listen is when he knows that he’s been a ‘ bad boy’ and hurt me. He’ll patronize me by being agreeable but of course it’s only a matter of time before he reverts back to his opposition. Despite what the thermostat, the weatherman and what the ambient temp feels like, he will oppose me if I agree with any of those factual sources. He also negates himself all the time. When he wants something or likes something and I follow-up with a purchase it or cook it, he says it’s ‘ ok’ but that he doesn’t really care for it. He once wanted some chocolate cake but once I agreed that was a great idea, he came home with a lemon pie instead and then proceeded to tell me that I told him I wanted a lemon pie.

    Back in 2000, I saw a snow globe that I just fell in love with. It was gorgeous and I was in love with the globe. I told my husband that I would love it for Christmas. He kept ignorning me and picked up a figurine and kept asking me to look at it. I told him that it was nice ( only to be polite) but that I really loved the snow globe. I collect unique snow globes and he knew that. Christmas morning came and I was so excited, expecting to find the globe under the tree. He handed me the package with a huge smile and and watched me open it. It was the figurine that he liked so much. That was the first time that I realized there was something seriously wrong with him. I really tried to be polite and seem grateful but I wasn’t. He noticed my disappointment and got defensive and accused me of being selfish. I asked him why he didn’t get the snow globe and he told me that they had sold out. He also told me that he asked the clerk for the globe. I suspected he was lying and the next day went to the store and sure enough, there it was, still sitting on the shelf. I asked the clerk if it was the same globe and she told me that indeed it was and that she was surprised that it didn’t sell for Christmas. I was so hurt and so angry. My husband deliberately lied and felt completely justified and content in that lie just so he could hurt me.

    I quit trying to make sense out of his insanity a long time ago and it’s a good thing because otherwise, I would have ended up institutionalized. I mean that literally. I have called the police before to have him removed from the house when his gaslighting became too much and I was about to have a breakdown- trembling, unable to breathe and just rocking back and forth praying to G-d that he would leave me alone. It’s a very lonely life not knowing who my husband is or rather, knowing that he’s just a self-made enemy.

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  2. WritesinPJ's says:

    Exodus, welcome back! We missed you! Those senseless lies are just that… senseless. Can’t wrap my head around that stuff.

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  3. lonelywife07 says:

    Exodus….did you take back his gift and get the snow globe?? LOL! I’ve done that!!
    PA Man bought me a necklace for Christmas…a silver heart with pave diamonds, and while I appreciate the thought, I don’t wear necklaces like that, never have…also, and this is sooo weird, but my mom bought me a necklace almost identical the year before, from Avon of all places!
    So I took the necklace back, and got the money for it…and PA Man is none the wiser…I actually wore the “fake” necklace out to dinner a few weeks ago, just to see if he would notice, and he did and said, “Oh, you’re wearing the necklace I bought you.”
    So alls well that ends well! LOL!

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  4. needtomakeachange says:

    Mine wonders why I don’t tell him about me, well simply put, because it always becomes about him. I could tell him that I had a bad day, his will be worse. I could tell him that I’m tired and that I haven’t been sleeping and it will be worse for him. It’s almost a competition, so I don’t bother anymore and the conversation turns onto him anyways. I will be telling him about my day and in the middle it will switch over to his day and he hasn’t heard a darn thing about mine. That will prompt him to ask again, by that point, I don’t want to talk about it anymore.

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