He’ll say that he’s sorry

Sometimes he’ll say he’s sorry.  Usually not unless the teflon deniability has failed, or I won’t budge on accountability and boundaries.  If it’s the former, then he can be like a sorry kid that was rough housing in the living room and broke a good vase, or tracked mud on a newly washed floor.  Really sorry (pitiful face).  I won’t do it again…  (only he does)  If he says he’s sorry about the latter (because I wouldn’t budge on an issue), then his ‘sorry’ is kind of smug and resentful.  Sarcastic tones of sorry, I made a mistake….(then proceeds to remind me of my mistakes, and act like I’m constantly picking on him)

I recently told him that I don’t want to hear him say he’s sorry anymore.  Just stop saying it.  I told him that when he keeps doing something, his behavior doesn’t reflect being sorry, so stop saying it and if you’re really sorry, then show me. 

“You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.”  The Princess Bride

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18 Responses to He’ll say that he’s sorry

  1. lonelywife07 says:

    I think Leslie Vernicks video says it all…https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=Kez99hKBJ7U

    I no longer listen to the words….I watch the actions….words are useless when you’re dealing with a PA…

    Liked by 2 people

  2. paescapee says:

    Yes, ‘sorry’ can be a quick way of deflecting from someone setting a boundary- it ends the conversation without exploring the reasons behind why he acted thoughtlessly. Also, I think it serves to escalate the stress for the non-pa as when ‘sorry’ is used repeatedly without any change in behaviour, it becomes very disrespectful. (We all know the teenage ‘sorry, whatever’ response!)
    It just makes the non-pa increasingly hysterical and looks as though you are petty and over-reacting. I’ve just blogged about my airing cupboard!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    • WritesinPJ's says:

      I just read your blog post, and it’s a perfect example! (well written!) I had the same experience in the past when I’ve tried to organize kitchen cupboards and linen closet (which is I think like your airing closet, only yours sounds wonderful to have warm towels and sheets).
      And yes, it does exactly make you look (and feel) increasingly hysterical, petty, and over-reacting.
      So nice to ‘meet’ you, and I look forward to reading more of your blog.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. Bronze says:

    At one stage, my ex actually told me he couldn’t say sorry because he knew he would do it again. I should have listened. Prior to that his sorry consisted of “I’m sorry you feel that way’ or he would insist he already said sorry (when he hadn’t). There is no use in a PA man saying sorry – they don’t mean it – they aren’t sorry. They deliberately do things they know will hurt us. If we let those things slide and pretend we don’t notice – they continue to up the anti until we do. Us being OK with their behaviour and NOT being hurt, is NOT part of the game. Also, if we get angry or hurt – that gives them license to sting us a bit more (or a lot more) with their anger and abuse(whatever form that may take). That IS part of the game.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Exodus says:

      Bronze, you’re spot on. Very well stated. No abuser understands the meaning of sorry and we need to get real and accept that they are incapable of feeling regret. I’m currently dealing with some very bizarre behavior at the moment ( this morning) and I know it’s because Norman’s threshold for being civil and nice to me had reached it’s limit- and there is always a limit to the kind phase. We will always be teetering up and down with these disordered people. Norman hasn’t been living here full time but he’s been mostly civil even if it’s mostly just avoidance and denial ( but even that concerns me since those are things that fuel PA!). Since he’s been seeing the therapist, I’ve noticed a few strange behaviors that I’ll describe another time that are concerning me but, mainly I’m concerned that his therapist is inadvertently causing him to become even more PA by encouraging him to withhold and not react to negative feelings.

      I have been concerned that because he’s not here full time, because he’s not abused me in several days and because his therapist is helping him to justify his anger toward me, if he wouldn’t do something awful to me in the near future. Sure enough, this morning, I got the triple dose. I managed to videotape most of it and I’m doing alright even though I eventually had to leave the office ( had to sneak out actually). I fully realize now that what Norman has done to me and continues to do to me is not about me and it’s not personal and therefore, any attempt to resolve anything or even attempt to discuss anything with him would be unsuccessful and full of ugly negative drama. Our dysfunctional relationship isn’t about two people that have issues that can be mediated and compromised I realize that the role a spouse fulfills in any abusive marriage is simply to be a safe place for abusers to unleash their anger.

      Normans perception of anything in any given moment is not based in reality and although for years I wanted to believe that he and I were on the same page at times, I’m fully aware now that that has never been the case and never will be. PA people have a very skewed perception and they see what they need to see, hear what they need to hear in order to create their own reality- a reality that enables them to avoid the shameful truth and justifies displacing their repressed anger on us.

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      • Exodus, you said: “I fully realize now that what Norman has done to me and continues to do to me is not about me and it’s not personal and therefore, any attempt to resolve anything or even attempt to discuss anything with him would be unsuccessful and full of ugly negative drama. Our dysfunctional relationship isn’t about two people that have issues that can be mediated and compromised I realize that the role a spouse fulfills in any abusive marriage is simply to be a safe place for abusers to unleash their anger.” So true! Absolutely. It is a good thing to be in a place where we know this and can approach our lives with that knowledge.

        You also said: “Normans perception of anything in any given moment is not based in reality and although for years I wanted to believe that he and I were on the same page at times, I’m fully aware now that that has never been the case and never will be. PA people have a very skewed perception and they see what they need to see, hear what they need to hear in order to create their own reality- a reality that enables them to avoid the shameful truth and justifies displacing their repressed anger on us.” Again, you are so right. Gregory is the same way. Many times I thought he and I were on the same page, too. Hearing what he is revealing about his true mentality now, most if not all of that had to be a facade.

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        • Exodus says:

          Seeing, it seems that when I say ‘ blue’, Norman hears ‘ green’ and yet he will cut me off mid sentence and say, ‘ yeah, I know, I agree’. I can’t tell you the number of times that I believed something that Norman ‘ agreed’ with or agreed to only to find out that he didn’t agree at all. It’s led to a lot of problems in our business too because he and I will meet and discuss how to handle something or someone and he will do exactly the opposite and leave me in a horrible position of having to either comply with something that will cost us dearly or I end up looking like the bitch who is difficult to work with.
          The inconsistencies in Norman’s value system are what really disturb me though because he claims to be an environmentalist and yet he’s the most wasteful, destructive and gluttonous human I’ve ever known. Yet, he volunteers for all these ‘ green’ organizations and even gets write ups in the newspaper!!! Sickening!

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  4. GainingStrength says:

    In the first decade or so of my marriage, mine would “promise”. Looking back it was like a child saying “I promise mommy…” I asked him to stop using the word since he didn’t do what he “promised.” He only promised when I was upset with him and it was just a way to get me to shut up and leave him alone. When I told him that breaking a promise was lying he looked so darned confused. :/ He tried to make me believe that since he had “good intentions” it wasn’t a lie when he didn’t fulfill the promise!?!? Crazy-making.

    Regarding the I’m sorry routine, like yours it always ended with being my fault or I would share heavily in the guilt. And like all of us, he would do the same thing again and again and again. Yep, actions speak louder than words with these abusers.

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  5. lost7658 says:

    My PA always says sorry but he says sorry followed I am sorry but you did this… blah blah blah. He then justifies his own reasons for his crappy behavior by blaming it all on you in his fake apology. I don’t even take them seriously anymore because I am sorry followed by blame is not sorry. He also likes to promise that he will be better or really try. Key word try. He tried to be better it just didn’t work out.

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  6. Anonymous says:

    Mine didn’t even bother to say he was sorry, no he would want to hug and shag but not admit to being sorry. After therapy he said it, then turn around and do some other thing to hurt me. Call it a joke. Call it what you want, isn’t that still pain inflicted on the one you just apologized too and said you loved?? I don’t think I’ll ever get this pa stuff.

    I remember one time we had a huge fight where he dragged me through the mud and then again, I was sitting on the bed just balling my eyes out, and he just looked at me and asked me what was wrong…. What was wrong?? Not, I’m sorry, not I’ll never do it again, not an ounce of remorse, just what’s wrong…. I didn’t answer, I was shocked. That happened quite a few times until I stopped crying. There was a stretch of many many years that I didn’t shed a single tear, I just accepted the status quo. I’m crying again now, I found my heart recently and at least I’m not so frustrated.

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  7. lonelywife07 says:

    “I apologize.” That’s all PA Man ever says. “I apologize.” I know he doesn’t mean it…I know he could care less that he’s hurt or upset me….so now when he says that, I tune him out.

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  8. Anonymous says:

    I have been reading your blog for weeks and it is keeping me sane. 🙂 Mine always argues that he shouldn’t bother saying he is sorry because I have such a high expectation (i.e. that he actually mean it and speak it sincerely- or that he not say “sorry if that bothered you,” Etc.!) that he can’t get the words right, so why bother? ARGHHH.

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  9. AlonewithGod says:

    During a discussion about our relationship or ANYTHING relating to the real world, my ex always said, “I can’t talk to you” when the debate became heated. Meaning he could not control the communication and make me agree with everything he thought and said. He wanted me to be a carbon copy of him, completely submissive to his evil control. Abusers think men should be in control of every aspect of the relationship and that females should submit to that control. This attitude extends to daughters too. Because they are convinced that females are inferior.

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    • Seeing the Light says:

      AlonewithGod, this is so true! How do they hide this in order to get us committed? If I wasn’t concerned about anonymity, I would say so much more on what he has even let slip out of his mouth lately! It gives me the shivers to finally see it so clearly. I am not supposed to have a say in our relationship. Even in issues of faith and God, I am supposed to believe what he tells me to believe. Eek. It’s true that their attitudes include the daughters, too. It is heartbreaking to see the consequences of that. I long for the day we can all get away from this.

      Like

  10. Newshoes says:

    Mine says he s sorry about stuff he shouldn’t be sorry about and ignore the things he should. I feel like such a twit sometimes because I fall for it. 😦

    Liked by 1 person

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