I get cold

Not long ago, my husband said he thought we should take the top lightweight blanket off our bed, and that we didn’t need it.  I told him that I get cold, and that I still need it to please stay on.  He said ‘okay’ and it seemed to drop out of sight. 

Last night, like a wave from behind, I felt myself hit my knees emotionally.  I felt drained, frustrated with myself (lack of progress), and had extreme doubt in my ability to make progress. 

I’d actually had a good conversation with my oldest son earlier that evening, and it was a lot about our shared experiences with nutrition and exercise.  He had lots of helpful stories from his active service time in the Marines to share.  It stirred up so many memories of when I was young and extremely athletic.  Maybe that triggered a later feeling of futility.  My husband walked in towards the end of the conversation and joined us for part of it.  That was all fine, except a subterranean feeling I had.  I think it was dislike and resentment towards my husband because I felt… somehow diminished by a couple of his remarks. 

Does this mean I’m getting more passive aggressive?

The conversation rambled to what kind of person can have klutzy accidents (be kind of accident prone), and I felt what he said was innately not accurate.  He wasn’t including me as accident prone.  He really wasn’t.  But he was expressing that athletes don’t have those kind of klutzy accidents because of their honed sense of balance, agility, understanding body physics, and awareness of long term consequences.  I reminded him of how extremely athletic I once was, and in at least my case, what he said wasn’t true. 

You know… I know we can all have different opinions on things.  That’s not a problem for me.  In trying to get to the bottom of the dislike and resentment I felt in those moments, I think it was what felt like his smugness, his calm voice of being the final authority that triggered me.

And here I go with the back and forth conversation in my head.  I’m sure I’ve done that at times.  Why should I get upset with him? 

Well, for one thing, he’s habitually and repetitively dismissed and invalidated my ideas and input over the years.  With almost always this certain tone that he uses at those times.  Yep.  Definitely a trigger for me.  It might not be such a trigger if he mostly turned out to be right at those times, but he’s mostly turned out to be wrong, and that has never stopped him from continuing to dismiss and invalidate me.  He’ll even acknowledge in hindsight certain things I was right about, and in such a way that conveys that in the future he’ll listen more respectfully to me.  When piglets fly.

Wow.  When I started this post, I wasn’t thinking about all that.  Just the blanket on our bed, and what happened.

We said goodnight to our son, and headed to bed.  That’s when that wave hit me hard from behind, and just took me down emotionally.  I tried talking to him last night about ‘us’.  I told him that I was losing hope about anything changing, except what I could choose to make a change myself.  I told him that I was so drained by the lack of love from him, that I was ready to take very few things, let him have absolutely everything, ask for nothing, and consider a shelter to transition myself. 

He got angry.  He started with the same excuses and blame.  (emphasis on blame)

I asked him what difference any of it made, whether true or not, since it had been the same long string of reasons for over three decades.  I asked him why my feeling so hurt, crumbled, and desperate would make him angry.

He got a bit quiet, and I think he realized… I think he realized how it might look if he was angry when I was so quiet and hurt. 

He said he wasn’t angry.  (He acted like he was.)  He suggested that we take a shower, go to bed and talk and snuggle.

What that sounded like to me was that he needed to throw me some crumbs and give me a bandaid.  Pacify me.

I wondered if he was possibly listening, and if so, what did he hear? 

We were sitting on the bed having this conversation.  It was late, and we were both tired.  I started to want to just go to sleep, and told him I was too tired to take a shower.  He went off to do that, and I started to wash my face, brush my teeth, and crawled under the covers to read my Bible.

That’s when I realized the top blanket was moved off the bed, and was across the room in a pile on something.  He came in just then, and I said that I’d like it back on the bed, and he said, “It’s not completely dry.”

He said our son moved it out of the dryer so he could dry his own clothes, but it wasn’t completely dry.  I was in bed, exhausted, and dully wondering why my husband decided to wash it, and since he was the one who decided to wash it, why he didn’t keep track of it before it was time to go to bed.  But he didn’t.  And I was still having trouble warming up to fall asleep.

I asked him if anything was in the dryer, and could we get it dried now.  And realized he was angry.  He jumped up to take the blanket to the dryer.  I turned out the light, and curled up tight, and eventually dozed off.  Until about 2:40 a.m.  I woke up shivering.  No blanket and he wasn’t in bed.  I walked out to turn on the tea kettle, since drinking hot water soothes me.  He was asleep on the couch.  I woke him and asked him why he was on the couch, and he said, “To dry the blanket since you said you were cold.”

Hm.

I said, “If you were really concerned about my being cold, wouldn’t you put the blanket in the dryer and then come to bed to try to help me warm up while it was drying?  No, I think you were angry.  And when I think about why you were angry, I think you’re an immature, selfish, and spiteful man.”

He went to bed and fell right asleep.  I sat up sipping hot water until about 3:20, but by the time I crawled into bed, I was having some adrenaline and my feet wanted to keep moving under the covers.  I laid awake for the longest, miserable feeling time.

He woke me up around 9:00 and said the tea kettle was ready, and that he was making a special breakfast for me.  (It was quinoa and eggs, and it was good.)  He brought the project updates for a brief meeting, was cheerful in the kitchen, cheerful in the meeting, and hasn’t said a word about last night. 

Such insanity, and I feel like an inmate in a strait jacket of my own making. 

 

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19 Responses to I get cold

  1. lonelywife07 says:

    PJ….do yourself a favor and watch this video…and the many others that are on Youtube from Leslie Vernick….we are hurting ourselves when we let our PA husbands do this to us! God loves US…do you understand that? GOD LOVES US and this is NOT what a marriage is supposed to be about!
    When we enable our husband to treat us this way, WE are just as guilty as they are of sinning…and I’m not doing it anymore!! PA Man is in deep, deep sin, and my being quiet and protecting him is only hurting me…AND him!!!
    https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Kez99hKBJ7U

    You really need to watch her videos, and read her book, The Emotionally Destructive Marriage…I’m halfway though it, and see how wrong I’ve been, hiding his behavior from others and also letting HIS sinful behavior corrupt me into becoming a bitter, resentful woman!
    And yes, like you asked “Does this mean I’m getting more passive aggressive?” According to Leslie, the answer would be Yes, because HIS sin is bringing YOU down!

    I’m prepared to change my life, and my marital status if need be, because I refuse to enable PA Man anymore!!

    Like

    • GainingStrength says:

      Bravo Lonely Wife, BRAVO! I am giving you a standing ovation! 🙂

      I hope this starts a ripple effect. Once you learn about what they are doing to you, it is hard to put the genie back in the bottle. You just can’t take it anymore.

      You wrote “GOD LOVES US and this is NOT what a marriage is supposed to be about!” This is what sent me on the path I’m on now and it’s spelled D.I.V.O.R.C.E. I refuse to be abused anymore. Take a stand ladies, it’s your lives.

      Liked by 1 person

      • lonelywife07 says:

        Thank you, Gaining Strength! I have cried out to God for MONTHS now, asking “What do YOU want from me?? What am I supposed to do??” Well, now I know the answer.
        And I’m going to act…starting now.

        Like

        • GainingStrength says:

          That is great! Once you start do not turn back. I still have those very dark days of fear and doubt when I wonder if I should just give up, but I will not give up I’ve come too far. I will live through the fear and doubt and hopefully on the other side there will be less fear and doubt.

          Good luck and may God bless you with the strength to get through this.

          Liked by 1 person

    • Exodus says:

      Lonely,
      What an awesome video! Thank you so much for sharing the link. Leslie truly has a gift for communicating the truth in a very direct but graceful manner. This is one video that I”m going to bookmark as a daily reminder to honor myself and never doubt the reality of what I endure with my husband.

      You are such an inspiration to me and I’m sure so many others here because of your frankness, honesty and determination. I’m preparing to change my life as well. I will no longer enable PA man anymore!!
      I will no longer refer to him as my husband because he’s not worthy of such a title. If I ‘accidentally’ slip and call him that on this blog please correct me!

      Liked by 1 person

      • lonelywife07 says:

        Exodus….she has several other videos, I posted two of them on my blog, check them out and I just finished reading her book today! It was amazing! I feel so free now!
        I now have a clear understanding of what God wants and expects for and from me!
        So often, in churches today, women are treated like second class citizens and are told to just “suck to up” and read “The Power of a Praying Wife”…yea, whatever!!

        And in response to PJ asking if maybe SHE’S becoming passive aggressive…Here are a few excerpts from The Emotionally Destructive Marriage….

        “…what happens next is that the counselor turns to the wife and encourages her to stop pushing the husband’s buttons. This is a grave counseling error but especially troublesome in cases of controlling abuse. This implies that it is the wife’s responsibility to anticipate and manage her husband’s emotions. It also feeds his craving for unlimited control and endorses his mistaken belief that he gets to make the rules for her to live by.”
        What happens when a woman begins to realize that the marriage she thought she had was just a fantasy?

        “When a woman starts to wake up from her dream of a loving marriage and realizes she is trapped in a nightmare, she feels desperate. She often slides into dark depression. But sooner or later, little by little, she must start to fight and claw her way free from her husband’s oppressive control if she is going to survive…

        Once a woman starts to fight back, her rage and hurt often get expressed in sinful and destructive ways. She may appear irrational, ungodly, unstable, controlling, mean, and even a little crazy to those who don’t know the whole story of what she’s been through and what she lives with.”

        This…THIS is where we are today! WE appear unstable, mean, controlling, etc….!!!
        Well, no more for me! It stops…TODAY!!

        Like

        • Exodus says:

          Lonely, I’ve lost the link to your blog…Please send it to me and I will bookmark it.

          Yes, that’s right Lonely. Don’t give that man power by reacting to him. Rid yourself of bitterness and realize that it’s not your place to carry and manage his bad character. Rise above the adversity that he puts on you and know that it doesn’t mean that you are tolerating it. It just means that you are not going to give it any power anymore. You’re better than that.

          I hate myself when I lose my way and become someone that I am not. I hate that I married a man whose entire goal is to make me angry and unhappy. I try to remain indifferent toward him and not allow him to upset me but when I do that, he tries even harder to bait me into an altercation.

          It’s not only Churches that send the wrong message to women but media as well. I was discussing this very topic with my step sister and her daughters. Take for example the sitcoms that paint men as being immoral, stupid, helpless and unable to establish any fundamental discipline for themselves as man, husband and father. That show, King of Queens is probably one of the worst and it was the reason that I quit watching TV years ago. It’s truly immoral entertainment that adds nothing positive or beneficial to our lives. If I were a man, I would feel insulted by shows like that.

          There are reality shows that paint both men and women as immoral undisciplined floozies and these TV floozies are the only role models for many children in some families.

          Then we have this entirely new culture of young men in schools that expect girls to serve them like prostitutes and girls feeling obligated to do so.

          The American culture is in the toilet and one of the reasons that I want to emigrate to a different country that has a core culture based on core values. I feel as though I’m living in Sodom and Gomorrah.

          Not all Ministers twist scripture to demean women but there’s no doubt that many do and they have caused more harm to women and children because of it.

          Like

          • GainingStrength says:

            Exodus, I can’t watch Everybody Loves Raymond anymore. Talk about PA behavior. The role models on TV and in movies that kids watch today, I fear for the future of our country. When you find that country that has a core culture based on core values, share its location with us. 🙂

            Like

            • Exodus says:

              Yes!! Everybody Loves Raymond was the show that my sis and I were talking about! I can’t watch it either!! It triggers me horribly. When we were discussing this my husband laughed and said, ‘ It’s just TV, its meant to be funny’ My sis let him have a barrel full and so did I.

              I have a fondness for Canada and the people- mostly Nova Scotia and Cape Breton. It is truly G-d’s country. But, I like the water, fishing communities, raw landscapes, cooler weather and lots of traditional music. I love dancing too. People don’t even lock their doors, everyone is pleasant, no one judges, everyone helps each other out and they are grounded in their Faith and their music culture. If you ever get a chance, you should go visit. It’s magnificent. I also like France and Wales for the same reason. No country is perfect but America is truly on it’s way down at a rather rapid pace. Living in this country reminds me of living with my PA man. It goes against my spiritual beliefs. It’s just too violent, too greedy ( we even have a show called American Greed!) All of my dearest friends left in 2010. My dearest friend and her husband were so desperate to leave that they purchased a house online in Yarmouth, Nova Scotia before they even saw it and moved there a month later. They LOVE it!! Another friend moved to Point Roberts, Washington so he could be close to Vancouver and another friend and her husband left for Panama and another to Spain and they LOVE Spain!! I wish I had left too. I’ve been applying for citizenship in Canada for about a year now. It’s not easy to get in to other countries now. Unlike America, they have immigration reform…..hahahah
              America has no core culture unless you’re an American Indian but we kinda sorta destroyed their culture. We don’t even have a dominant language anymore and what’s left of our ABC’s has been obliterated and replaced with lazy trendy bumper-sticker rhetoric.

              Like

              • Seeing the Light says:

                Exodus, you said it in a nutshell: “I hate that I married a man whose entire goal is to make me angry and unhappy.” I wish he would have worked this into his wedding vows or his proposal somehow so I would have known what was coming. I can’t even find the words for how messed up this is.

                Your comments on the media and the culture and the direction this country is going express my own thoughts and feelings. (I used to watch both of those television programs and they are so damaging). What do we have left to leave to the children? My kids talk about leaving this country when they grow up and I’ll be happy to go with them, if they will have me.

                Like

                • Exodus says:

                  If you can afford it, you should try to travel to other countries with your kids. My sis and her husband have been doing this two times a year for last 3 years because they realize that their daughters are most likely going to have to move overseas in order to find work and a happy life. They also have exchange students stay with them from other countries as well. Unfortunately, America’s idea of capitalism just won’t sustain us anymore. It’s amazing how happy people are when they leave here – less stress, less hours worked, more holidays, paid sick leave, paid medical care, more family time. but we are a nation of pitbulls that prides itself on being pumped up and ready to buy more expensive junk. We put more emphasis on consumerism than quality of life which doesn’t appeal to me in the least bit.
                  Ideally, I would love to move to Denmark because it’s the happiest place on the planet but I’m not sure what I would do there.

                  Like

                  • lonelywife07 says:

                    Exodus. I was in St Maarten in May and I fell in love! If I could I’d pack up and move there ASAP! The people were so kind…and I loved walking along the beach..it felt like all my worries melted away…and PA Man was walking right beside me! LOL!

                    Like

                    • Exodus says:

                      St. Maarten is a wonderful place. A friend and former coworker moved there with his wife and opened a zoo! Did you visit a zoo while you were there? My only hesitation with moving that far south are the hurricanes. I have enough anxiety from hurricanes where I live now! I have friends in Australia as well and they are always trying to get me to move there but I’m not sure that I would be happy in a place where people ate cold turkey salads for Christmas.

                      Like

          • lonelywife07 says:

            Exodus….if you click on my name it should take you to my blog…but here it is, just in case it doesn’t 🙂 http://marriedtoapaman.wordpress.com

            Like

    • Seeing the Light says:

      Lonelywife, you are an inspiration and I love hearing your fire! I can’t add much the other women haven’t already said, so I will just add my voice and in GainingStrength’s words, “BRAVO!”

      Like

  2. newshoes says:

    PJ, that could have been my household…. these pa men, they are so unpredictably predictable!!! Of course after you got mad at him and told him what not, he was perfectly happy and sleepy because he let off his negative energy onto you. Slam dunk!! He’ll be fine for days now, he got the reaction he wanted out of you, validating what he thinks, you’re crazy. See how that works. Sweetie, you have to stop falling for these things and just don’t bother, don’t bite the bait, don’t pass go and don’t collect 200$. Watch him squirm and try other things, more subtle things and get mad, and then BINGO, you’ll see the real pa man. And by the way, you are making progress, are you kidding!!! You’ve been putting yourself out there, telling your story and getting it off your chest. This is pretty big and I’m sure that only the first step. Don’t worry about how long, how fast your progress is, you’ll get there when you get there. We all rooting for you aren’t we girls?!

    The other ladies: WOW!! so proud of all of you. I’m going to watch that video too 😀 thanks for sharing.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Seeing the Light says:

    I wanted to add to newshoes’s encouragement about making progress. I have seen a terrific graphic on Facebook that I think was originally aimed at healing from PTSD. I apply it to all kinds of healing/making progress from abuse and trauma. It has two pictures. The one of the left is of an arrow like on a graph going up and to the right diagonally completely straight. The caption is how we think healing will be or should be. The picture on the right starts and ends the same as the left, but in the middle of the arrow is a garbled-up mess of scribbling all over the place – up and down, left and right. The caption is the reality of how healing takes place. This has been such a comfort to me on bad days and setbacks and when I screw up an interaction with him that I should have handled better because I knew better. Just keep getting back up again and learn from your mistakes. This isn’t something any of us should be good at naturally. We are having to learn something that we never bargained for and it is hard!

    Like

    • Exodus says:

      I have severe PTSD and I’ve tried numerous therapies including EMDR, yoga, acupuncture, biofeedback and of course, my Bach Rescue Remedy. I get the best results from acupuncture when I make the effort to go on a regular basis. I see results after one session but I have a lot of work to do!

      Healing doesn’t happen overnight and neither did our abuse. The important thing is to just stay in a state of progress, even if it’s doing one little thing a day that is good for us. Eating well and exercising are most important because if we don’t feel physically well, then we tend to lose a positive attitude about life in general.

      Like

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