This place to share

I started this blog as a way of taking a baby step (maybe a big baby step) towards living life.  Facing my pajama life existence in the eye, not hiding, and defying the burdensome chains of shame, guilt, and judgment.  Surely there was a place on the battlefield for a limping, weak, pajama clad warrior! 

It was like talking to myself, speaking into an empty cyber void of silence, but letting my voice at least be seen and heard as bearing witness to my own self.  It was meant to be an experiment for catharsis and self-accountability.  I knew someone might see it.

Might.

Imagine my surprise when someone made a comment, then another person, and then another.  Interesting and amazing women, the kind of women that I’d absolutely love to meet up for coffee with, go to dinner with, get to know and become friends with, were reading this blog. 

Ah… your words.  Your stories.  Encouragement.  Laughter. Insight.  Tears.  What a gathering! 

Exodus recently made this comment: “Oh Pj’s, I’m really really tired. I’m so broken and broken down that I can barely function anymore. I wish that I could find someone who would be willing to give me a break..someone with a little cottage to rent and someone willing to hire me. Sadly, I wouldn’t even hire me PJ’s. I mean, I can’t hide my broken spirit anymore, it’s visible in my face, the way I carry myself now and I when I speak, it’s strained as if I’m too tired to talk. Yet, there is that glimmer of hope that caused me to leave two weekends in a row. I am trying to revive myself and reincarnate into something better but then, I come back home and it’s all the same shit, the same ole broken record. Thank goodness I have all of you and this place to share. ” [italics mine]

Exodus, you’re not at all broken here.  Your spirit is beautiful and strong, and your voice is clear.  Keep stashing that money and hoping.  I believe in you, and I think I can safely say that ‘we’ believe in you.

I do understand.  It’s how I feel, and why I fight and fight in my own way, but feel so blanketyblank stuck.  I’ve often longed for for a cottage where I could recover. Safety.  Peace.  Haven.  Healing.

My health and stamina are so bad at this point, that I have no idea what job I could actually ‘get’ and then ‘do’.  So I understand that too.  I think back to the young me that thought so little of doing so much, and I wish for her health and strength once again.  Even for a month.  A week… a day!  Give me back that me and in one month I might move a mountain.  Why did she not see this coming? 

I fight against despising myself.  I don’t recognize myself in the mirror.

And then I find myself wanting this miracle, someone to see past all that and help me believe that I have viable reason to hope and believe that I will get stronger, get healthier, and actually one day experience living more to my own potential.   I think I don’t quite see and believe that.  I’m faking it until I make it.  I want to believe that one day, going ‘out’ will be simple, not this anxiety ridden exercise of despair because nothing fits.   I don’t fit. 

A normal person presents simple, normal solutions like… Go to the thrift store and buy clothes.  Don’t get me wrong.  I’m not at all against thrift stores.  I used to love them.  But right now… I just want to wear my own jeans again.  Whether I go shopping at a thrift store or a mall, I just want to leave my house the way I used to.  I want me back, but today I’m sitting with my injured knee iced and propped and slugging down aloe vera juice. 

Struggling to care.  To believe.  To not be afraid and sad. 

The other night when I smashed my knee, I was weeping from physical and emotional pain.  The physical pain made me want to scream loudly, but the inner pain, the crazy spike of fear and despair made me in that moment wish that someone would just shoot me.  I really just wanted to be done with pain and fear and despair.  Let me say clearly that I would not consider suicide or that kind of self-harming.  But it doesn’t mean that I don’t understand feeling that way. 

In responding to Exodus and others, newshoes said: “We all live in a permanent state between ambivalence, confusion and hopefulness that keep us in a relationship that can never be sane or loving…. NONE OF US HAVE TO ACCEPT THIS.  I’m going to pray tonight that we all get clear minds from each other and perhaps we might be able to move towards something better… I know now that I’m not imagining all of this up, it’s real and it hurts..”

I share that sentiment and hope and prayer.  I hope we all find strength and hope here.  I hope we all move towards and arrive at something better.

I still blog for catharsis and accountability, but now I wake up thinking of you all, and coming here to meet you.  To hear how your day and weekend went.  To hear your victories and disappointments, and to listen to your hearts in this place to share.

Thank you all for being part of this.  Whether you’re an official follower, someone who’s hit a Like, left comments, or just reading silently in camaraderie… just thank you. 

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26 Responses to This place to share

  1. Exodus says:

    PJ’s…I’m sure that you’re beautiful in your PJ’s. How could you not be?

    As far as what job you could do? You’re a writer PJ’s and you could find work – even from home- writing columns for local papers, writing people’s dissertations or term papers. You have an extraordinary gift. I’ve seen ads on craig’s list for writers and editors for college students.

    I would give anything if all of us could unite some place and build our own home together. If I were a billionaire, I wouldn’t hesitate to build retreats across the country for women like us to relocate to. We need to support each other. Better yet, let’s squirrel-away some of our husband’s money and use it to build a retreat.

    Like

  2. newshoes says:

    PJs, I would hire you, no questions. The way that you write, you could write articles, novels, and really anything. It all sounds well written and interesting. And by the way, if that no good husband of yours didn’t have you, his company would tank. You are the backbone of that company, don’t you dare sell yourself short. That man wouldn’t be able to function without you holding the reigns.

    And I thank you, because of you and another blogger, I don’t feel so alone. I changed my name from: “choosetobehappy” to “newshoes” for a reason, I’ll tell you why soon when I’m brave enough to tell my tale.

    I wouldn’t be able to continue everyday if I didn’t have all of you, seriously. Every morning, you and another blogger are the first thing I check out and I will come back in the afternoon to read the comments. I don’t think I could express properly what I feel when I read you, it’s like you speak to me like no one ever has before. A lot of times, it’s like you’ve read my mind.

    Tonight, I’m going to pray for all of us and I’m going to Thank God for all of you as well.
    xx

    Like

    • Exodus says:

      I was wondering what happened to ChoosetobeHappy!! So glad that you’re here. You are right about PJ”s and also right about her business. My only friend in the world always tells me that if it were not for me our business would tank and I believe that about PJ’s business. I will tell you that being in business with these destructive maniacs is HELL and being married to them too? NUTS.

      Like

    • WritesinPJ's says:

      Thank you for encouraging me, and I’m thankful to be included in your prayers. I’m looking forward to hearing the story about your new name!

      Like

  3. marsocmom says:

    You are all amazing and strong women to have survived all the abuse and yet hang on to who you are inside. You are doing the best you can with what you have, I know it. And you all have hope, whether it’s to stay and make the best of it, making things better if you can, or whether it’s to take the huge step to leave and start over. None of us is alone anymore! We can at least wrestle emotional control over our lives back from the crazies, and grow stronger together.
    My retreat? I keep thinking of it, my little Florida beach house. http://marsocmom.wordpress.com/2013/02/20/daily-prompt-beach-retreat/
    . Real or imaginary, it works for me. And I would build an extra room for each of you all.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. lonelywife07 says:

    I loved reading this, PJs!! Like New Shoes stated….I get up every morning, and make my blog rounds, checking on my friends! 🙂
    My friend, Paula, at http://tearingatthefabric.wordpress.com lives in another country, we’ve never met, and yet we email each other, daily, for two years now, and are great friends! And we met on a blog!
    All of you are special to me, and it makes living this “life” just a bit easier, knowing that there are others who totally understand how I lonely and insecure I feel 🙂

    Like

  5. Expat says:

    I come here because I feel like I belong. I’ve had about 30 years of every type of abuse. It’s hard to find people who understand and are going through similar things. I can read your blog and nod my head and say “I know what she means. I have been there!” It’s hard to find people who understand. I’ve opened up to people so many times to just be treated like a piece of crap and told it’s my fault for staying or even that I deserve it if I stay! People are really ignorant.

    Have hope PJ’s, one day you will leave there and be yourself again. I am leaving my second unchoosen relationship (FIL) and trying my best to be myself again. Some days are hard. Simple tasks stress me out. Like I have a dentist appt this week for a tooth infection. I am considering cancelling it because it is in the town and like a block away from where my fil lives and going into that town alone puts me in a panic. I will likely wait till DH can come with me.

    I’m over at shitmyfildoes.wordpress.com

    Like

    • Exodus says:

      Expat, I know the panic that you deal with all too well. Even going to the store causes panic. Everything outside of my home creates some level , more or less, of anxiety. I do my best with breathing exercises and with classical music and prayer. I also use Bach Rescue remedies…..I have the spray, the lozenges and the drops in my purse. They really do help me.

      Like

    • WritesinPJ's says:

      Expat, thanks for sharing. It does help to know that someone else gets stressed by what’s simple and everyday stuff (and used to be that way for me too). I hope you get DH to go with you to the dentist soon. Dentist is one of my big anxiety triggers now.

      Like

      • Expat says:

        I had never heard of the remedies before. Do you happen know of a place where you can see what is in each remedy? I could not find an ingredients list on the main website 😦 If not that is OK, just mild curiosity. I have not really found anything to de-stress during panicking. I seem to waste hours or even days sitting around doing absolutely nothing and holding onto those terrible feelings. Getting involved in something I generally like to do isn’t even an option. Very frustrating. I have only found one reliable thing and I cannot do it all the time. Now you all may laugh.. 😀 I like to put my head/face on my husband’s stomach (he has a chubby tummy so it’s nice and comfy)and just lay there. Maybe it’s just skin to skin contact, warmth etc, but it helps a bit, although I feel wore out afterwards and almost instantly sleepy.

        Like

        • Exodus says:

          http://www.bachflower.com/rescue-remedy-information/
          Bach Rescue Remedy is homeopathic medicine. Do a little research on Homeopathy if you’re not familiar with it. I have used their products for many years on myself and my animals! I had a vet that used them as well. Their website explains how each ingredient works.
          Anyway, these are safe to use, don’t interfere with any other medications. Generally, I use about ten drops under my tongue, let it sit for a minute and swallow. If you use the spray, just spray a few sprays under the tongue. They have alcohol free formulas but I don’t mind the alcohol though it tastes a bit like bourbon. If you’re not comfortable putting the drops under your tongue, you can always add ten drops to a very small amount of water and hold it in your mouth for a minute and then swallow.

          I also use individual formulas like crabapple to help give me feel less self conscious .http://www.bachflower.com/original-bach-flower-remedies/

          The sleep remedies are amazing- especially the tiny little pearls! I put 3 under my tongue and just lie down and before I know it, my mind clears and I’m able to sleep. The spray is amazing too!! It doesn’t make you groggy at all.

          No negative side effects at all!!!

          The pastilles are wonderful and like tasty gummy bear candy. I just slowly allow them to dissolve in my mouth.

          The gum…well, it’s not my favorite. I would not recommend it unless you normally like to chew gum.

          I purchase mine on amazon most of the time but you can find them in most healthfood stores. There is usually a big display of them.

          Like

  6. Expat says:

    *Hugs Exodus and PJ’s* Yeah the dentist used to be one of my triggers as well due some incidences. Luckily I have finally found a few good dentists that have restored my faith a little.

    Like

  7. Seeing the Light says:

    Thank you, PJ’s, so much more than you know!!! You and your blog and your provision of a place to “meet” all these women is such a gift. Finally, after so many years, people who understand, people who know. I’m overwhelmed each time I read something you’ve written and I almost get goosebumps and wonder how you could be writing my thoughts?! THANK YOU for being here, PJ’s. Thank you, all you wonderful women. It’s so encouraging to know I am not the only one! How long I felt completely alone. I’ve been here “reading silently in camaraderie”, and I’m finally getting brave enough to speak.

    Like

    • WritesinPJ's says:

      Seeing the Light, thank you for encouraging me to keep writing. Whenever any of you let me know something resonates, it gives me more courage and strength to keep facing my own thoughts and feelings.
      I value your voice here. Each one of your voices makes this a better place for me.

      Like

  8. RockyRoad says:

    PJ – I’m so glad I stumbled across your blog for all the same reasons everyone has already stated. It is comforting to know the feelings we have are normal for the situation we are in and that we’re not as crazy as we began to believe. I’ve wondered a lot of the same things about myself that everyone here has expressed and it is very therapeutic for some peace of mind.

    I became timid about putting myself out there years ago after joining a friendly group formed online only to disband after one member created so much drama that it soon fell apart. After that experience, I became too cautious to form online friendships again. But I find myself being drawn back to your blog and have felt compelled to comment (which I never do) and feel such a kinship to you and your followers. THANK YOU for your willingness to put yourself out there and bring others together for a little group therapy!! 🙂

    Like

    • WritesinPJ's says:

      I had a similar experience in the past with an online community being blown apart. It was so terrible. I hope this stays safe for all of us! I’m thankful that you’re here.

      Like

  9. GainingStrength says:

    I have been reading your blog and the comments for a while now. Knowing other women are out there experiencing this abuse and I’m not alone is worth more than I can say. Your and other blogs I follow gave me the knowledge that I wasn’t crazy and it wasn’t my fault. It released such a weight off my soul.
    The reason I’m leaving a comment is to thank you and your followers for giving me strength. I went and saw a lawyer and am going to file for divorce! I’m amazed at myself. Of course the covert aggressive brainwashing is still making me feel insecure and guilty. Isn’t that crazy?
    So again thank you, your blog does make a difference. It did in my life.

    Like

    • Exodus says:

      GainingStrength, I’m glad that you found this blog. Validation keeps us all pushing through day to day. Hope you will continue to share with all of us. I’m so proud of you for having the courage to file for divorce!!! Stay positive 😀 You’re on a much better path.

      Like

    • WritesinPJ's says:

      Thank you so much for commenting. It means so much to me. It definitely makes a difference, and I don’t feel as alone with all of us here.

      Like

  10. Exodus says:

    Inappropriate segue ( please post as you see fit)…PJ’s and Ladies, I have a special request if you can help. I hope you don’t get upset that I’m asking on this blog but, frankly, you are the only friends I have to ask.
    Perhaps you are familiar with Dog Mountain in St. Johnsbury, VT or if you live nearby but it is one of my favorite places on planet earth and it needs help. I can’t bear the thought of it closing for good. The founders of Dog Mt, artist Stephen Huneck and his wife passed away and the place is in desperate need of support whether it’s volunteering, making a purchase or making a donation. Everything and anything that anyone can do is VERY VERY much appreciated.

    Here are the links: http://www.dogmt.com/dogmountain_news.html
    http://www.youcaring.com/other/-labor-of-love-event-to-preserve-dog-mountain/187109

    Thank you very much for your consideration XXOO

    Like

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