Raising kids in the fog of abuse

Nothing cheerful or hopeful or strong here in this post.   Sooner or later, I’ll force myself to respond to my own thoughts below, and choose the healthiest and strongest perspective to frame them in. In this moment, I want to keep it real, and the truth is that waking up can be brutal, slow, and painful.

After years of marriage and sharing the parenting of several children with a passive aggressive husband/father, the hindsight that comes intermittently can feel dispassionately merciless at times, can feel ‘too late’. It’s a clarity that blows fog away in patches. Sometimes just for moments, and you try to grasp it again (but often you’re too tired to pursue it). Sometimes, it’s as though you were lost and trying to make your way through fog blindly, afraid of a misstep in the confusion. Sometimes, you wake up from a fall, and when the fog clears you find that you landed on the ledge of a cliff, not seeing a way up or down safely.  It’s a time of sifting and processing my way out of the fog, but always wanting to take the path of least harm to my kids.

Sometimes when I hear the past recollected from the perspective of one of my now young adult kids, I want to sink to the ground quietly and say, “You don’t understand…” 

Of course, they don’t. Not really. It’s their father, and their memories were embedded from the perspective of a young child.

They love him.  Didn’t I love my father, even though he was emotionally and verbally abusive to my mother?  Didn’t I see my mother’s faults and weaknesses and mistakes, and ‘wanting to be fair’, not understand what I was seeing in my parent’s marriage and relationship? Didn’t I always want my own children’s father to love them, and for them to have the best father possible?  Possible is a loaded word. 

You can even possibly be seen as the bad parent.  No matter what you thought you were doing to hold things together, and to protect your kids by protecting their ‘family’. 

Stupid, stupid, stupid.

In all the ways that I consciously and unconsciously coped, did I reckon with my kids growing up to see me as misguided, weak, dependent, reactive, and depressed?  Did I assume they’d somehow understand what it cost to try to do what I thought was the right thing?  Did I realize that my kids would grow up to see their father as the hard worker, the bread winner, not the power over me by his intent, but as the poor dad struggling so hard to make a living for all of us, the funny, great, be there for them, dad despite the dependent depressed wife/mother?  They even attribute having great music to him, from listening to CD’s that I bought and he ‘took over’.  

I was just so stupid.  Using my energy to keep trying, keep hoping, keep running around and around that damn wheel that just left me drained and reactive.  In the process of using my energy to survive being diminished and weakened in the hidden and invisible ways that come from a passive aggressive partner,  I must have stuck my proverbial head in the sand in a naive, obtuse desperation, wanting to believe that ultimately my kids would see past the surface, see the heart of things, and the heart of me.

No, that doesn’t always happen.  And then it’s done, and you don’t get to go back and do it over.

I grew up with my parents and didn’t understand things until year by year by year as an adult, I gained experience and insight.  The father who was overtly abusive, emotionally and verbally, to my mother, was also a good father to me in certain ways.  I loved (love) my father.  I think I’m still learning to understand.  I think of my mother the most often, and when a fresh understanding hits me, I quietly look off to where she might be, and say, “Oh, Mom… I think I understand now.  I’m so sorry I didn’t when you were here.”  I miss her the most. 

Every time I read comments from a victim of an adult partner with a personality/character disorder, and references are made to the ‘kind’ of mother/father their abusive partner came from, I want to say that there can also be moms that try their best, and love with all their heartbeats, and still obviously make critical mistakes.  Oh, the stupidity of good intentions, blind misplaced faith and hope.  

Some days, I feel hopeful, and crawl forward.  Some days, I feel crushed under the enormity of my mistakes and how it impacted each of my kids. Each mistake or misstep they make, is examined in the light of possible self-recrimination.  Their strengths are more easily attributed to all the good you see in each of them.

Each day and each moment, I keep trying to do better, while feeling grossly inadequate and unequipped to climb the mountain in front of me.  While you’re trying to crawl forward or take another baby step, you also deal with the bewildered horror of sometimes not even knowing who you are anymore. 

Through the blur, I wondered if I was alone or if other parents felt the same way I did – that everything involving our children was painful in some way. The emotions, whether they were joy, sorrow, love or pride, were so deep and sharp that in the end they left you raw, exposed and yes, in pain. The human heart was not designed to beat outside the human body and yet, each child represented just that – a parent’s heart bared, beating forever outside its chest.” Debra Ginsberg

 

 

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25 Responses to Raising kids in the fog of abuse

  1. GainingStrength says:

    PJ, I understand your entire post. It saddens me and brings me to tears, because I lived all of what you wrote. My heart goes out to you and I can only ask God to wrap you in His arms and you feel loved and protected.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Same here, PJs. Ditto to most of your post. I share GainingStrength’s reaction.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Exodus says:

    Of course there are good parents out there who are in difficult situations. No parent gets everything right all the time and many make the best of life and reap much joy even during times of adversity. I grew up around severe poverty and watched families struggle with all sorts of horrible issues but I was always struck by how the family bond seemed to sustain them through the worst. The parents seemed to understand that character doesn’t have to be defined by anyone’s circumstances and they raised their children to be decent happy ladies and gentlemen with a backbone.

    Abusive environments are different though because it’s not about bad circumstances as much as it is about repetitive harmful behavior and all the mixed messages that are constantly being transmitted between everyone in the home. The very foundation of a family’s value system is destroyed when members of families adapt by assuming roles just to cope with and manage other people’s behaviors. It’s emotional and mental chaos all the time and everyone is working double time to create some level of harmony.

    I’m still discovering how my parents harmful behavior affected me. I think that for me, the most damage was caused by my mother teaching me one thing and then modeling something entirely different. How was I supposed to learn how to apply all those good values and ethics and morals to my own life while growing up in a very unhappy, sometimes violent, always emotionally-charged dysfunctional environment that revolved around my parents and their issues. I never once saw my parents work together to problem solve or make amends or apologize. Their drama consumed all the oxygen in the house and It was left up to me to manage their marriage by forcing them in some way to behave themselves and conduct themselves in a manner that was tolerable so that my brother and I could eat, sleep and concentrate in school. I never had a home that wasn’t full of resentments and I have hardly a single good memory that isn’t more or less stained with underlying resentment. Everything gets stained when people don’t show up in our lives whole and happy. My parents resented each other, my mother resented her parents and by the time I was 16, I resented the heck out of having to care for and protect my brother all those years. I never had a worry-free moment that I could devote to myself to sit and relax, drink a Nehi and examine myself, my own dreams, my own talents or anything else. I just grabbed life’s gusto by the fist fulls ( or by the 6 pack) when I could but it wasn’t enough to sustain me and help me develop a strong and consistent sense of self.

    At age 53, married to Norman, I realize that I’ve been applying all the wrong values to my relationships. I shouldn’t be with any man that I need to manage but It’s what I have always done and now I have to change things up and start all over by applying the good values that I learned from my mother in the right way. It’s exhausting to even imagine taking on this challenge at my age. I’m tired, I’m fed up and actually, I am very tempted to throw in the towel. But, something keeps pushing me and as long as it continues to do so, I’ll keep inching my way through life.

    Liked by 1 person

    • newshoes123 says:

      Exactly Exodus – as parents and partners to abusive men, we manage. We manage the pa and we manage their reaction, and we manage how they deal with other members of the family and we manage the finances, and we manage the whole household workings. No wonder we can only do the best with what we are dealt with.
      You don’t have to continue managing Exodus, the first person who should be able to manage you is you and only you. I unfortunately threw in the towel but I know I’m gonna be better for it. A better person, a better mother, a better friend, a better co-worker. Because I won’t have to manage the pa anymore.

      Like

  4. RockyRoad says:

    PJ as parents, I think we all do the best we can in the moment. Don’t they say children remember the moments rather than that fabulous (expensive) vacation? You recently wrote: “My daughters stuck to me like glue. They chattered. They hugged me. They encouraged me. They were calm and supportive and practical and steady. They made me laugh through the absolute nightmare of trying to find new bras. ….. They told me I was brave, and said they were proud of me.” I think that is one of those “moments”!

    You wrote: “In the process of using my energy to survive being diminished and weakened in the hidden and invisible ways that come from a passive aggressive partner, I must have stuck my proverbial head in the sand in a naive, obtuse desperation, wanting to believe that ultimately my kids would see past the surface, see the heart of things, and the heart of me.” I’m sure you try to protect your children from the pain of PA and the farce of your marriage, at the same time thinking they can ‘see’ the abuse with their own eyes, but as you have come to understand, they are still children looking at their father. It’s the same misguided observation as the outsiders looking in and don’t understand. Yes, even though they have lived under the same roof and you would think they witness the gaslighting events that have worn you down, they are witness to it from a completely different perspective. I think it’s similar to the same thinking we have of our parents that we don’t understand until we become parents ourselves…then we have our ‘aha’ moments of clarity. Please don’t beat yourself up PJ! As parents, we all contribute to screwing up our kids in some form or another! 🙂

    My kids have also witnessed the crazy-making after-effect of their PA father with me, and also directly been effected in their interactions with him. But it’s like we have all said here, reading the books on PA is one thing… it’s quite another to live it. I’ve often wondered what story my kids will have to tell in their adult years, and I would rather it be memories of me standing up for myself rather than just laying down and being bull-dozed into submission, even if they have witnessed some very pointless, stupid arguments. In the end, they still come to me for emotional support because they know when they try to have the most basic conversation with their dad, it feels more like a lecture to them. They don’t turn to him for emotional support for the same reasons that I don’t…he is still a 10 year old boy emotionally.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. WritesinPJ's says:

    “I would rather it be memories of me standing up for myself” RockyRoad, this is the me my younger daughters know. The older kids had a different experience.

    “It’s the same misguided observation as the outsiders looking in and don’t understand. Yes, even though they have lived under the same roof and you would think they witness the gaslighting events that have worn you down, they are witness to it from a completely different perspective.”
    What a costly lesson.

    Thanks for the encouragement and understanding.

    Like

  6. ChickenLadyMovedToTown says:

    You are the one-the parent-that has always been there, no matter what! The kids most generally approach you first with their needs. You are steadfast and predictable, and the kids know they can always count on you. You’ve always had the right answers. In the case an answer wasn’t readily available, you encouraged, prompted, or, toiled right along with the kids until resolution could be found. You’ve always made yourself available regardless of the hour-day or night. You pushed ahead after sleepless nights, skipped many meals, done without proper clothes, and denied your own life’s desires through putting the needs of others first.

    Who could dare find fault in such tremendous love and sacrifice?

    Like

  7. GainingStrength says:

    My abuser had such a huge impact on my kids.

    “Did I realize that my kids would grow up to see their father as the hard worker, the bread winner, not the power over me by his intent, but as the poor dad struggling so hard to make a living for all of us, the funny, great, be there for them, dad despite the dependent depressed wife/mother?” I feel this is how they see their parents’ roles.

    I think this is how my oldest child views her mother and father. My youngest is hurting trying to maintain loving relationships with us both. My abuser plays the victim very well. Poor him, look what he had to put up with. It doesn’t matter he was the cause of the chaos, no no it’s just poor him. He has the look of hurt confusion down to an art. If only others could see the cold, hard, hate filled looks he has shown me. How do you tell your children this and they believe you? They’ve never seen that look, they’ve never heard the pure cruelty he hurls at me, they’ve never experienced being invisible. They just remember mom angry and dad sitting back calmly trying to put up with me. He will live his life as usual because I don’t believe he cares about a deep relationship with his kids, his relationships with them are all surface. What can they do for him? What can he do for them that makes him look good? Things get too emotional and he’s out of there. Will they ever see him for who he is? I don’t know. I’m not wanting them to disown him, I just want them to know and understand the truth about our marriage.

    The spotlight always seems to be focused on his truths. They are the easiest to believe. Mom has an anger issue and dad suffers quietly through it is easier to believe than dad purposely hurts mom and tears her down so she doesn’t exist. It took me decades to realize he enjoyed hurting me and I know that my kids may never realize this truth. They see me as the weak link when in fact looking back I probably am the strongest link. I did so much that was never acknowledged or let him take credit for it. Sometimes you want to shout at them “you don’t know him, look at him!”, but in the end you know it will take time for understanding to come to them…if it ever does. In the meantime, you just bite your tongue, accept where they are in understanding and pray for the strength to keep going. Sometimes I just want to pack very little and disappear. But you can’t do that…can you?

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  8. lonelywife07 says:

    Other than my youngest son…all three of my boys and my daughter in law are well aware of what and who their dad is…..I guess PA Man having the emotional affair really DID help me! Wow! Isn’t THAT a weird way of looking at it??
    But it’s the truth….and they all saw how he acted afterwards….going to three counseling sessions and then refusing to go anymore, even though I asked him repeatedly…ignoring them, and acting like a child when he didn’t get his way….walking around whistling like he had no cares in the world, when it was evident that I had been crying…yep…they’ve seen the extreme selfishness themselves! Heck…two of my boys have asked me why I don’t make him move out!!
    And come to think of it….even my youngest son sees it…He always comes to me when he has a question…and when I tell him to ask his dad, he refuses, telling me “dad doesn’t care and is grumpy all the time, you listen to me, Mom” So yeah…I guess he does see it!

    PJ…one day your kids will understand…I really believe that!! And remember…none of us are perfect parents! So don’t worry over what you can’t change….but do start changing what you CAN!!!!
    Don’t look at your past…start looking at your future! Change begins TODAY…for ALL of us!!

    Like

  9. Two brief thoughts (and by the way, I fret about this topic myself): without the schmucky husbands, our children wouldn’t be alive; and if we could have changed our husbands’ behavior, we would have.

    Like

  10. Christine says:

    Again- you are writing the life I live. My very words in prayer today were over what you posted about.
    How is it that we get viewed as angry- the dad the hard worker just quietly trying to stay out of moms way?

    My kids have all been hurt equally by him- ignoring them, not following through on important promises- and yet I always stepped in and gave the extra attention, kept his promise to them, even if it meant I had to take a son fishing or hunting because he forgot or bailed or gave 1000 excuses as to why he couldn’t take our son. I think the lasting memory may have been if we as mothers had just stood back and let the PA man drop the ball and NOT have picked it up time and after time. The kids- mine at least have to be reminded of certain things when the older ones decided to fuss as me for not being kind to their dad.
    It may be he is pouting over something insane- has made my day hell- they come in, catch the cold chill in the air around us, he instantly begins speaking to them, I’ve stood back and watched him give his “I’m so tired” speeches and he hasn’t moved from the TV- but kids don’t see that unless they need DAD to move and he won’t- the fact that I did move hell and high water and did what dad wouldn’t- they just remember getting to do it- I’ve been much more blunt with my kids the past two years- if they want to comment on something they are not in the house long enough to see (gas lighting) is a perfect example- then they need to hear what and why or hang around long enough to see him throw a fit when he doesn’t get his way-
    When they say I’m angry- I admit it. I’m mad as hell! This isn’t what I knowingly said the words “I DO” too…. Much less till death do us part!
    With our teenagers he says yes to anything I say No too- so he being as irrisponsible as a teenager will allow them to do things that I have clear rules about.
    When I make him back me up- he does this too in a way where he goes and tells the kid NO- but then privately adds I’m being ridiculous, but he doesn’t want to argue with me- so he has to tell them no!
    Of course they can’t see that even that is using me and them to NOT be responsible. When he did this last, over rode a direct NO to my teenager and allowed him to drive somewhere late at night, my child had a wreck- even then my pa husband said it wasn’t his fault… When I went nuts yelling that I had said NO- and you let him go anyway- he shrugged it off and felt no remotes eat all.
    The kids won’t get it until they are older in life- they will never get it living at home-
    My oldest loves his dad- but he sees the excuses now, the laziness and the broken promises- the kids of PA people are looking hard for something to honor in their parent- most of them can come away with nothing more than he was or is a hard worker…. They ain’t got nothing else. Defending him with you is easier for the kids than really looking at the kind of dad they have- I have one child who his man let down more than our others out together- this kid is my PA husbands biggest defender with me.
    I decided to let them have that view- because the truth one day- when he misses a wedding or the birth of a grandchild or ends up with another partner and goes years without calling his kids (and he will) that is going to be the hard part- and they will eventually understand- but I don’t “clean up” any of his messes with the kids anymore- if he tells them
    Something and doesn’t follow through-
    I don’t do it for him as I did for years.

    Liked by 1 person

    • lonelywife07 says:

      Good for you. Christine! Let them see with their own eyes how their father is, I don’t protect PA Man anymore either!

      Like

      • newshoes123 says:

        It’s hard to do though Lonely I must say, as mothers we want to protect our little birds… Took me years to let it happen.

        Like

        • lonelywife07 says:

          I understand…it’s in our nature to protect our children..and it’s hard to wrap your head around the fact that we have to protect them from their OWN FATHER!!!!
          I think when they’re younger it’s best to do so…but as they enter their teen years, we need to let them know, slowly, that their father is PA and then help them cope with it…
          My 14 yr old now sees it…I didn’t realize it until recently though, after he told me, when I suggested he ask his dad about something…can’t remember what it was….Anyway, he stated that I run the house and that his dad is always grumpy, so he didn’t want to ask him.
          Out of the mouth of babes….

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          • newshoes123 says:

            I hesitate to tell the kids what this is just yet, I feel they’ve been damaged enough already and I just really want them to have some peace and quiet just for a little while. Plus I still carry the shame of “letting” him treat them like crap…. even though most of the time I did step in to protect them, he still was able to get to them when I wasn’t looking… I should have known better of course.

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    • GainingStrength says:

      Christine, my oldest child is like him. Everyone else is to blame, but not her. The crazy excuses, the silent treatment, the blame, etc. I see it in her and I feel there is nothing I can do. She is entitled just like her father, she wants to be taken care of just like him. My other child is her victim, I should say one of her victims she has quite a few of them. She lives far from me and I don’t communicate with her often because of a blow-up we had a couple years back. I apologized, she accepted…BUT yep it’s still my fault and she just doesn’t understand how I could…banging my head against the proverbial wall. I quit banging my head against that wall, I can’t deal with two of them at once. She blames me instead of taking responsibility for her part in the blow-up. She did nothing wrong, because if so-and-so hadn’t said or done what they did then she wouldn’t have done what she did and it goes on and on and on. Eventually the truth comes out…it was somebody else’s fault, not hers!

      Be aware how one kid treats the other. I didn’t see it with my child until I saw it in my husband. Once understanding came I saw what was happening and it sadden my heart. Will he ever change? No. Will she ever change? I hope so, I truly hope so.

      Like

      • Christine says:

        Gaining strength- I have one child who has the tendencies… It’s hard. This child is successful,
        Kind, extremely smart and yet can cycle between top of the world when life is going their way to shut down when it’s not- blaming others and waiting around for someone to take pity and FIX whatever the situation is.
        Fortunately, I saw this begin during those teenage years and began pulling back and refusing to fix the issue whatever it may have been.
        During this kids college years there were many one am phone calls attempting to dump a problem into my lap. It wasn’t until this kid had to temporarily move home between graduating and going to work that I felt truly double teamed by my
        Child and my PA husband……
        I stood my ground- basically told this child that I had given them everything they needed to be secure, successful and responsible… What they did with the life lessons was now up to them- that until they could OWN their failures the way they had no trouble owning their successes- their life would be less than it was meant to be.
        We argued- they said hurtful things attempting to blame- sounded so much like their dad that it was out of my mouth before I could check myself…. I simply told them how shocked I was that they chose their dads attitude in life after being able to see where those choices landed him.
        I gave this child instance after instance of similarities between their actions and attitude and their dads. This child who is in their 20s tried to shut down and walk off as well- I pointed that out as they were doing it and said as I was given the silent treatment “You even pout like him- so if your not talking, I will have peace until you decide to start blaming again-
        So please pout until your heart is content- but it won’t ever be content, until you make peace with yourself and admit your own issues and own your own mistakes”
        This brought my kid up short.
        It took a few days for the “attempting to be helpful and sweet” started-
        Just like my PA husband does.
        Only I pointed this out too- by saying “I appreciate your being helpful, but until your ready to talk about the conversation you walked away from, stop trying to make it better by doing the dishes or sweeping the floor… This too is exactly what you have watched your father do for years- it’s another action just exactly like his”
        My child got offended- blamed me- of course they were just being helpful. I pointed out how much her response and misplaced anger was like his.
        It was a rough few months…. I didn’t let it to- the grown kid tried every trick to avoid and at one point I recall saying that my PA husband was the master of this behavior- I could anticipate the kids next move like child play.
        Finally- an issue had to be dealt with and when the conversation started I cut off each and every attempt of the blame being placed on me….. I would love to say the kid owned their own stuff… But they at least acknowledged it and with no where to lay the blame they had to keep carrying it.
        That’s the trick- with someone young if you see the behavior you can refuse the weight and guilt of the blame- my PA husband was trained my his mother to BLAME and encouraged to never own anything- her favorite words are “that’s not my fault” and she told her kids all of their lives that things were not their fault- she even encouraged one grown son to NOT pay child support. So to have a mother that says NO ITS YOUR PROBLEM or yes… It’s your fault- helps the kid to see the behavior.
        Once this one child of mine saw that blaming and not owning their own stuff got no where with me- they honestly had to get better at dealing with their own problems- I even informed this kid that since suddenly they “related or understood” their father so well, “then that needed to be who they went to with their problems and not me” I even added . “But wait- you can’t do that can you? Because life has taught you that while he will SAY whatever you want to hear and make you feel right and entitled to your anger-regardless of how petty or wrong you are- he may tell you how you have a right to FEEL the way you do- but he won’t step up and do anything else to make it better for you will he?”
        I told my child they were wrong, their feelings were misplaced- they had not been wronged and had no RIGHT to feel the way they were feeling- it was petty and Passive Agressive and built up in their head to be more than it even was and that if they wanted justification for being wrong, then by all means go to dad- but understanding in doing so that they understood and accepted that they were being LIKE him and needed the excuses he gave to them more than they wanted the right advice that I was giving which would make them OWN their own behavior.
        It was an eye opener for my basically grown child. This one will battle the tendacies but I refuse and I mean refuse to encourage it in anyway.

        I don’t mind doing this with my kids if needed- tough love is ok sometimes- I resent doing the mothering and teaching and raising of my grown up husband- it’s the mama role he demands I fill for him that makes me nuts.

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    • newshoes123 says:

      Same here Christine, I figure pa man can fight his own battles with the kids now and my oldest knows everything, he even thought we would be divorced years before. He pacifies him just to get him off his back and sometimes he fights back and I’m hoping he’ll do more of the fighting back from now on. Leaving is probably the best decision I will ever make for the boys.

      Like

  11. newshoes123 says:

    It’s hard to keep your family together in a marriage that there is no real togetherness between the parents. Especially when you have 2 different styles of parenting and one is parenting more acceptingly and the other is parenting passive aggressively. There was him and there was me. I can honestly say that the kids were our greatest source of major fights.

    I can’t say that he wasn’t a good father at times but more often than not, he was the instigator due to his “bitching sessions” about this that and the other thing (often meaningless stuff like forget to take out the trash) about what this kid or what that kid did. Then I would have to action something with that kid to make amends for something that I didn’t even think was a big deal so I would end up being the “mean” parent doing all of the discipline and all this to protect said kid from the rath of his father because if he got mad, he got pissed roaring mad…. I can’t tell you how many times, after I had to scold one kid or another I would go hide in the bathroom and cry because I didn’t agree with it and even after I had scolded said kid, he would go to the child and scold him (we all understand here that it’s harshly) again worse than me. And it looked like it was because I had started right, they never saw that he instigated the whole thing. In the beginning I would let him do that himself but once I saw how nasty he could get, to try to protect them I took on both the role of mother and nurturer and then father and discipliner… It was so difficult, my heart breaks everytime I think about events that were so out of control because the poor child didn’t understand where all this came from – I felt like a s&^t….still do, I’ve apologized of course for my role and I don’t do it anymore which he hates but I don’t care, if he has something to say to them, I listen in but I do not get involved unless it gets out of control, then I tell him to back off. Plain and simple. At some point the boys will realize that I was never the “mean” parent, at least I hope.
    I have horrible guilt for what they went through, all of them carry the burden of having been raised by 2 different parents and the abuse that happened in the marriage and against them. I often had to come between them which must have been so much more confusing to them than having to deal with only one partner and I mistakenly thought that having the two of us show a united front would help to raise great kids, however I just messed them up more (all 3 have a very different aspects on relationship and none of it is good – one is like me – let’s everyone step all over him, the other is a very explosive person and the other wants nothing to do with anyone) and I know that I’m only one half of the equation here but I think as a mother, that guilt is carried more profoundly.
    I’m hoping that by leaving this environment, they will have a chance at healing and potentially learning what a loving relationship is that it will rub off on them. One can hope, in the meantime I’m working through my guilt.

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  12. Exodus says:

    PJ’s, don’t have much time to write today as I’m packing as fast as I can and not having a good day. I wanted to post a link to this song for you over a month ago and forgot about it until today when I was listening to the CD. The very first time I heard this, I was driving to my ‘retreat’ destination that weekend a few weeks ago. I was floored. It was as if the universe was reading my mind. I think every woman on this blog will relate to this song: ( great inspirational CD btw)

    Natalie Merchant ” Ladybird” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ta4rHfgxarI

    LADYBIRD
    Words & Music Natalie Merchant / Indian Love Bride © 2013 ASCAP
    Hey, Ladybird, ain’t it just the way,

    the way that love grows cold and then fades away?

    Now when he touches you, make no mistake,
    
the fire’s long gone out and the ash has blown away.

    You don’t know how to leave
    and you don’t know where to fly.

    You don’t know what you feel

    but you know it’s not satisfied today.

    So many little ones, so many mouths,

    you’ve got a lot to feed and you know you don’t know how.

    Making the best of it, somehow you’re making do,

    making the best of the days that you stay 

    and you wait in this cage they made for you.

    You don’t know how to leave

    and you don’t know where to fly.

    You’ve got a lot of things to lose, 

    so you’ve got a lot of things to hide.

    You know you don’t believe
    
but you know you’ve got to try today.

    You know the sweetest wine, it’s a witches’ brew,

    pours like honey down and then burns a hole in you.

    Yeah, you may think you’re done but you’re never through

    spitting out the bitterness to get the little sweetness you do.

    You don’t know how to leave
    
and you don’t know where to fly.

    You’ve got a lot of things to lose, 

    so you’ve got a lot of things to hide.
    
You don’t know what you feel

    but you know it’s not satisfied.

    You know you don’t believe
    
but you know you’ve got to try today.

    Feel the winter bitterness;
    
it’s heavy on the wind,

    coming back again.



    Maybe it’s time to fly, time to fly away! 

    When you gonna spread your wings and fly?
    When you gonna fly away?

    When you gonna fly away?

    Liked by 3 people

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