There are many good sayings and quotes about time.
“You may delay, but time will not.” Benjamin Franklin
A poster (lonelywife) recently commented: “But why do you stay? Why stay with a man who has so demoralized you that you have to MAKE yourself go shopping? Sorry…but I don’t understand. “
“I wasted time, and now doth time waste me.” William Shakespeare
Let me try to explain. I see my life as a series of choices, my choices. Yes, events happened outside of my sphere of control/choice, but within each event, I still retained choices. Sometimes, my choice was reduced to processing and perspective; e.g. when my father died of cancer, it was far too soon for my emotions. When one of my sons was hit by a car, I couldn’t undo what happened, but I had choices moment by moment that involved processing and perspective.
This means that our choices are generally made by what we individually know at any given place in time. We can’t know what we don’t yet know. When we know better, we try to do better.
How many women come to a wakening moment in their marriage that their husband is abusive, and begin the journey of pros and cons, dancing between questions and doubts, confusion and clarity? When they do, it sets old and new choices into light and motion. Perhaps some of those choices were always there. Maybe some of the choices that were there before, no longer exist because of sabotage. It could be that circumstances have changed and new factors have emerged that will either alter the ramifications of a choice, or cause it to no longer be viable.
Illness, disease, disability, dependents etc., are all examples of new factors to weigh. (In my case, it’s been dependents, faith, personal history, finances, and now it’s mainly some very serious health issues that I yet hope to alter and not end up disabled.)
It would take time to explain the details, the progression, the slow erosion, and the full facets of why I stayed, or why I’m still here. (It might take a blog.) I think the important thing is the word ‘understand’. We may not understand the choices another makes, but it’s my hope that this blog will be a place to discuss them, and reserve judgment.
If we each looked into a room from different doorways, we would each see a different view, and hold a different perspective when describing the room. I’ve lived long enough to experience myself shifting from ‘I know exactly how I feel about A,B,C, and I know I’d do exactly X,Y,Z if that happened.’ Yeah, not so much when reality happened. Time and some key altering moments changed that. It’s a good change based on deeper understanding that moves closer to truth. It was from the dark places of unforeseen raw wounds that grace began to grow within my soul.
Here, as a form of accountability to self, I lay bare the incidents, events, moments, and history that I’d previously allowed to be shrouded in a foggy kind of shallow grave for too many years. The fog was not all of my choosing, although some of my defense and coping mechanisms appeared more like choices than perhaps they were. I began this blog as a measure of self-discipline and to be a catalyst for self-growth. I had no idea anyone would find it, and become an integral part of the journey.
I continue it because of words like these:
“I’m not sure how long ago you wrote this blog- but If God had you share for only one purpose it was for me to read it. I cried through most of it- nodding my head up and down as if someone somewhere not only “got it” but lived the life I live with a passive aggressive husband. Things you can’t explain or comprehend unless it is you on the receiving end of the madness.” (Christine)
I wish for Christine, and all of us, to not feel quite so alone from here forward. It’s an almost inexplicable comfort to simply be truly understood. Such understanding can be the foundation for new strength and hope.