The laundry hamper

Newshoes123 recently made this comment:  “Soon I wasn’t good at driving, then I didn’t do this or that, and I should be doing or that, and I rose to all of his challenges but if I asked him to do something simple like pick up his clothes off the floor, that was a big deal that was worth a week of pouting and ignoring me. But I was so “obsessed” by having his “love” that I bent over backwards to try to please him, begging him at times to just talk to me and that was his ammo and it killed me.

Three separate but important things are in this comment: the deterioration of confidence, worth, and self over time; the ridiculous issues that a passive aggressive man can fixate on to feel resentment about (and thus need to punish you for);  the very sad ‘alone with him’ that can break down your spirit. 

I want to talk about the second thing, which is how ridiculous and petty some of the things are that a passive aggressive man can secretly obsess about with resentment, and the irrational and covert ways that he might choose to punish you.

Did I say irrational?  Bizarre might be more accurate.  I missed posting this for a ‘throwback Thursday’, so we could call it a freaky Friday blast to the past post.

Once upon a time, I was a very young wife with only one child, and she was a toddler at the time.  I’d finally gone back to work, and rather than opposing and sabotaging me, my passive aggressive husband was in favor of it for a couple of reasons.  The main reason was because he wanted his younger brother to be able to live with us, and that meant we needed to live in a bigger place, and that meant we needed more money.  The other reason was because I worked as a waitress in a restaurant, and that just didn’t feel threatening to him.  (It wasn’t seen as a path towards bettering myself). 

At the time, I usually worked between 32-38 hours a week, always at night.  This meant we didn’t pay for a babysitter.  Although I wouldn’t tolerate it now, back then it also meant that my working at night meant that I could still do all the cleaning, laundry, shopping, and cooking.  All he had to do was come home from work, eat the supper I’d already cooked, and put our toddler to bed.  Sometimes the dishes got done, sometimes they didn’t. 

Our budget had been so tight before I went to work, that I was thrilled to have money to pick up clothes or a toy for my daughter.  I had money to get my hair cut, or pick up little luxuries, or what I viewed as a luxury.  One of those luxuries was a laundry hamper.  Up until that time, I didn’t even have a spare basket to put our dirty clothes into.  When we changed into pajamas to go to bed, our dirty clothes were dropped in one pile in the corner of our bedroom. 

My working meant I was able to make changes here and there, and one of them was so simple that I barely gave it thought at the time I got it.  I brought home a plastic laundry hamper, the kind with the lid that swung down when you dropped clothes on it.  I think it might have been a Rubbermaid hamper.  When I mentioned it to my husband, it was actually in a rather casual way, just a simple, “Hey, just want to let you know I got a hamper so we don’t have to pile our clothes on the floor anymore.”  That’s what I said in reality.

Wow.  I think he heard it through some skewed filter that must have sounded like this:

Husband!  I’m ordering you to put your dirty clothes into a hamper.  Do you hear me?  This is an order!  A command!  I’m in charge!  I’m in control!  Put your dirty clothes into the hamper or else!  This is war!  I’m the boss!

He replied, “Okay.”

There’s no other rational way to explain his behavior that followed. 

The next night, I came home from my shift, and was getting ready for bed, when I noticed his dirty clothes on the floor near the laundry hamper.  In truth, I barely noticed it, but I did mention to him as I was tossing his dirty laundry in the hamper, “Husband, just wanted to remind you that I bought a hamper for our dirty clothes.” 

That’s what I said.  He must have heard it through his passive aggressive control freak filter as, Husband, I’m reminding you that I’m ordering you to do something!

Or maybe he just thought,  Ahh… the controlling female wants me to do something, and it would please her.  I must remember to thwart this!

He replied, “Oh, yeah, I forgot.”

The next night I came home late from work, and when I was getting ready for bed, there was his dirty laundry on the bedroom floor very close to the hamper. 

Now I actually felt confused.  You see, the possibility that this could be a control issue was too bizarre for me to consider at this point.  I said, “Husband?  Your clothes are on the floor instead of the hamper there.  I’m not sure why…”

He must have heard that as, She’s nagging me.  I worked all day, she doesn’t appreciate it, and all she can do is pick on me for one thing.  Screw that hamper.

He replied, “Oh yeah, yeah… okay.”

The next night I came home late from work, started to get ready for bed, and sure enough, his dirty clothes were on the bedroom floor right next to the hamper.  I stood and stared a minute at the sight of his clothes crumpled next to the hamper, unable to comprehend a reason for it.

I was irritated and perplexed.  “Husband, what’s going on?  What’s the deal with this?  I don’t get it!  Is there some reason you don’t want to put your dirty clothes in this hamper?”

He said, “I just forgot!  ‘Daughter’ was fussy, and it took longer to get her ready for bed.  I cleaned up a big mess in the kitchen that you left too.”

(There was not a big mess.  His dinner was cooked and waiting for him when he got home from work, and I was leaving to go to work.  He did dishes, but as usual, there was a hefty resentment price tag.)

I was tired, so I probably just wanted to believe it wouldn’t happen again.  I threw his clothes in the hamper and went to bed.

The next night, there they were again.  Now he isn’t offering an explanation or excuse.  Now I’m feeling angry.  “What the hell, Husband!  I don’t get it.  I have no idea why this is a problem or an issue for you, but here’s the deal.  I’m not washing your dirty clothes unless I take them from that hamper.  If you want to pile them on the floor, you can wash them.”

Not a word of response regarding what I said.  I couldn’t say that he punished me by withdrawing or withholding affection that night, because it was the full blown status quo during that time when I was working.  (hmm)

The next night, his clothes were now in a two day dirty pile next the the hamper.  I hid my irritation and went to bed.  The next day, I took the dirty clothes out of the hamper, and left his pile on the floor.  I knew that he was used to showering every day, and I knew exactly how many pair of underwear and socks he owned, so I calculated how many days he could hold out before he’d have to capitulate.   I decided to just ignore it, and bide my time. 

The days went on, and his pile on the floor continued to grow, until finally I knew he should have been out of clean underwear and socks.  I thought that I must have miscalculated by a pair, and that the next day would be the day he’d either fill the hamper, or wash his own clothes.

Nope. 

Can you guess what happened next?

I came home from work, and it had been a rushed, busy night.  I was so tired, and not even thinking about his laundry issues.  He hadn’t changed out of his work clothes, so we were both getting ready for bed at the same time.  There he stood, wearing my underwear and socks. 

I think I was in a kind of surreal shock.  Who does that kind of irrational, stubborn, crazy thing?  I picked up his clothes on the floor, and carried them downstairs to the laundry machines.  I learned another lesson.  It wasn’t the lesson I wish I’d learned, if I’d only understood what I was dealing with, and what the years to come would show me.  I did learn the lesson he intended, which was that he would win at all costs. 

The people in our world all adored him.  His family, my family, all our friends, the neighbors.  If I had dared tell that story when it happened, most of them would have laughed, albeit some of the laughter would have been uncomfortable. I couldn’t wrap my brain around it, and so how could other people? 

I think only someone who has been married to a truly passive aggressive man, the kind of passive aggressive that sabotages, resents, punishes covertly, withholds, excuses, blames, and then turns around to behave in a charming, child-like, sweet, helpful, and funny manner, would understand this crazy story.

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32 Responses to The laundry hamper

  1. Expat says:

    Yep! Been there with the refusing to wash laundry thing. He didn’t wear my undies but continued to wear stinky ass clothes anyway.

    I remember years into our marriage we had separate bathrooms. I would clean and an hour later he would destroy it. I kept asking please keep your bathroom tidy. Ok. Ok. You can guess that he didn’t. So I got tired of having to clean it everyday for no reason (He would empty a quarter of his tooth paste tube all over the sink, tp on the floor, drop clothes in there, his hair from shaving would be all over the sink, the floor?? etc etc.) So I stopped cleaning it. I STILL have pictures of his bathroom that I took after I stopped cleaning it for three weeks. It’s…my god. And guess who never cleaned it? I finally gave up and just cleaned it.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. JR says:

    I was eating up every word of this story!! I was right there with you… Having lived this exact scenario.

    When you said, guess what happened next, I said out loud to myself (because, of course, I’m alone), “The lousy effer went to WalMart and bought all new stuff! Didn’t he?!” That’s what my PAM did…

    I’m sorry, but I cackled at your answer! I couldn’t help it! I can just imagine your shock…

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    • WritesinPJ's says:

      Your response made me laugh!

      Like

      • JR says:

        Sometimes you gotta laugh at the crazy!

        PAM & I are having ANOTHER laundry fight right now. I’m not exactly sure what I’m being punished for this time.

        It started several days ago. I was sitting on the couch folding laundry. I had exactly one tshirt left to fold, in my hand and I’m surrounded by sorted piles of folded clothes.

        What’re you doing? Folding laundry. Why?! Ummm… Snatches the last shirt outta my hand and says in that tone, “you don’t need to fold mine!” “ummm ok.” “Why would you?! You don’t care about me!!” ummm ok.

        I put the laundry away. Later, at bedtime, all the laundry of his was out of the drawers, unfolded, on the floor. Ok… It’s still there.

        I do laundry everyday. He digs his out of the dryer and throws it in a basket in the bedroom.

        Still don’t know why.

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        • WritesinPJ's says:

          oh my… You reminded me of years ago when I had little ones. Even though I’d already done the cleaning, cooking etc. for the day while I’d taken care of babies/kids, once I tucked them in bed, I couldn’t just watch a television show. If I asked him to watch with me, he’d say he didn’t have time and name something that ‘had to be done’.

          eye roll

          I learned to save my folding clothes for when the kids were all finally in bed, and I wanted to sit and relax and watch a show. That way I was ‘doing’ something. Even then, he’d come behind me and stand and watch a bit, or murmur that he wished he had time to watch t.v. with me.

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          • Bronze says:

            The constant refrain from them that ‘we don’t care about them’, has always puzzled me. Mine said it a LOT. However, his actions showed quite overtly that HE was the one who didn’t care about me. If he had looked at my actions, that were practically slave like and the fact I stayed for 20 years without my needs being met and being told how selfish and controlling I was on a weekly basis – he would have seen that I was the only one caring in that relationship. I think ‘care’ or ‘love’ to them is adoration, praise, reverence for their ‘magnificent presence’, without any requirement for them to reciprocate. They think they are so special that we are lucky they even deign to associate with them. Mine actually told me I should be thankful he even bothered to come home! Now, I am out of it I can clearly see that he was the lucky one for me being there when he got home. I wonder if he feels he ‘won’, now?

            Liked by 1 person

  3. Exodus says:

    PJ’s this story makes me sick. I mean that literally, just reading it caused my blood pressure to go up and I felt really shaky. It is indeed these ridiculous and petty and repetitive acts of undermining that stifle any and all progress in our lives. Yes, to outsiders, these acts may seem like they are just being typical ‘ dumb guys’ and people chuckle. What our husbands do is probably what most people have experienced once or twice or maybe a few times in their relationships and there is usually a rational reason for the behavior- like being really exhausted and just not putting clothes in the hamper. But, next to the hamper time and time again? The average orangutan wouldn’t stoop that low. I went through periods where I would actually ask other wives if their husbands did this or that and I would find myself closely observing other couples when I was out in public or at a social function because I was really trying to be objective and fair and not think the worst of Norman. What cuts and hurts the most of all is when close friends or family would give me a hard time for being so hard on Norman as if I was…..I know you all know what I mean.

    Yes, Norman does the same thing with the laundry basket. I don’t do his laundry but that’s because he refuses to empty his pockets that are always full of crud and receipts and unroll his nasty socks that are full of dirt and and weeds. . I realized that he resented me not doing his laundry when he blew up at me on a job in front of a customer and made some comment about how I don’t even do his laundry. It was weird how that comment came out of nowhere for no reason.

    Newshoes, Same here about the bathroom or any other room I would clean. If I vacuumed, he would come home and ‘ accidentally’ sprinkle potato chips on the carpet. This killed my spirit for doing anything. The craziest thing he does has to do with his coffee making every night. Coffee-making is the only household chore that he does and the ways that he punishes me are so insane. If I just cleaned the kitchen floor, he will spill about a tablespoon or more on the counter and then brush it onto the clean floor. If the floor is dirty, then he will make sure to leave the bag of coffee open so that it goes stale ( he knows I hate that). I always know when he’s booby-trapped the coffee because he won’t be the first one to get up out of bed. He ‘ accidentally’ forgot to set the timer on the machine or he has left the decanter off the burner so that I have a big mess to clean up. As insane as this sounds, every single day, I must deal with some coffee-related incident and it’s been this way for almost 20 years. When I complain, he tells me to make it myself if I want it done right.

    Yesterday a very old friend of mine ( who knew me before I married Norman) that I used to work with called and he said something to me that really bothered/humiliated me when I told him I was leaving Norman. He said, ‘ I don’t know why you stayed with him so long. None of us could understand why you cared about him and how you could tolerate him. This has been going on too long and I’m glad you’re leaving.’ He went on to say that everyone noticed how I quit being social but most of all, how everyone noticed how I didn’t want to talk and he added, ‘ We all knew how much you loved to talk about anything and thought it was so strange how you suddenly changed after you got married.” I finally asked him if that is why everyone quit inviting me to parties and he said, ‘ No, it was because of Norman’s bad attitude toward you that brought everyone down.” Very humiliating.

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    • WritesinPJ's says:

      Sorry to hear this was a trigger for you! I have other things that can seem ordinary but gut kick me as a trigger.
      I had at least two other teflon things today so far. One was asking him to get ready to eat cantaloupe (grandkids here now) when he called from the store. He brought home five… 5… cantaloupe, all too green to enjoy eating.
      Second, he needed to print out complimentary tickets we were given for a waterpark outing this weekend. I already told him I might not go if our daughter thinks it’s too much for the one year old grandson. When he went to print the tickets, he saw that names had to be filled in for whoever was using the tickets, and used my name on one of them. What?? There were other people definitely going. That’s potentially forty dollars worth of a ticket if I’m not able to go. But still… the cantaloupe and tickets are teflon coated.

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      • Exodus says:

        No problem on the trigger. I’m so used to it. But, it does make me realize how my body responds to these types of stressors in my life because whenever I was actually experiencing the real life triggers, I wasn’t always aware since I was so caught up in the moment.
        I deal with those exact same teflon coated examples and even now PJ’s I still wonder if it’s just that these men don’t hear us because the are not paying attention or do they not know how to pick out a ripe fruit? Norman insists on buying expensive organic fruit and yet he always chooses the over-ripe very blemished or very bruised ones. It’s SO obvious that the fruit is practically rotten and yet he pays top dollar for it. Is he that ignorant or is he using that opportunity to punish me because he knows how I hate wasting money? The other thing I wonder is if it ever occurs to Norman that he looks like a complete moron at the checkout when he buys rotten fruit?

        Dunno.

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    • Anonymous says:

      Hi’ I’m sorry that you heard that as humiliating, as it sounded quite supportive to my ears. I’ll just say ‘yes’ to all of the comments! My PA used to come to bed in his dirty work clothes! But the worst part for me is that other people see these ‘niggles’ as trivial, of course the problem is that they happen thousands of times over. But it seems good that your friends noticed- shame they didn’t’t support you earlier :[

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      • Exodus says:

        To bed with dirty work clothes? Actually, Norman would probably do that if I had allowed it. Yes, the niggles are not funny to us and in hindsight I’m sure that one of the main reasons that I isolated myself from others was because I couldn’t handle everyone finding Norman’s antics to be funny or entertaining. If they only knew what I had to go through just to get to a function or to have one at my home. I got tired of his family making excuses for him and I got tired of how everyone loved Norman and all he did and how I was perceived as the too serious control freak that couldn’t have fun. What they didn’t realize is that I couldn’t have any fun if Norman was around because I had to be his chaperon or I had to do all the work or I was too exhausted to even enjoy myself. I remember once at a company Christmas party that I didn’t want to attend because I hated showing up and pretending to be Norman’s wife when I was actually his mother. I went anyway just to be supportive of his career and one of the wives asked me very nicely what I did ( in ref to my career) and I said, ‘ Nothing’ ( because that is what Norman always insinuated at home) and she gave me a very strange look and I said, ‘ Well, ask Norman. I’m sure he’ll come up with something wonderful to tell you’ ( because he would always flatter me around HIS friends). By that year, I guess that was 2005/6, I knew that I had reached a point where I couldn’t even be diplomatic in public when I was with Norman. I refused to play the game of being Norman’s loving wife.

        Oh well. We can’t blame others for not understanding. They don’t live with him/us.
        I agree that what my friend told me was honest and I appreciate that to some degree. I guess what he said could be interpreted as supportive but I consider it to be more enlightening than anything else. It’s very hard for me to realize who I was vs who I am today. People are more willing to be honest and supporitive after the fact. Not that they are bad people, just that it’s human nature to do that since hindsight always provides more validation and clarity. ” Ah ha! I knew Norman was bad news!” It’s truly humiliating that my friends noticed how I allowed myself to be so reduced by Norman’s negativity because I was never like that until I met Norman. I was the high energy social & political activist with the the big mouth always standing up for what was right, always defending the truth, always standing up to the bullies and against corruption. It’s astonishing how one weak man could have such a negative effect on me. It’s astonishing how covert abuse immediately takes effect by confusing us and wearing us down so quickly. It’s like waking up one morning feeling fine and by mid afternoon you have a 100 degree temp, pneumonia and flat on your back.

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  4. GainingStrength says:

    He was taking wallpaper off (we were not on good terms then) and I finally said I would help a little bit (and it was a little bit). He gave me a spray bottle and told me it was the stuff he bought to help remove the wallpaper, I said okay. When I ran out I held out the bottle and said “I’m out of this stuff.” Him “I’ll have to mix some up, I bought another kind. I have to mix it with hot water.” Me: “Okay.” Him: “You’ll have to use a sponge.” I said, “Why don’t you mix it in the spray bottle?” Him: “Do you think the two will mix well?” Me: “Why don’t you rinse the spray bottle out first?” Him: “Do you think that will work?” Me: “Yes.” He left and minutes later he brought the spray bottle full of the new mixture. —Sigh—

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    • Brucie says:

      The windshield wipers. o.m.f.g. Mine does that, he’s done it since we were teenagers.
      I’ve been pouring though all these blogs laughing at how much everyones PA husband resembles mine in many ways but this windshield wiper thing has me shook. I really thought that was his own personal brand of crazy that NO one else would ever do.

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  5. Bronze says:

    Mine also wouldn’t put his clothes in the basket. I just picked them up. He wouldn’t unroll his work socks either. He has a dirty job. He would often come home with black hands, but he refused to wash them before coming upstairs or even eating and as a consequence I have black finger marks all over walls that need to be painted over. I’m sure he washes his hands for his girlfriend now he is living in her house but who knows? He would cut his toenails and leave the clippings on the carpet (HUGE clippings). He would make sure he stirred his coffee by hitting very loudly all around the cup. Even his own mother commented on how loudly he stirred coffee. I think he did it because he was resentful he had to get out of bed early – so he would make as much noise as possible to wake up all the kids and I. I also read another forum where nearly every woman agreed their PA wouldn’t turn on the windscreen wipers until they could barely see out of the windscreen. Mine also did this. All these little behaviours that are so similar and all designed to ‘control’ another person and show them that they are ‘winning’. It is bizarre.

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    • WritesinPJ's says:

      “All these little behaviours that are so similar and all designed to ‘control’ another person and show them that they are ‘winning’. It is bizarre. ” Bronze

      Yes!

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    • GainingStrength says:

      The windshield wipers….YES, YES, YES, YES, YES! Drove me crazy. If I dared to flip the wipers once…oh my goodness! Why did I do that, HE could see, HE didn’t want them on, if HE wanted them on HE would have turned them on!! Am I driving, do I want to drive. Every time, every single time. :/

      The only thing weird he did with laundry was for the last 15 years he didn’t like putting his clothes in the same hamper as I did. Why? I don’t know, he put them in the laundry room hamper. 🙂

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      • Brucie says:

        I left my windshield wiper comment on the wrong post, but it just made me think of another one.
        We had an ’72 Beetle that he would drive as fast as possible. That old car would be rattling on the road and of course he would never slow down no matter how terrified I was.
        That car died recently, we have a fairly new one now, 2004.
        Guess what? Now he drives as slow as possible. He gets in the fast lane and sets his speed control around 62. I cringe at the drivers that come speeding up behind us then suddenly swerve to pass him, or the line of drivers piling up behind us and the long empty road ahead, or the high beams flashed at us.

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    • Exodus says:

      Bronze, we are married to the same man……the same man with black dirty hands, loud stirring, toenails on the carpet. I don’t know how you could keep a relatively decent home if you worked outside the home. I spent almost all day cleaning up after Norman every day- .hand prints, muddy bathroom rugs, muddy hand prints on the shower curtain, cupboards, chunks of dirt on the carpets from his treads, food on the floor and smeared all over the sofa. The brief 4 years that I did work outside the home was a nightmare for me even though my job was a very flexible job ( research lab) in that I could work any hours that I chose most of the time ( not when I had to do field work). I often had to go into work at midnight so that I could get home in time to to deal with Norman’s mess which would take several hours a day to deal with- including painting over prints or stains and having to clean upholstery. Because I worked at night , I worked alone a lot of the time which made Norman happy. He hated me having friends at work.

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  6. JR says:

    I also wanted to that your filtered hearing examples sound spot on.

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  7. lonelywife07 says:

    That is just FREAKY!!! Wearing YOUR underwear?? Oh my gosh!! I’m sorry but I would have grabbed all of my underwear and took them to work with me every night and then I would have handed him a freaking DIAPER!!!
    I guess I’m a mean person maybe?
    I dunno…Maybe PA Man isn’t really PA? He doesn’t do that kind of crap…or maybe he’s a 2-3 on the PA scale?? He does his own laundry….I stopped doing his laundry after his affair came out…and yes he makes comments every now and then, but I ignore him.
    These men are sick in the head!!

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  8. Zombiewife says:

    I couldn’t help but laugh at this, even though it’s really not funny. Refusing to put laundry in a hamper must be the first behavior a PA man learns, and they all seem to do it. It’s amazing what lengths they’ll go to in order to win…including wearing women’s panties when their own are dirty.

    And what in the world makes us protect them from the consequences of their own behavior, keep their secrets, and protect their reputation in the community? There’s a blog post…one that perhaps we all should consider writing.

    I do laundry once a week, always on the same day, and have a nice hamper set-up to pre-sort the clothes. Probably half of my husband’s dirty laundry winds up in the hamper. Much of it is on the floor surrounding the hamper. On laundry day, I simply announce that I’m about to do laundry, and that anything that needs to be washed needs to be in the hamper in 15 minutes. And then I do the laundry…and I don’t give a flying f**k if he didn’t unpack his suitcase from being out of town at work, or fish his underwear out from under the bed, or if he has his favorite shirt for a special event. I ain’t the laundry police.

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    • Bronze says:

      ” And what in the world makes us protect them from the consequences of their own behavior, keep their secrets, and protect their reputation in the community? ”
      THIS
      My own experience is when it finally comes to the end – that protection we gave does not serve us. Why, on earth did I hide all of his dysfunction? It backfires and sure as s**t, they don’t deserve it because the minute things look like going south for them, they sell us down the river faster than you can say PA!! They ALWAYS, and I mean ALWAYS, look out for number one. They’ll stick around as long as we are willing to protect them and put up with them. I actually remember shouting at mine once that he was not going to get anymore protection from me. He thinks that makes me ‘hateful’ – to him telling the truth is ‘hateful’. I contended to him that in reality the actual hatefulness was what he sowed for the twenty years prior and me talking about it was just a response to that. They see everything backwards. Remember, they are ALWAYS the victim.

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    • newshoes123 says:

      Zombie – LOLLLLL I’ve felt like the laundry police at our house many times, except I gave up at some point, he realized he should probably start doing his laundry himself and he has but it’s still funny, I remember looking under the bed for random socks…. what was I thinking. Thanks for making me roar with laughter today.

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    • Exodus says:

      Zombie, one of the women that I worked with told me that she began putting all of her husband’s clothing that missed the hamper into a trash bag and then putting the bag into the attic. Her husband apparently didn’t even notice that the clothes were missing and after a few months, she threw them away. I told Norman , ‘ I’ll pick up your clothing one time and one time only and never again and that is to put them into the trash’ and I didn’t care what I was throwing away. On the occasion that Norman would find his clothing in the trash he would ask me why I did that and keep asking and asking as if he was just shocked by my actions. Even so, his behavior never changed. The only thing that changed was that instead of me throwing away his clothes, I began hauling trash bags to the Goodwill.

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  9. newshoes123 says:

    I forgot to mention that I didn’t press his pants properly or wash his shirts properly or the whites are not white enough…. Never mind that I’ve been doing laundry since I was 15…. Laundry is not rocket science or is it?!!! lollll

    PJ, you made me both cry and laugh, thank you for sharing that story. I seriously thought no one else had that problem. And it reminded me of something else. pah never finishes anything even a very simple something. He will wash dishes (one of the only things he seems to not mind doing although he will grumble that he’s the done always doing them – not true by the way), but he won’t use the dishwasher!! yep, he just won’t use it. And he will leave one piece of either cutlery (usually it’s a spoon) or one pan in the sink and the dirty water. I never got that.

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    • Oh my goodness, yes. Mine has laundry issues, too, including where he puts his dirty laundry, but you really got me on the dishes and the never finishing anything. He will do the dishes, but not regularly and usually not even when the counters are covered because I am too ill to do it. I can’t tell when he is going to do them or what his motivation will need to be. He will load the dishwasher and he will wash dishes by hand, but things have to be pretty out of the ordinary for him to dry a dish or put a dish away. It’s like he is allergic to it. He will wash dishes until they are stacked so high in the dish drainer that if you brush past it the wrong way something is going to fall and break. Sometimes he does it because I have told the children they can’t go do some leisure activity with him (swimming, park, etc.) until the kitchen is clean because I need their help. He can’t get their obedience so instead of re-enforcing that they need to help out, he will do it instead because he wants to go play. Oh, how he loves to go play. Even then, he will make sure to do about 95% of it and he leaves a few of the same items undone each time. It’s weird. Does he think they wash themselves? I really don’t get it. He even has a special place he puts one of them when he doesn’t wash it. Seriously. It’s bizarre.

      It is so true though that he doesn’t finish things. All kinds of things. He loves to start new projects, glorious, over-the-top, grandiose projects (this is part of the narcissism, I think), but they don’t get finished. He leaves everything 60-75% done and then comes back a year later (after I push and prod) and does another 5%. Even then he manages not to get it completely done. It’s the same with repairs and maintenance things. He either doesn’t do them or he does them halfway just to keep me from hiring someone to do them. Oh, we can’t hire anybody. That’s a waste of money, when he can do everything himself because he is so capable (in his mind). So they drag on and on and sometimes it’s like he deliberately does the ones he is capable of in a low-quality way. Again, I don’t get it. I have started to be quiet about things that need repair so I can call a repairman while he is at work and just get it done without talking about it. I have also started to do some of the jobs myself. It’s amazing how fast and easy some things are that he just didn’t have the time to do because his time is so valuable.

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      • Exodus says:

        Oh how they love to play. Yep. Norman’s therapist is so happy now that he has been ‘ playing’. He’s shacked up with some bimbo on an off now and fishing and having a great time on HER boat.
        Like you, I started calling contractors which really ticked Norman off because HE IS a contractor. Oh well The little oak seedling that Norman promised to remove a few years ago cost me 800 dollars to remove and I had to remove it because the trunk was bending the fence ( they grow fast!).
        I really couldn’t afford to live with Norman. His antics were very expensive and very stressful.

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      • Anonymous says:

        Seeing – MINE too is like that, I have yet to see anything that he started finished in the house, I either end up finishing it myself or it stays that way…. it’s very confusing and I like he does in spite since he knows that I really want them done. Same here he won’t hire anyone, because then he has to explain to a qualified contractor why he did this or that in not such a great way. The funny thing is when I met him, he raved about working and helping out his dad on so many renovations projects and he did accomplish all kinds of little repairs or renos at our house when we first moved in together, I’m not really sure when all of this started but it’s been a long time since I’ve seen him finish anything 100%. I stopped mentioning to finish his projects, there’s no point, it’s a lost cause. But it always bothered me that I could never see anything completely done. I’m like you, I started some of the jobs myself too, and then he gets mad because I’m doing them lolllll dare I the little woman be able to fix something 😀 well hell ya I can!!!

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  10. newshoes123 says:

    oh yeah, forgot about the windshield wipers ROTFL, ladies, it’s got to be a pa thing…. as sad as all this is, I have to say that some stuff is borderline comedy act!!!

    Like

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