Gardening the sequel and cosmos

This year, I started more cosmos from seed, but no lavender.  I didn’t have the heart to try both again.  He gave me such a hard time about the tomatoes, that I bought three from the nursery, and didn’t start any from seed. I got my sons to till up a separate small patch near the house, and I tossed several packets of a flower mix there.  This has become a weed disaster, but my daughters are helping me try to salvage it.  I’ll try to post pics and outcome on that patch later.

Meanwhile, he’s helped a lot with aspects of this year’s garden, but with some predictable negatives.  I’ve had the usual delays and procrastination from him this year, and the same arguments about waiting to plant.  There were times he was up there with a son(s) laying soaker hoses and actually planting, while I was mowing the lawn or cooking.  You have to know that was a stupid move on my part. 

After explaining companion planting and writing out charts, he still planted things side by side that don’t do well together.  After telling him that I really really really wanted to try sunflowers this year, I found out that sunflowers didn’t get planted.  Then after I got upset about that, he went up and planted them where they are unlikely to thrive (although I’m still hoping).  I saw that he didn’t transplant the cantaloupe I started from seed (this was when he was in the main garden and I was working in the strawberry patch and weeding my flower jungle).  I said, “I’m surprised you didn’t transplant the cantaloupe since you like it so much!” 

He replied, “Not really.  I’ve never been real big on cantaloupe.”

Astonishment.  (He has always bought cantaloupe over the years, and eats more of it than anyone in the house.)

I smiled and said, “What lies do I hear arising from the depths of your bowels?”

He half smiled and replied, “I don’t eat that much cantaloupe.  I don’t get much of it because by the time I get to it, the kids have usually eaten most of it.”


Then I also realized that he planted TWO long rows of celery.  Celery.  The celery I said it was probably too late to get in, but we could try just a bit in with the lettuce.  And there was what he called the Mystery Row planted.  And the cabbage I said I really wanted?  Zip nada. 

Oh.  And a long row of dill.  The dill that I told him just needed a small bit because I didn’t need much and it tends to take over a garden.  A huge long row planted.

I spent time weeding my mixed flower jungle (Free the Flowers Campaign), then I carried the cantaloupe up to get transplanted, did some weeding in the lettuce, tried not to cry and scream in frustration, and today I’m going to try to figure out how to salvage cabbage and my seed potatoes, and get one row each of bush beans and peas planted later.  He’s angry that I was upset about the sunflowers, cabbage, and cantaloupe. And ouch, I’m stiff and sore.  Gardening is not as much fun when you need to lose weight and haven’t been exercising.  But smile, smile, smile, what doesn’t kill me in the garden will make me stronger and healthier!

Lesson has been driven home.  Again.  Will I have to relearn this  like I’m stuck in some kind of Groundhog Day movie?  If anything is important to me, I just can’t trust it to matter to him.  In fact, I can expect him to sabotage whatever I express as most important to me.  I’m going to have an ongoing process of evaluating what matters most to me, and sifting it to what I can take care of myself.  For just about everything.  Time to focus on what I can take care of, let go of what I can’t, or ask for help from someone who cares.

I can’t talk to him about this.  I mean… I could talk to him where he’s looking at me and seems to be listening?  But from past experience I know it will anger him, and all he’ll think about and shoot back will be what he ‘does’ for me.  I’d hear lame excuses, rationalizations, and a barrage of accusations launched my direction. The stuff that hurts me?  That just makes him mad and/or resentful.  It would just be me pouring my energy down a drain to discuss all this, so instead I’ll take what I can get, and hope for flowers. 

Cosmos and sunflowers.


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7 Responses to Gardening the sequel and cosmos

  1. Expat says:

    OMG… ground hog day with a PA/ Narc?! What a hellish nightmare!


  2. Exodus says:

    Remember the parable of the Sower of Seed ( Matthew)? I often think of this parable because it applies to so many of our relationships and experiences in life. I’ve kept this parable in my heart through social activism and when dealing with my husband because I know that what really matters is whether I can remain rooted and true to my good character by sowing seeds of love despite anyone’s attempt ( especially my husband) to cause me to react to their ugliness and become the woman that I am not. That’s not to say that I live in denial or that I’m complacent. I’m hardly those things but, I don’t engage in the crazy-making anymore. When my husband is working in the garden, he turns into a very mean monster as soon as I come out to join him. When this happens, I come back inside. I know it’s wrong and that in some ways I’m allowing him to bully me but he’s going to bully me anyway and he’s not going to become nice to me until he’s managed to completely upset me. Only then will he calm down and be nice but by then, it’s too late. All abusers are nice after they beat up their victims.

    ………”When anyone hears the word of the kingdom, and does not understand it, then the wicked one comes and snatches away what was sown in his heart. This is he who received seed by the wayside. But he who received the seed on stony places, this is he who hears the word and immediately receives it with joy; yet he has no root in himself, but endures only for a while. For when tribulation or persecution arises because of the word, immediately he stumbles. Now he who received seed among the thorns is he who hears the word, and the cares of this world and the deceitfulness of riches choke the word, and he becomes unfruitful, But he who received seed on the good ground is he who hears the word and understands it, who indeed bears fruit and produces: some a hundredfold, some sixty, some thirty.”…The Parable of the Sower of Seed

    My husband is not the ideal fertile landscape for sowing seed. He allows evil to snatch away anything good that I sow in his heart. Sometimes, he pretends to value what I do or say and attempts to respond but because he is not sincerely rooted in anything good and positive, his appreciation for anything good is just temporary and mostly just patronizing malarkey. He’s also very egocentric and ego-bound which causes him to focus too much on ‘the cares of this world and the deceitful riches that choke the word’ and therefore he becomes unfruitful and only perpetuates famine, not any nourishing harvest..

    it’s important for me to surround myself with others who have good seeds to sow and for me to sow seeds everywhere I go but I will not sow them in vain and waste them on my husband who is by nature, opposed to anything kind and loving that emanates from me. I don’t mean that I’m a bitch all the time. I’m truly not. It’s just that I won’t allow myself to partake in his evil-bound manipulation to undermine my good nature ( good seeds) and undo all my sowing.

    The parable of the weeds:

    “The kingdom of heaven is like a man who sowed good seed in his field. But while everyone was sleeping, his enemy came and sowed weeds among the wheat, and went away. When the wheat sprouted and formed heads, then the weeds also appeared.

    “The owner’s servants came to him and said, ‘Sir, didn’t you sow good seed in your field? Where then did the weeds come from?’

    “‘An enemy did this,’ he replied.

    “The servants asked him, ‘Do you want us to go and pull them up?’

    “‘No,’ he answered, ‘because while you are pulling the weeds, you may uproot the wheat with them. Let both grow together until the harvest. At that time I will tell the harvesters: First collect the weeds and tie them in bundles to be burned; then gather the wheat and bring it into my barn.’


  3. marsocmom says:

    I wonder what would happen if we used reverse psychology on them. Tell them you wanted two rows of dill and just a little bit of cantalope. Tell him that sunflowers do best in the shade. Even if they still do it wrong and you have to redo it anyway, it could be somewhat entertaining.


    • newshoes says:

      well, I’ve tried something like that…. only for him to actually get it right!!!! it doesn’t work, if they think that you really want it, it’s as if they have a 6th sense about it and sabotage it, if you appear like you don’t care, they’ll get it right. I know it sounds weird, but it’s the truth. Try it.


  4. newshoes says:

    You know I’ve learned over the years that when you tell a pa man what you want, they will make sure to do the wrong thing in spite. That’s just the way they are, they sabotage anything they can, from simple little request, to large scale projects just because. They start off with the mentality that they will fail anyway so they do. I’ve yet to meet a pah that was positive, or if they were, it was very rare. Adhoc stuff they can do well, taking care of a sick parent, picking a child from school, putting out the garbage at the last minute before the truck comes by, etc…. But if it’s planned, their negative energy will surely ruin something. I’ve learned not to plan too far ahead, just in case.


    • Exodus says:

      Good point…my therapist told me that they have negative personalities…always in a state of negative defense. You are also correct that the reverse psychology doesn’t always work. They know us very well and know exactly who we are and what we like and what we don’t. They know when they are truly being manipulated and take cover! They WILL retaliate.
      We can never plan ahead. Oh gosh, that is just asking for trouble.
      My husband only ‘performs’ well when he knows that others are watching. He’ll take out the trash because he knows that others in the neighborhood are watching him do that. He will go to a hospital to visit a sick family member but it’s only because others will know he went. He would take our kids ( if we had any) to the bus stop because he would know that others would notice this. If I were in the hospital, he would not be kind or helpful because I don’t have any family that would be there so there’s no need for him to be in his usual public thesbian form. This is why PA abuse is so dangerous for the victims that have been isolated.


  5. Pingback: Ad hoc vs. planned for the passive aggressive | my life in pajamas

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