I haven’t been able to shake it off yet

It’s not that I’ve never yelled, raised my voice, gotten mad or shouted… but there’s a certain way that he’ll yell, and I associate it with bad things happening.  Months or years can pass between when he crosses out of the bell curve, but it reverberates over time for me.

I still feel triggered from last night.

He apologized to our daughter this morning.  He didn’t apologize to me.

I’m pretty sure he knows how it affected me.  I’d bet he knows.

I’m trying to act as normal as possible, but how I feel inside is weepy.

Somehow, I have to pull myself back together inside and focus to stay on track. 

I really just want to cry, and for some safe haven to regain strength and clarity.

I feel… unstable.

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7 Responses to I haven’t been able to shake it off yet

  1. Zombiewife says:

    What can you do for yourself to feel comforted? I hope you’ll make self-care your highest priority. You deserve it, and need to feel safe in your own skin and your own home.

    Extra hugs, PJs.

    Like

    • WritesinPJ's says:

      Thanks, zombiewife. I don’t know really what would comfort me. A time machine? Maybe winning the lottery, but I don’t buy lottery tickets, so that’s kind of kaput.
      I wish that some unexpected positive sign would come to my path.
      Self-care… I’ll set a priority to get myself to the lake to swim tomorrow. I’ll do my best to eat healthy and drink extra water.
      Self-care feels exhausting and futile tonight though. Hopefully I’ll be in a better frame of mind in the morning.

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  2. paescapee says:

    I’m sorry PJ, it sounds horrible. It feels to me as if you might possibly be reacting to some feeling of abandonment or terror from way, way back in your childhood? as well as the event that’s triggered it. I love to swim too, hope it helps. My thoughts are with you

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  3. wornout says:

    Darnit 😦 You mentioned that it’s not like you have never gotten mad or raised your voice. Thats normal, everyone gets frustrated with things at different times. But when a PA man gets mad, it feels entirely different, huh. There is a coldness and an uncarring tone behind it that is always unnerving. It’s especially hard to take when it is directed to our kids. And the crazy thing about the times that they do actually decide to show emotion and get outwardly upset about something, it’s always something that isn’t something that they should be that upset over, like with what happened with your daughter. And what’s doublely hard is that we are left doing damage control for the hurt that they cause. 😦 Hang in there.

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  4. lonelywife07 says:

    I blogged about PA Man yelling at our youngest and calling him a “weirdo” several weeks ago…And the memory of him doing that STILL angers me!
    I think because we invest so much into our children, and our husbands do nothing, that we feel like it’s a personal attack on them AND us!! Prayers for you PJ!

    Liked by 1 person

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