Contrary people

“You have to understand that character disordered persons don’t play by the regular rules, so trying to reach consensus with them and exhausting yourself trying to get them to “see” the unhealthiness of their ways is pointless.  

I have a rhyme I like to use:  “It’s not that they don’t see, it’s that they disagree.”

Character disordered people are not stupid people.  They’re contrary people.”  Dr. George Simon

And to this I add… no kidding.

 

Advertisements
This entry was posted in Uncategorized and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

12 Responses to Contrary people

  1. Exodus says:

    Contrary men without contrition seems to sum up our husbands.
    I’ve often described my husband as having oppositional disorder which I believe is actually a term used in psychology???
    There doesn’t seem to be any point in discussing anything with my husband since he disagrees with everything I say and or he negates his own comments- often times in the same sentence when I show that I’m in agreement with him by nodding my head!!!

    Like

    • RockyRoad says:

      Exodus – I laughed when I read your husband has ‘oppositional disorder’! 🙂 That also describes my pah and explains why it’s so hard to have conversations with him. He seems to challenge so much of what I say no matter what it is, that it’s just plain frustrating. I’ve often wondered why such an outward easy-going guy can be so contrary. Sometimes I dig in my heels and forge ahead with a full blown confrontation and sometimes I just blow it off with a ‘whatevaaa’ response. We’ve all learned their thought process is so foreign to us, the things that come outta their mouth is unbelievable sometimes. The one comment that stuck with me was when he said he couldn’t stand watching Oprah. I pressed him on why and after we went round and round for a while, he finally stated she was evil. Whaaaattt?? When I pressed forward with why he made that statement, he could never give me a valid reason for that determination. I mean, wouldn’t a rational thinking person have an explanation for such a declaration??

      Like

      • Exodus says:

        Oh yes, the Evil Oprah..you gotta watch out fer her now! She might put bad thoughts in your head about your wonderful husband and perfect marriage. I’ll bet she has destroyed so many perfectly happy marriages around the world.

        Like

  2. Exodus says:

    Thought I would just share this story about what real love looks like:

    The client that I had to meet the other day is married to a wonderful man who is out of the country at the moment and so she’s been managing the contractors while he’s gone. The other evening, upon completion and inspection of the first phase of our work she said, ‘ Oh, I wish so much my husband was here and could see this!! He would be so excited!! I miss him so much!! He’s the sweetest man and the best husband” A few minutes later she said, ‘ I’ll be flying to such and such on this day and then I’m flying to such and such on that day. I can’t wait to see my husband!!!!!”
    She’s been married to him for 30 years, they have grown children and her husband has only been gone for 2 weeks.
    On the way back to our office, I commented to my husband how wonderful it was to work for a couple that is truly in love and works so well together as a committed team. His comment, ‘ They are like that because they don’t spend much time together.’ I wondered how he arrived at that excuse? In fact, they spend most of their time together. My husband has never met her husband and he only just met the lady that day. Yet he knows that they spend little time together????
    Bah Humbug.

    I couldn’t help but wonder though if it ever occurs to my husband that he too could have a wife who speaks of him so affectionately. Maybe that’s the problem- he doesn’t believe that he could ever be worthy of deserving that.

    Like

    • WritesinPJ's says:

      Is that it? Or does he think I don’t deserve it?

      Like

      • Exodus says:

        PJ’s…the most difficult thing to accept is that when our husbands abuse us, they are really abusing themselves. This is the narcissistic aspect of PA abuse. It’s not about us PJ’s and never has been even though any affection or love that we show them makes them uncomfortable and agitates them because they fear being shamed or hurt by it. They can’t stand being vulnerable on any level. PA people need someone to beat up and they will always choose people who care about them or need them because they learned very early on that the people that they needed and cared about abused them in some way. There was always a part of me that felt very sorry for my husband and I know that one of the reasons that I stayed so long was because I wanted to help him heal his wounds and become everything wonderfulthat he could be. Sadly though, his coping mechanisms of opposing love are so entrenched in his emotional intelligence that he simply can’t even acknowledge that there is a problem because that admission in itself is to shameful and painful.

        Like

        • newshoes says:

          You are partially right, they are on a self-destructive path but they like to bring people along with them.

          Like

          • Exodus says:

            I don’t believe that my husband consciously enjoys bringing people down with him. I’m not excusing his behavior at all but I realize that he’s emotionally and mentally disturbed and this is how he learned to cope and behave in order to protect himself from hurt and shame.They lack the ability to recognize their own anger and how it controls them. It’s not easy for the average Josie to grasp how disturbed these men are and that there’s nothing we can do to help them. They is what they is. I would imagine that parents who have terminally ill children feel much the same way we have …desperate to find a cure and save them from suffering. We can’t. I’m not sure anyone could ever get them to consciously tap into their anger because it has infected every cell in their body and even affected their brain chemistry and functionality. Maybe if they had received help at an earlier age???
            Most recently, scientists have shown that they can do an MRI brain scan and determine if a person is a psychopath or sociopath. Apparently, the pre-frontal cortex can be damaged by physical, developmental and emotional trauma and result in a person who lacks a conscience.

            “These areas are important in understanding other people’s emotions and intentions and are activated when people think about moral behavior, the researchers noted. Damage to these areas is associated with impaired empathizing with other people, a poor response to fear and distress, and a lack of self-conscious emotions such as guilt or embarrassment.”

            http://psychcentral.com/news/2012/05/11/scans-show-psychopaths-have-brain-abnormalities/38540.html

            Although I would not consider my husband a psychopath since he’s not overtly aggressive, I do consider him to be a sociopath on many levels. The above quote describes him perfectly.

            Like

        • WritesinPJ's says:

          ” There was always a part of me that felt very sorry for my husband and I know that one of the reasons that I stayed so long was because I wanted to help him heal his wounds and become everything wonderfulthat he could be.”

          I’m guessing we’d all raise at hand at this.

          Like

    • lonelywife07 says:

      Exodus…my husband does that also! Makes comments about people like he KNOWS them really well…when in fact, he doesn’t know them at all! It irritates me sooo much!
      I’ve started to say something to him when he does that.
      I tell him, “Why do you say that..you don’t know them at all!” And he either makes an excuse, saying he was kidding, or doesn’t say anything!
      He just acts like a know it all sometimes!

      Like

      • Exodus says:

        Oh yeah…’ I’m kidding’ is one of their favorite lines because it allows them to test the waters with their semi-committed comments and then easily excuse whatever they say if anyone disagrees. PA people are people pleasers with everyone except those that they are emotionally involved with. It’s so backwards and bizarre how they will go to such great lengths to please a stranger or even a shyster that is ripping them off and yet when it comes to their spouse and families, they are very cold and neglectful. In a way, it’s just like the man who spends more time and money and concern for his mistress who obviously has no respect for him or his family. Is it no wonder why so many affairs that end in marriage end up in divorce? Happens all the time.

        Like

        • newshoes says:

          I hear the “Im kidding” too, especially when it has to do with something mean he’s said to me or one of the kids, but he was just kidding so we have to swallow the pill.

          Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s