Last night I said no

Last night was not a stellar night for our relationship.  Brushing my teeth and getting ready for bed, my husband suddenly wanted to be intimate, and I flatly expressed zero interest.  In all these years, his expressing a desire to make love was what I longed for.  To be wanted.  Not to mention that I was always a sensual person, and so there are literally years of my life when I’d be so physically frustrated, unable to sleep, holding back tears and wondering why and how I was living in such a lonely, painful marriage.

I probably had at least a normal, if not above average, libido.  When we were young, and after a typical many weeks of no intimacy, I was arguing with him about why we didn’t have sex, and practically begging him to figure it out so we could, and he accused me of being a nymphomaniac.  It almost makes me laugh now.  Almost.  He could have been one of the most sexually satisfied men on the planet for all those years.  I was that wife, the one who would have catered to him.

About a week ago, we did have sex.  We were going to bed and he was being sweet, expressing that he wanted it, and I’d had that extra glass of wine, and it happened.  As it can be with him when he’s in the right mood, it was great, but I realized the next morning that for me it had been just sex.  Really good, but not making love.

Wow. What I would have given for all those years to have just great sex with him.  Or just sex.  But it was years  that were always weeks and months of him withholding sex and affection. 

Last night, there was no extra glass of wine.  I was tired and relaxed, and wanted to sleep.  We’d just watched a movie with our daughters.  There was no special touching my arm or neck or sweetness of affection during the movie, or during the day for that matter.  Just our normal getting along roommate kind of selves.  Now suddenly sex?

I don’t think so.  I didn’t last night either, and bluntly said so.  Only I said more.  I told him that all those years when I’d be wracked with a tortured kind of wondering if he was off taking care of his sexual need (because that meant not even a shred of possibility of my physical longing being satisfied) were over and gone, that I didn’t care anymore.  I just didn’t care.  I told him that I wasn’t  that woman anymore, wasn’t the woman who was interested and longing and available like I was for all those YEARS.  Because my physical needs are not as intense or ever present as those years.  I told him I was glad that getting older meant I was feeling less physical need.  Over three decades of available and affectionate.  Now?  I told him that he better not get upset about it, since for all those YEARS it worked out for him to withhold sex from me and take care of his own needs when I was practically begging for intimacy.  Just carry on.  Do whatever you’ve been doing, because I’m not interested. 

He said that made him sad.  He said he didn’t want to give up.  He said he still believed things could be different for us.That’s when I felt angry.  Did he say that?  Too freaking bad.  I don’t feel sad or bad if he actually feels sad.   I heard myself saying those words to him last night, and although I was too tired to know that I was angry, I’m pretty sure that there was a dormant volcano of anger there.  It surprises me that it surprised me.

When I woke up this morning, I didn’t even think about the conversation from bedtime until I sat down to blog.  Even then, I was still only thinking that I should blog about the alarm clock, because it’s a good example of one of those strange little things that passive aggressive men can do to control, sabotage, and frustrate.  I was part way into that post before I even remembered the rest.

Okay.  I guess I do feel sad.  I don’t hate him, and usually do feel like I love him.  If God is working a miracle in his heart, then I don’t want to be blind or bitter.  I want peace in my heart and life.  I’m going to call out for God’s mercy to guide and protect me.

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8 Responses to Last night I said no

  1. Expat says:

    Good for you! My ex used to withhold and cheat and stay up watching porn. It got to where I didn’t want anything from him and we stopped doing it. Then he’d want it and guilt me into you. You know how it is, if you don’t do it then they punish you down the line and act pouty. Mine though apparently had a sleeping disorder (yeah right) where he would touch me up in the middle of the night then if I woke up to that and didn’t want to mess around, too bad. It was disgusting. Finally we moved to a state where marital rape is a crime and I told him that if he ever did it again I was calling the police. Happened once more but like 2 years after that. Luckily I was on my way out in a month.


    • momtosixloves says:

      I “accidentally” found my husband’s profile for Adult Friend Finder. He claimed that he watched porn for all those years to “cure” his erectile disfunction, since he couldn’t ever perform and always withheld sex from me. I couldn’t understand how porn could cure anything. He said that he could watch it and try to get aroused to see if “he still worked”. Funny, all those years I cried alone in bed with my children, just wishing I had someone to love and hold me, and little did I know that all that money and time was being spent on strangers. Guess it didn’t cure his little problem.


    • lost7658 says:

      My husband watches porn all the time. He will either stay up late or get up early to watch it. Either way whenever he watched it which is was 90 percent of the time , I would be rejected over and over again. One time after being rejected yet again I woke up early and his phone was laying around so I went through the internet history filled with porn. His excuse the night before ” I am not in the mood”. I went crazy and we have fought about porn ever since. Eventually I stopped having sex with him even though I really wanted to be touch. However, whenever I gave into him , he would treat me pretty badly. Much like everyone else the sex can be either good or bad but most of the time it was bad. One of the last time’s I had sex with him he told me ” thank you , it is so much better with a real person”. I just looked at him. I felt like a prostitute and that is when I realized I basically was since he really didn’t care about me. After all of the porn , lack of sex, and degrading sex I eventually slept with someone else. He never found out about it , but I didn’t really feel bad about it. It is not like he is great husband and I was running around him. To be perfectly honest I consider the porn to be cheating. There is a difference between a normal guy who occasionally watches porn but has a great sex life with his significant other and a guy who uses porn to hurt their partner and ignore their needs.


  2. Zombiewife says:

    I’ve been following your blog for quite some time, but haven’t commented before now. Like you, I’m married to a PA man, but we’ve been through several years of marriage counseling and my husband acknowledges that he is PA. He’s made great progress on changing many of his PA behaviors, but the one that is stubbornly resistant is withholding intimacy and sex.

    I completely understand your reaction of anger when your husband claims sadness. His sadness over being told ‘no’ is minuscule in comparison to the lifetime of heartbreak you’ve endured…that he had inflicted upon you. He has no right to even mention his sadness in your presence. No wonder you were angry!

    If your husband is truly wanting to change, you’ll see it in his actions…not just hear it in his words.


  3. Exodus says:

    PJ’s, I understand your ‘ dilemma’ in not wanting to become blind or bitter. This dilemma is what will plague any of us living with a PA, borderline or narcissistic person from time to time. Naturally, we want to share or give something but likewise we fear regretting it later upon realizing that we gave too much or that we were used and unappreciated. For me, it feels like being taken by a con. It always seems that our love and our gifts become the very instruments used against us.

    In my particular relationship, it’s easier for me to be very defiant about not submitting my body for use. It’s very clear to me now what I’m dealing with and there is little to nothing to question anymore. I know that if I were to have sex with my husband that he would be pounding his chest in glory and most likely become even more confident in his ability to control and hurt me. In your situation it concerns me that you set a boundary on something that you want and need even though you still love him. In other words, that you are resorting to the same game that your husband does in a last ditch effort to restore some of your own power which only degrades the marriage even worse and any hope for healing. I completely understand why you did it but, since you still love him and still have hope for healing, it might be better to be open & honest and just tell him that you are feeling resentment and afraid to invest that much passion after having been so hurt and betrayed for so long. You have a right to experience those moments. Maybe that would open up an opportunity for constructive healing dialogue? Maybe not? It would also prevent you from lowering your own self worth by playing his game.
    Sorry for the scattered thoughts this morning. I’m having trouble organizing my thoughts. I feel as though I’ve had a stroke. Hope that my post made sense to you.


  4. Cathy says:

    Respectfully, I disagree with Exodus. It seemed to me that you made an honest decision based on your feelings in the moment, and certainly were not withholding sex ‘and resorting to the same game’. It also seems, sadly, that those of us who have suffered in PA marriages can only begin to recover once we begin to take responsibility and ‘feel’ our own feelings rather than acting out of hope that the other person will change. Sorry to be cynical, but interesting that he only expressed an interest in changing AFTER you had resisted him. Well done, it felt like a very positive step to me.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. lonelywife07 says:

    I agree with Cathy…your marriage is broken PJ…so why should your husband receive the benefits of what is supposed to come from a beautiful, loving relationship?
    I stopped all sex…and yes, that’s what it was…sex….not love…I stopped all sex about 6 weeks ago. I was tired of feeling used like a prostitute or concubine! I am neither!!

    What I am is a daughter of the most high God….and my emotional need, my need to feel loved and protected, are just as important as PA Mans sexual needs…God does not place one over the other.

    And for me to continue to degrade myself by having a sexual relationship with a man who has made it VERY obvious that he will NOT meet my emotional needs, well, it had to end.
    WHY would PA Man change…why would he even acknowledge that our marriage is broken, if I don’t start setting my line in the sand…my boundaries??
    I’m proud of you PJ…do what you need to do for our own emotional well being…because your own PA Man will not!


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