He yelled at our daughter

He’s passive aggressive.  His typical m/o (method of operation) isn’t normally overt.  It’s almost always so covert that you can’t connect it to him with surety. 

We’ve had days of extra people.  First to arrive was one of my sisters, then our oldest daughter, her two little boys, and our second oldest son came.  The kids and grand kids left last Monday afternoon, and my sister left this afternoon. 

It’s true that it was physically tiring.  We gave our room to our daughter to fit the baby’s bed in with her.  The sleeper couch is definitely not comfortable, but I was happy to have them here, and didn’t care.  It was odd hours, less sleep, some extra running, extra work with meals and cleaning etc.  I’m sure he is tired. 

But…

He was on extra good behavior.  Oh so good…

And…

We all know how taxing that is to a passive aggressive over time.

He was supposed to ask our second to youngest daughter to do the supper dishes.  He said he did.  She said he didn’t.

(for the record, I believe her)

She was watching a movie with her siblings, and on my way to bed, I saw the mess in the kitchen.  I asked him if he’d asked her.  (Even then, I was wondering if he actually had)  He said yes, and went to talk to her.

Back story… this daughter is very strong in character, but quiet, extra loving, amazingly good, extremely responsible and helpful, and her word is as good as gold.  She’s very loving to her father as well. 

I heard her express that she didn’t think he’d asked her earlier, and he was so grouchy, irritable, whiny, and snappy.  He insisted that he had.  She asked him nicely if she could just go to bed now, get up early, and do them in the morning.

And he just started yelling at her.  Telling her to just ‘move’ and ‘never mind that he feels sick’ and ‘just go’ etc.  I walked quickly over and told him to stop it, and leave the room.  He was jerking dishes around and glaring and muttering, and so I told him to leave the room… now.

Poor angry baby stormed off. 

First, that kind of behavior disgusts me.  I might write more about it tomorrow.

Second, he was a fool to behave like that to a daughter that has continued to give him the benefit of the doubt, and who has offered him steady love, respect, and affection.

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5 Responses to He yelled at our daughter

  1. momtosixloves says:

    Dear Lady, please do write more about this happening in your home. This story describes my daily life with my husband. My children work all day – mopping, cleaning husband’s bathroom, helping with baby, even doing their own laundry. But when HE comes in and sees something not done, he pounces. There is never a word of thanks or appreciation for all that we do here. We only expect him to take out the trash on the weekend, and even then he “forgets” and yells and rages on Sunday about the heaping pile of garbage falling over. I told him, “Remember, you were supposed to take it out on Saturday, and that is why it is now falling over”. He claims that no, the kids forgot to take it out on Friday. Never taking the blame when it is staring him right in the face. When I grew up, I never touched touched the garbage, but then my dad was a real man, not a child living in a man’s body.

    I have lived with his abuse for twenty years, and now am paying the price physically and mentally. It’s my children that I must protect now. And as you know, there’s no way of knowing when the “storm is coming”. Even when we walk on eggshells all day, and try to make everything perfect in his world, he will find something that we could never predict to “punish” us for.

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    • WritesinPJ's says:

      momtosixloves, I’ll try to write more later. I woke up asking myself why I felt compelled to sit and post late at night. The answer is because it was a trigger to me. It’s rare that he behaves so overtly, and even more rarely has he pushed it beyond yelling.
      But he has.
      I’m pretty sure those times are like embedded PTSD triggers for me.
      I’m going to think about it awhile before coming back to write more.

      Like

      • Exodus says:

        PJ’s I think you got triggered in the same way that I got triggered and hit Norman with the remote. There are certain words, phrases, attitudes, looks and of course, behaviors that can set off an explosion of intense reactions in us because very simply, we are just FED UP, full to the gills and over-flowing with frustration all the time. I think too that since he yelled at your daughter, you doubled up on the defense as well. When I had my dogs, I turned into a protective mama bear and frankly, Norman is lucky to be alive today. I always felt so guilty that I had kept my dogs in this house with Norman and I think that when Norman would do something hurtful to them, I would redline even worse -not just because they were entirely innocent and didn’t deserve that but also because I felt the need to prove to myself that I was doing everything I could to protect them. Oh boy, the things I used to tell myself to make life more bearable.

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    • lonelywife07 says:

      Momtosixloves….Can’t you leave? Do you have family who would take you in? This is abuse…of you AND your precious children and it’s going to harm them and scar them so deeply!
      I read on http://www.leslievernick.com that when a wife finally makes the decision to leave her abusive husband, the children stop wetting the bed, start getting better grades in school, illnesses magically disappear, they start sleeping through the night, etc…
      I hate what this is doing to all of our children…are we contributing to future passive Aggressives by staying?
      My father in law is PA….and so is his son…it does make me wonder!?!?
      Will be praying for you, Momto
      sixloves…I will be praying!

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  2. newshoes123 says:

    It seems they all act the same towards the ones they claim to “love”. Mine was very intimadating to the kids. He would yell at them directly in their face and if they tried to move away, he would find a way to get closer threatening with his body, being a big bully. I would intervene of course but it only made it worse and he exploded telling me I was protecting my precious babies. Well what’s a mother to do?? Obviously I’m going to protect them. He would do the same to me too which always scared me and left me with my heartbeat wanting to come out of my chest, it would take days for me to recover mentally and physically, often throwing up or feeling sick to my stomach not wanting to eat, then pigging out days later because I was so hungry.

    I found online a while back an article about passive aggressive and covert aggressive and it listed this particular form of abuse as being on the overt side of the covert, simply because of the bullying aspect. When he’s good, he oh so very good as you said PJ but when he’s bad, he’s oh so bad. Those moments, I cannot forget, they remind me that he can explode at any time and he will use his body and his voice to abuse us. One of my son once told me “dad is a bully”, and this was after he got yelled at and threathened in this way. I felt bad for me, I intervened once again of course, but those few seconds that it actually happened, that child will never forget it and neither will I. I’ve been accused of living in the past, perhaps, but when the past keeps resurfacing and it did this weekend (although I was gaslighted of course) then how can I move forward with this man? I can’t.

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