He makes me crazy

I know, don’t say it, I know that no one can ‘make’ you anything.  If you’re the kind of person that has never been provoked to anger by a passive aggressive man, you might not want to stay for this post.  (Some of our stories might disturb you.) It won’t do any good in the moment to advise me to not marry or stay with a crazymaker, because you’re preaching to the choir.  It won’t help to ask, “Why don’t you just leave?”  We’re already asking the questions, and encouraging each other to sort through, heal, gain strength, and find the answers.  

All that stuff we’re aware of, yet for many of us, here we are, married to and living with a crazymaker. 

Reactive anger can sometimes look like reactive abuse, and feel like slippery, treacherous ground to explore for victims of a crazymaker.  When he behaves in crazy ways, our sensibilities are shocked, flabberghasted, befoozled, thrown into painful fog, and at times even traumatized. When he behaves in covertly abusive ways that are irrationally destructive and toxic (even destructive to himself), it’s difficult to wrap my head around it.  I try to make sense of it, and can’t.  It stymies sane thinking.  Most of the time, his behavior impacts me.  It would be one thing if the consequences were only affecting him, but that’s sadly not how it works.  If the consequences of his bad choices and crazy behaviors are building over time, or blowing up suddenly, it can produce the proverbial straw to the camel’s back.  Only it doesn’t really look like a regular camel, but a mutant camel that turns part wolverine, part rabid bat, and part tasmanian devil. 

Think about it.  A crazymaker makes you crazy.  And sometimes, the crazy just saturates and before you know it, you are feeling, looking, and acting kind of crazy yourself. 

Crazymakers actually kind of like this, even though they have to deal with the shock and awe factor present when their victim explodes.  Crazymakers like the big reactions because it not only means that they can manipulate you into expressing emotions for them, but it also gives them the opportunity for you to ‘share their badness’.  Your reaction means the crazymaker can point an accusing finger and say, “Tsk tsk… look at you!  Why, you’re acting abusive!  I feel abused!”

Warning:  This will only produce more shock and awe to erupt from the already ignited victim of passive aggressive abuse.

It was cute and humorous when Milo made his mild mannered mommy cat upset in Milo and Otis.  This is nothing like that.  This is when you know you’re better off not to be near any sharp objects. 

It’s when you suddenly realize that you’ve leaped up on the bed, and you’re jumping up and down and waving your arms.

Yes… that really happened.

And you ask yourself, “What am I doing?  Why am I doing this?  Who am I?”

It’s when you feel an anger that you didn’t know you were capable of feeling because he’s hurt someone you love.  It’s when words come out of your mouth that are so angry, that you feel like you’re having an out of body experience and listening to a stranger.

That’s really it, you become a stranger to yourself in those moments. 

And you don’t like it.  Actually, that’s an understatement.  You can feel rather horrified, and along with that can follow a powerful feeling of grief.  A mourning for losing yourself. The anger can flow back to yourself as you ask why you would ever say or do such a thing.  It’s really feels like temporary insanity, because that’s rather accurate.  The insanity of his passive aggressiveness has temporarily loosed the anchor that tethers you to the foundation of your being, and your thoughts and emotions have become a maelstrom of reactive pain turned to anger.

What’s the difference between what you do and what he does? 

His passive aggressive abuse is repetitive and seemingly without remorse or empathy for its impact.  Ultimately, he’s okay with it, because it works for him.  He’s offended that you took offense at his offending you.  He doesn’t truly feel he does wrong, and has a thick book of excuses to use at every turn and incident.  He can offend in calm, premeditated ways, and emerge seemingly unaffected and unscathed.  You’ve seen him hum, whistle, or laugh and joke from around the corner while you’re barely able to think clearly through the pain and fog.

When he elicits a big reaction, you are usually caught by surprise when the pain erupts and exceeds normal levels. You try to always brace yourself, but just when you think you’ve anticipated every event, he unpleasantly surprises you.  You don’t always see it coming, no matter how hard you try.  (Add in the self-recrimination that you didn’t see it or prepare for it.)

When you get that angry, you don’t like it.  You don’t feel okay about it, and no matter how much he’s hurt you, you eventually calm down and take ownership for your own words and behavior.  Then you work harder on your own character flaws, weaknesses, blindspots, and your ability to enact and hold to healthy boundaries.

The End.

P.S.  If you’re a passive aggressive husband snooping on your wife here, then shame on you.  Why don’t you use the time to fall on your knees and plead for mercy and a miracle.  Use the time to find a therapist who can help you understand how deceptive you are, how much denial you’re in, how disordered your thoughts and character are, and how much destruction your passive aggressive ways have brought into the lives of people you’re supposed to love.  You don’t even really love yourself.  You’re just defending who you want to think you are with every fiber of your being instead. You have a slim thread of hope, and the odds are against you.  That’s the best I can offer.  The rest depends on how much courage and manliness you can muster.  Just in case you’re out there, I’ll try to work on adding Resources with links soon. 

 

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25 Responses to He makes me crazy

  1. Exodus says:

    PJ’s, I think that PA behavior is the ONE form of abuse that actually can and does drive victims to insanity! This seems to be one of the most common descriptions of this disorder in most everything I’ve read.
    Too bad they don’t drive us so insane that we end up in uncontrollable fits of laughter since laughing is good for our health. Oh, shucks, that’s right…PA abusers don’t want their victims to experience anything healthy. DUH!

    I’ve written before that I kept a journal mainly because I never knew what would happen to me. I didn’t know if I would end up in jail or commit suicide or be murdered. There was always a fear that whatever PA abuse ailed me in any given moment that it might be the final straw- the one that sends me over the edge. Everything in my home is a possible weapon in my fits of rage ( which rarely happen anymore since I’m too burned out) whether it’s a can of tomato soup or a bucket of water or the spray nozzle on the sink. I’ve used them all at one time or another.The thing that really bothers me the most is feeling as though I’ve become just like my violent parents. I know that my situation is not the same as my parents but even so, violence is just wrong and SO unnecessary in any relationship.

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  2. Seeing the Light says:

    Oh, wow! PJ’s you really hit the nail on the head with this post. I would say – at least for my crazymaker – he doesn’t just kind of like this – he thrives on it. He may not “love” it, but he craves it. He craves my angry outbursts, loss of control, and instability like a junkie craves his next hit. The last major hit he got was a few months ago and I could see him enjoying the high while he wore his calm smirk. He got a minor one about a month ago, and since then I have firmed up my resolve. He’s pulled a couple of things I believe were intended to start me down that same path, but I’m seeing more clearly all the time. No more feeding off of me. (I should add I have never been the kind to back down from a fight or be afraid to speak up against what’s wrong and I have done that during this process of enlightenment, but I have also seen how completely ineffective it is and how it backfires). Now I am exercising all the self-control I can muster to refuse to go there. I give nothing but cool indifference. It’s not easy, but it’s such a victory! (Keep in mind, I think indifference is a terrible thing to do to someone you love, to someone innocent, to people in general, but this is the only safe line of self-defense I’ve got against someone who has been given the chance to have a relationship and has abused it repeatedly. And I am not playing a game with him either. I have told him straight out where I am coming from and how I am approaching our interaction now). That cool indifference is part of the detachment that allows me to stay under the same roof and not be abused anymore. Detachment is so key for me. I wonder if it would be helpful or attainable for any of you other women out here?

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  3. lost7658 says:

    i blew up last summer and ended up getting arrested . It was months of misery and I eventually just blew up. I never hit him or anything but I did push him and put soap in a fish tank.. all of which equals criminal activity. We live in an apartment so the neighbors heard us fighting and called the cops. During our argument he punched me and then ran off. When he saw the police coming he ran out there to tell them that I was bi- polar and crazy. Never mind he had been playing games for months , lying , and destroying personal items. Not to mention he ended up getting our taxes audited at that time and left me to do all the work even though it was his fault.
    You should never ever play into their game. Sadly they can manipulate the situation and you end up looking like an abuser .

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    • lonelywife07 says:

      Lost7658 that happened to a friend of mine also….she punched her PAH in the arm after she learned of his affair…and he had her arrested 2 mos later.
      Unbeknownst to her he had taken a pic of his arm, it was slightly red where she had hit him, as she cried, “Why? Why? Why?”
      And after two months, he took the pic to the police…NOT to have her arrested, OF COURSE…but just to find out what he could do to protect himself from the little woman!
      When she went to court the next day, by herself….he went to the mall shopping and had lunch with his brother…texting her the whole time, asking how she was doing..and telling her how much fun he was having.
      Yes, he’s a sick piece of trash!
      I hope you are now free of him, Lost 7658

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      • Exodus says:

        My dear friend and ex employee is in prison now because she tried to burn her husband up in the bed. We all need to have some sort of support system to turn to when we feel that desperate because it’s not right that victims end up in prison. An even scarier truth about our current society is that women are being arrested and imprisoned ( for 5 plus years) more often now on minor crimes like not paying truancy fines that were imposed because their kids missed school. I’m not sure why the establishment seems so anti-women right now but do beware of this mindset that has penetrated our culture. If you don’t have a therapist that understands how dire and detrimental these relationships can be, then find another one who does. ALWAYS be the first to file any complaint or concern with the police ( vs your husband). Having a therapist who can testify on your behalf helps tremendously. My friend was so abused for so long by two husbands that she doesn’t even care about being in prison. For her, prison provides more freedom and peace of mind than she’s had since childhood. My friend had no journal, no one who knew what she was enduring, no therapist. I tried to help her when she got arrested but she didn’t even want my help. She gladly wanted to retreat from her abusive world. I hate to think that any of us would reach that point of no return.

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  4. RockyRoad says:

    My first thought is your PAH has discovered your blog. Uh-oh. Wouldn’t it be wonderful if they actually do learn something productive and practice it?!?

    STL – yes I have attained the detachment phase. And after I did, I slowly began to realize the constant PA moves seemed to subside because I was no longer “feeding the monster” by playing out his anger for him. It’s not fun living in complete emotional detachment from someone you are supposed to love, but it sure beats living in the constant stress of feeling like you’re being pushed over the edge of sanity.

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  5. lonelywife07 says:

    “You’ve seen him hum, whistle, or laugh and joke from around the corner while you’re barely able to think clearly through the pain and fog.” YES!! Cold and cruel….that’s what they are!!

    This post makes me feel sad. Because of the horrible truth that is written here. It’s a sad, sick type of truth…but truth none the less.
    The anger…and then the horrible guilt I would feel afterwards has brought me to my knees numerous times.
    Who am I? How can I act this way…this crazy lady isn’t really me, is it??
    Sadly, yes, as I would gaze into the mirror, through eyes swollen with tears, and I would hate that person I saw looking back at me.
    I have actually beat myself in the stomach with my fists, jaw clenched tight, repeatedly saying, “I HATE you, I HATE YOU!!”
    And all along, it wasn’t really me….I was just acting out what PA Man couldn’t. His anger transferred onto me.
    I don’t like my husband. He’s a cruel, selfish man-child. I saw that first hand last night, when he verbally attacked MY son….calling him a weirdo…the son that is in therapy for anxiety and OCD…brought on by his selfish fathers affair!!
    The anger that has been in our home, the distrust, the tension…my son is now paying the price. His fears, insecurities…they are now part of who he is. He’s 14, and worries like a 40 yr old! And this all started AFTER his selfish father decided he needed another woman to help him feel good about himself!!
    But it was “just” an emotional affair…just an “infatuation”…he never meant for me to find out….but I did, and that’s when his dormant passive aggressive self came to life!
    It was always there, just hidden so well, I couldn’t see it.

    Passive aggressive individuals have no conscience, no empathy, no respect for basic fairness….they are sad, sick individuals…and they don’t belong in society with normal people….let alone living in a home with a family.

    I no longer show the explosive anger that was my life for so long….not after I realized that PA Man would use it against me….now I stay calm, and let him see the contempt and disgust I feel for him.
    He is a sick man and needs help, unfortunately, like other passive aggressive men, he blames everyone else, so nothing ever changes.

    I hope I have the courage to leave him when my youngest son is able to cope with his anxiety better….because he deserves to be alone…he doesn’t deserve me or his family…and we deserve better than what he has to offer!

    To any PA men reading this. You are not a man…you are a man-child. A weak, abusive, shameful man-child!

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    • Exodus says:

      Lonely,
      I have actually self abused much like you hitting yourself in the stomach. I don’t know if others here have ever reached the point of self abuse but I believe it’s part of the insanity of not knowing who to hate more…them for abusing us or ourselves for choosing them and staying with them. Maybe it’s our way of actually creating visible scars since we never get those. I’ve often slapped myself in the head and face while calling myself a stupid whore, a stupid bitch. My husband saw the bruises once and said that I was a crazy coward for beating myself, rolled his eyes and shook his head in disgust. It makes me sick just remembering those moments. I just want to roll up in a ball and cry.

      It makes me sad to know that you AND your son are having to endure this. I know what it’s like to be a kid and have so much anxiety and stress to deal with. I had a full blown stomach ulcer by age 18 that landed me in the hospital. I was also taking Librax and other meds for my stomach. This no way to live Lonely. I’m not judging you negatively because I know how hard it is to leave but maybe having a son to protect will help you muster the courage to move forward. Your son still has a chance to heal with your help. You are all he has. Sorry for sounding like I’m putting you on a guilt trip. Gosh, I wish there was a more gentle way to tell the truth but the truth in this matter is not kind or gentle at all. I wish so much that I could help you so that you could help your son. The sooner you leave, the happier and more relaxed your son will feel and be able to restore some level of normal to his life. Living with your self absorbed PA husband only leaves your son full of uncertainty, no stability and certainly no joy. Please try to find a way out of there. You and your son deserve a happy life together. ((( Hugs ))))

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  6. Bronze says:

    I have to say leaving, even though our financial position is much, much worse did wonders for my kids. The difference is astounding. When you put photos together of before and after my daugher had dyed black hair and looked severely depressed. One year after leaving she has gone back to blonde and wears lovely clothes again. My other daughter has started to ask for hugs and sing and whistle, coming out of what she described to me as severe depression. My son is calm and happy and has transitioned to University with no problems. This is all while I have been doing a degree. We have become a great little team and I know for sure, that would NEVER have happened with him in the house. My son still comes back every weekend – he does not visit his Dad very much at all and only because his Dad gives him money. In the end it was the money that kept me there so long. It is still a huge worry for me but every day I put music on, or laugh or anything really and I know, if that man was in this house, the atmosphere would be heavy, angry and hopeless. It is a pall that hangs over the whole house and wrecks everybody inside it. I too have reacted in anger to him – that anger also actually carried over into the outside world because expressing anger to him was a sure fire way to be abused. I very rarely get angry now. Frustrated yes, angry no. This has taken me some time because immediately after leaving the waves of rage I experienced that I had never been able to express for fear before where actually overwhelming and scary. I wish you ladies well who are still dealing with these nasty, twisted men. Reading these posts and blogs has been really helpful in my healing and ability to move on with less regrets. I feel everything you say and remember who awful living that way was and how stuck you feel. Just awful. ((hugs))

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    • Bronze says:

      Ugh, typos and bad grammar. Forgive me – it’s late at night here. *were *how (Can’t fix the poor sentence structures – you’ll have to read around them)

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    • WritesinPJ's says:

      Bronze, what you share with us is really priceless. Thank you for being part of this place.

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    • Exodus says:

      Bronze, you an amazing mother and woman. It warms my heart to know that your children are now happy and safe because of you. I’m just so happy for your kids Bronze. I sincerely mean that. I can’t stand the thought of any child having to suffer in an unhappy home.

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  7. Seeing the Light says:

    Bronze, I so happy for you and your children. I admire your courage and strength. I imagine sometimes how my children and I would flourish without him in the same home, but it seems impossible. Did he not fight for custody? (If that’s too personal, I understand).

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  8. seriously says:

    BANG ON!! again of course. I have done so many things that I regret because I was pushed to the brink of my limit and then over my limit. When you start questioning yourself and you forget who you really were and you act in ways that do not ressemble your true self, the questions that you ask yourself afterwards are quite confusing. I thought for so long that I was a terrible wife, that I was less than loving and definitely not a husband worthy woman or even a good mother. And yet something in the back of my mind reminded me that I was once a very patient loving caring forgiving person, and this was confirmed by people who knew me before my pah. I never got mad to the point of not being able to think straight, I didn’t yell or scream, I didn’t fight until I was blue in the face, I forgave easily and I loved tremendously. Why am I so different with others but with my pah, I feel like a monster? That question was answered many times over and over in therapy, because they transfer their negative emotions and make us do the dirty work so we end up looking like the “bad guy” and they go about their day, happy go lucky and we are left with the bitter resentment and the painful memory of hurting someone because we “lost it”. I can garantee you that it hasn’t happened many times but I felt like less than human and I asked God to forgive him and to help me make it up to HIM and to the injured party which was either my pah or my kids. I feel so bad that I ended up the “bad guy” so many times because the pah wouldn’t deal with issues with the children, so discipline was left up to me (even if I didn’t agree with his “idea” of discipline) to do the dirty work because it was easier for me to “justify” me giving out discipline than he giving out his way of discipline. In reality I thought I was protecting them from the worse but often, it went donwhill and he would interject himself in between me and the child and you can imagine what that gave!! An all out browl with the kids in the middle and getting it double!!! I have had to apologize so many times, I have had to put myself physically in the middle so the pah wouldn’t start cornering the poor kids in a small space and yell over their heads.
    It’s been bad, reall bad at times. I take responsability for my part in screwing up the kids, and nothing I can do will fix that now, they are too old to change and they are too young to be this jaded and negative but there you have it. The result. It also means that they will reproduce the same things in their relationships with their future partners. I’m never going to forgive myself this. No matter how much therapy I do, this never goes away.

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    • WritesinPJ's says:

      Seriously, you expressed that so well that I sit here and sadly nod. You described the dynamics that play out when you have kids, and it’s true. I also take responsibility for my part in screwing up my kids. It’s overwhelming, and forgiveness for myself will have to be an ongoing process.

      The reality your words laid out is a huge motivating force for me to continue with the blog. I hope someone will either not marry some guy, choose not to have kids with him, or get out while the kids are really young. I wish for my mistakes and pain to have some redemption.

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      • Exodus says:

        I don’t have children as you know but, I feel terribly ashamed that I have stayed here in this relationship as long as I have. The main reason I feel shame is because of my great grandmother.
        My great grandmother was a lovely woman and she had 7 daughters. She was married to a very abusive husband who had affairs with women. They struggled with so many things and so much loss. My great grandfather was a grocer and they lived above the store. His entire store burned down and the family was left with not even a penny. After that he became even more abusive and my great grandmother discovered that she was dying from uterine and stomach cancer. She was so sick, bed-ridden and had to be nursed by her daughters round the clock. A few of her daughters, including my grandmother had to get jobs to help pay for her medical care. Her husband was too wrapped up in his own life to show her an ounce of concern. While my great grandmother so ill, she asked her daughter/my grandmother to have an attorney come to her bed. She filed for divorce and had her husband removed from the home. I can’t imagine being in such a fragile state with 7 daughters to raise and no money and filing for divorce but she did. The reason she did that was because she wanted her daughters to know that no matter what condition you’re in , you should never compromise your self respect. She died with her dignity before the divorce was finalized.
        I think about her almost every day and I wonder if she is watching me and I feel so ashamed. This is not what she wanted for her daughters and grand daughters. I wish so much that I could have just a little bit of her courage.

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        • Seeing the Light says:

          Exodus, my heart hurts with you when I read your posts like this. What do you have to be ashamed about? Your life story has been filled with so much abuse, from such a tender age. You have been running on empty all your life – sabotaged, betrayed, and used by the people that were supposed to gently care for you and advocate for you, by the people who were supposed to have your back. You were ready to forgive and love without retribution back in February when he seemed to change. You have refused to submit a new dog to the stress and dysfunction of your home for the dog’s sake. I admire you. I hardly think your great-grandmother, if she were watching you, would want you to feel ashamed. I wonder if your shame is an obstacle to you finding your courage. It is very natural to an abuse victim. Completely misplaced, but natural. And defeating. The shame will have to go for the courage to take hold.

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          • Exodus says:

            Oh Seeing, thank you so much for sharing these words. Last night I had a dream that I was washing dishes and when I looked outside the window over the sink, I saw my abusive great grandfather and I asked him to step closer so I could look into his eyes. He had these HUGE crystal blue eyes and he was a very tall lanky man. He said, ‘ Oh yes, you’re looking for your grandmother’s eyes”. He was referring to his daughter’s eyes, not his wife’s eyes. I woke up feeling so uneasy and unsure what that dream meant. What do you think it meant?
            You’re right, I am filled with shame and you’re right, it prevents me from doing a lot of things anymore. I don’t want to make any friends, I don’t want to go anywhere people might recognize me. I fear being involved in anything that involves a commitment because I fear failing. I feel like such a complete failure with no hope for a better future. I feel so defeated before I even begin the day. I know in my heart that if I even try to improve anything that my husband will undermine my every effort.

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            • Seeing the Light says:

              Exodus, that dream is a tough one. My dreams, especially the more disturbing ones, are usually about something that is bothering me in my “real life” or in my current thoughts – fears, most of the time. They can get pretty bizarre. I know you have been thinking about your great-grandmother lately. Did you know your great-grandfather? Did you have a special relationship with your grandmother (his daughter)? What would it mean to you to look into his eyes – the eyes of the abuser? Dreams are so tough.

              I want to encourage you so much. I really know just how you feel, and I am fighting to just keep my nose and mouth above water (not even my chin). I used to spend time literally curled up on the floor bawling, lost to even keep my thoughts straight, but I am fighting for my life now. Where could you start? Is there something that would be your next step? I consider the fact that you don’t sleep together – which I read somewhere out here – an awesome first step. [It is a life-saver for me. It is such a relief and I have no intentions of ever being used by him physically again!] What ground could you take that he could not take back? However small?

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              • Exodus says:

                Seeing, I know you know what I’m dealing with and it means the world to me that you do even though I wish we didn’t have this awfulness in common. I’m so angry at the moment because I discovered that ONCE AGAIN my husband has left food smeared all over the leather sofa that I just refinished last winter. He does this every single damn night. I have asked him every night to please not spill food and smear it all over the furniture but no, he must- probably because I refinished the sofa. Tonight when he gets home and wants to eat on the sofa, I’m going to pull out the shotgun ( no ammo though..DURN) and I’m going to scare the living you know what out of him. This is one of those insane moments. I’m done with this..he can eat outside with the rabbits off the ground but he will never eat inside this house again as long as I’m here.

                Pfooo….I’m red-lining.

                Now, about my dream. I only have a minute… My grandmother knew my husband was bad news but she bit her tongue because she feared that my mother would make big scene about how she was interfering with my life. My N mother wanted me to marry this creep and I didn’t want to but I did because of her accusing me of being a selfish person who didn’t care about others and that’s a whole nother story. My grandmother was the only person in my family who cared about me but she had so much interference from my jealous N mother that she tried to just be supportive in a positive gentle way that wouldn’t cause mother to blow and make a big scene. I’m not sure about the dream..not yet anyway. I’ll have to get back to you on that. I learned once from a therapist how to do dream analysis by writing key words from the dream in one column and then she would say the words and I would tell her how I felt and she would write the associated feelings down in the next column. Sure enough a true story would emerge.
                I will try that.

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              • Exodus says:

                Hi Seeing,
                I’m back and have more time to specifically address your post. I was so upset last night and in such a tizzy that I could barely write. I did confront my husband last night and the whole time I kept thinking, ‘ this means absolutely nothing to him.” The only way for me to manage my lifestyle and ‘marriage’ is to remove the source of conflict altogether. I explained to him that it is HE who puts me in the position of having to manage his behavior and our lifestyle and although I don’t want to live like this, he leaves me with no other choice since I must share a home and business with him right now. I have taken away his credit cards, his debit cards, I only pick up his clutter one time and that’s to carry it to the trash can. I don’t care what it is- piles of clothing on the floor, shoes piled up so high at the bottom of the steps that I cannot even walk over them. My husband is hell-bent on depriving me of anything that makes me happy or makes my life easier. He even throws away our flatware. I can’t tell you how many bags of trash I have had to sift through over the years to search for forks and knives- some of them very expensive. SO, in order to end that game, I have a collection of packs of plasticware from restaurants and I give that to him- EVEN when we have guests. I also don’t keep more than 2 of each utensil in the drawer ( that way it’s easy for me to know if he’s thrown one away) and I hide the rest under lock and key.

                It truly saddens me to know that you too reach such depths of despair that you end up in the fetal position on the floor crying. Do you have anyone to talk to that provides comfort and wisdom? I’ve been in that position so many times and it was my dogs that comforted me. Love has always been my drug. There was nothing more wonderful than being able to wrap my arms around my dogs and just lie there in peace- surrounded by love. I would sing a song while lying there with my dogs called, ‘ It’s Alright’ by Sarah Hickman. It’s such a soothing meditative song and whenever I get upset, I hum it or sing it. I’ve also noticed that when I’m walking in the woods that animals come to me when I sing that song. All my life I’ve had animals to turn to for protection, guidance, wisdom and love. I always believed that I was closest to G-d when I was in the company of an animal.

                I do find ways to establish my own sacred space in this house and in this relationship but it’s always challenging because I need to be aware of what my sneaky slimy husband will notice and punish me for. If I leave my violin sitting on a table he will know I was playing it, if I go shopping, he will scan the house for what I purchased, It’s truly amazing that this man can’t find a bottle of milk in the frig but he can sniff out a brand new jar of peanut butter that I bought that day within minutes of walking in the door. I’m tellin ya, I think the man is possessed by some evil spirit. If the car is moved then he will know I was out doing something. He won’t confront me but he’ll certainly punish me. I don’t worry so much about the punishments now that my dogs are gone and can’t be affected. I usually took my dogs to the bank with me because they loved the ride and to get a cookie. One day I was about to put my dog in the car but sensed that I shouldn’t and decided to leave her at home. THANK G_D I did because my husband decided to punish me for yelling at him about losing a bank deposit the night before and he dumped a very lethal pesticide on the back floorboard of my car. He made it look like an accident. He poured the pesticide in a coke bottle and left the lid mostly unscrewed so it would leak out. Anyway, I got in the car and noticed an odor but thought that he had “accidentally” spilled a tiny amount oil or mix or something in the back of the car to punish me ( I always expect something). I opened all the windows but by the time I got to the bank I was so sick to my stomach and very dizzy and realized what he had done. The fumes were unreal!! I realized that there was no way I could drive home in that condition and the teller told me to come inside and wait for an ambulance. They administered oxygen and I had to be treated with charcoal. I swear to you that I was burping this pesticide for two days! What really angered me was that had my dog been with me, she could have died. I also would not have been able to bring her home since I had to go to the doctor. I wanted to call the police but I knew that I couldn’t prove malice and the other thing is that the state would have fined us and revoked or suspensded his license for mishandling a controlled substance. I never said a word to him, i never told him that I had to be treated at the emergency center. He did find the medical bill but he never asked what it was for..not a word. That’s how I knew for sure that he deliberately tried to harm me. This is one of the reasons why I am always trying to warn anyone who lives with a PA person about the ‘ accidents’ that these psychos ‘ unintentionally’ cause. The part that we all need to understand is that they really don’t consciously know they are doing these things. They are completely possessed by anger that takes control of their mind and their actions. I have a basic check list that I live by before I drive my car, before I leave my house and sadly, that list is lighter now that my dogs are gone. I don’t know whether to feel glad or mad about that. I guess I feel both.

                I do have a few things that I keep just to myself for myself. I have my religion, my religious practice and he doesn’t interfere with those things probably because he’s terrified of G-d. I also have my flower gardens and my violin. I also have this blog where I have unloaded so much of my every day frustration. My husband knows I write on here but he would never dare to read it. He’s PA and he would never want to know the truth about himself or his wife. That’s why all the PA books that I’ve purchased for him have never been opened. He doesn’t need help! He knows exactly what he needs to do and he’s getting better, getting better, getting better, getting better……….blah blah blah

                My dream:

                I’ve done a bit of analysis using the method that I described in my other post and what I believe the dream may have been revealing was my desire to seek clarity through my abusive ggrandfather’s ( big blue crystal-like) eyes. I never knew my ggrandfather as he died shortly before I was born. My grandmother was always in denial about her father’s abuse toward her mother. Well, maybe she didn’t deny it within herself but she surely never spoke a word about it to anyone. She never spoke an unkind word about anyone really. She believed that it was not healthy to focus on the negatives in life but instead to focus on our current blessings and a positive future and I know that she’s right. I also know that unless we know where come from, we can’t choose our own destiny. Free will only exists when we are aware of the past and choose to repeat it or not. Denial only traps us in the past. The truth surely does set us free! My grandmother knew that I struggled so with my mother and I know that she felt great shame and guilt about that. I tried to help her realize that I didn’t blame her and that my mother was responsible for continuing to unleash her own pain on me. My mother abused both my grandmother and I all the time. I think the dream was just an acknowledgment that the effects of my ggrandfather’s abuse affected the generations after him and ultimately why I married my abusive husband. I used to tell myself as a teenager that the abuse would stop with me. I made certain of that but on the other hand, living with that constant awareness that I might turn out to be like my mother always kept me in a very deprived and flawed state of being. I wish I would have trusted myself more and had faith in my own ability to overcome and rise above it all.

                I wish that we could find a way out of our relationships. I guess we just need to trust in the natural order of the universe and trust that we’ll leave when the timing is right. Not sharing the bed makes a huge difference in how I feel about myself. I feel less toxic and more pure. I feel like I’m living a more honest life which makes me feel less burdened with shame. One day at a time, one step toward freedom each day. That’s all we can do.

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                • Seeing the Light says:

                  Oh, Exodus, there is so much here! Wow! I’ve heard everything you’ve said but I don’t know if I can respond to it all. That pesticide business is scary. I hope you can get out of there soon. Let’s keep moving forward. I will be praying for you.

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                • WritesinPJ's says:

                  Like Seeing the Light, I find the pesticide incident very disturbing and scary!

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                  • Exodus says:

                    I will assume, from my own experience, that the PA’s punishments become harsher the longer we stay with them. Not only do they need to find new ways to punish but like any type of punishment, it usually starts out as gentle and becomes more aggressive as time goes on.

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  9. Pingback: Reactive abuse | My World

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