Sick Tiger cat and a nightmare

It’s been difficult for me the last few days.  Nothing unusual has happened here, just the normal invisible subtle grinding down.  The problem is that I’m not managing well to replenish or nurture myself so I won’t feel so tired and sad.

I do think so often of my cousin.  I wish I could share a picture of her, so you all could see how beautiful she is.  When I went swimming, I walked into the water halfway, but just needed to stand awhile to feel the sun warming my skin, and the small breeze move my hair.  I wondered what hopes and dreams my cousin had as she fought to live, and if and when she understood that she was leaving this earth.  I thought about my mother.  I thought about my friend that died last month.  I thought about my sister-in-law and dear friend that died several years ago.  I thought about how short life is, and how it feels like it’s slipping by.

I’ve already been snappy a few times this morning.  Twice with the same daughter.  I should probably take a five minute nap after posting, and then apologize to her.

Yesterday afternoon, I noticed Tiger (a barn cat) seemed off.  He was entirely uninterested in the sardine I offered him, which was not at all normal for him.  Later in the evening,  we had a summer storm with thunder, lightning, and rain, and he must have hidden in the barn.  After the storm passed, I found Tiger on a lawn chair up by the house.  He seemed lethargic, and he was just laying there wet and quiet.  I picked him up, wet messy fur and all, and held him close, stroked him and tried to comfort him, and brought him inside the garage entry.  I called for my husband, and he reluctantly came. 

He was already upset with me earlier last evening.  I’d asked him to help a friend over the phone with a computer issue.   Sometimes asking him to help someone else works out okay, but sometimes asking my husband for anything when he’s in a certain mood is just going to bite me.  Last night was a time he resented it.  He did it, but he was cool and resentful to me later.  He was so unpleasant that I just wanted to avoid him for the rest of the night.

Then the storm came,  everyone powered down computers, and my oldest son, two youngest daughters and I started to play a dice game.  My husband decided to join us, and I silently didn’t want him to.  After the recent conversation dealing with his resentment, I just wanted him to go away.  Standing up and walking away from the game didn’t seem like a good idea, so I tried to just go with the flow.  The kids all seemed glad that he joined the game.

It was bedtime when the cat got sick.  My husband was tired, and that’s never a good thing.  When he gets tired, it’s like having a little kid that gets tired.  You can’t reason with little kids when they’re tired, just try to get them to bed.  When my kids were little, I tried very hard to avoid ever having them out past bedtime.  When I’d see parents dragging hysterically crying toddlers around a mall or store, I’d want to say, “For pete’s sakes, get the poor kid home and into bed!”  Only I think it’s supposed to be different with adults.  In my husband’s case, his behavior gets overtly unpleasant rather quickly if he’s tired and feels he’s being put upon somehow.

Once I carried Tiger in, I called to my husband to ask him what he thought of Tiger’s condition, and put Tiger in his arms.   He set him down, and Tiger got in the litter box and had diarrhea.  Then Tiger stepped out of the box, and shook and threw up all over.  I confess that I was so worried about Tiger that I pulled out any trick I could think of.  You would have heard me telling my husband about how much Tiger loves him, how comforted Tiger must be to have him nearby when he was sick, and trying to persuade him that we should keep him inside for the night.

He was not at all happy with the gross stinky mess, and I don’t blame him, but he did the worst part of the clean up anyway, which I appreciated (and told him so).  I wondered why I felt like I needed to convince him that we needed to help Tiger, and why he initially seemed to unconcerned.  I did convince him that we should keep Tiger inside overnight, and thankfully he seems a bit better this morning.

When we finally crawled into bed, I felt alone and hopeless.  I quietly told him that it’s sad and lonely to be married to him.  I told him that I’m tired of wondering if and when he’s lying to me about something.  I told him that I hate living with his always having reasons to avoid intimacy, and the wondering if he’s secretly relieving himself. (That’s how he’s explained it before.  He’d say he had some pain ‘down there’ and did it for pain relief.)  I said that I didn’t understand why, if he behaves as though he doesn’t care about me or our relationship, that he doesn’t openly say so and give it up.  I told him I don’t understand why I can’t seem to leave him.  I almost asked him to please leave me, but I went to sleep instead.  I think he started to respond as I was falling asleep.  He said he didn’t want to give up. I didn’t care because I think his words don’t mean much to me anymore.  I’m not sure why I even said what I did to him, because I don’t think it will matter a whit.

I had a strange nightmare that woke me up early this morning.  I was working in a grocery store, and both my younger daughters were with me.  It was late evening, no customers, and dark outside.  Suddenly, some sirens starting going off, the kind of community sirens that warn of storms or disasters.  My oldest daughter showed up knocking on the glass.  She’d ridden a bike to the store.  I let her in, and she said, “Something really bad is about to happen.  We don’t have much time to prepare for it.”  I woke up as we were about to run around the store grabbing supplies to load in the car.

 

 

 

 

 

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17 Responses to Sick Tiger cat and a nightmare

  1. Exodus says:

    PJ’s,When a situation arises where a ‘loved’ one is in need, they retract immediately and detach. They are so self obsessed they can’t be open to give or to receive because they are empty shells living in a constant state of lack. They are completely unaware that they are always in a state of extreme protection and that they are cold selfish people. I know it’s rooted in fear but I don’t want to live with an empty, cold, defensive person. It requires too much energy all the time.

    Last weekend I had to get some things from the store and Norman wanted to ride with me so that he cold get some things for his lunches. I told him the budget and that I had made a list of things that we could share to save money. HUGE mistake!!! Once in the store, he started grabbing things without even looking at them and putting ridiculously expensive items in the cart ( 5 lbs of shrimp, expensive cheeses and breads) and also duplicating things that I was buying in an effort to bait me into a fight. When I asked him what he was planning to do with all that shrimp ( only because I didn’t want any and I knew he couldn’t freeze them) he blew up in the store and accused me of always wanting my way, never allowing him to have an opinion, etc.. I had been sick to my stomach all morning but now it was so bad that I needed a Coke. I found one on ice and was going to drink it but couldn’t get the metal cap off the bottle- turns out they required that we pay in advance of opening it so I asked Norman ( I was too sick and had no choice) if he would take my money to the cashier. He blew up at me in front of everyone and raised hell about having to do that. This is what assertiveness training does to PA people and obviously his therapist has no clue what she’s dealing with. I was shaking, crying and trying my best to get out of there as quickly as possible. The final purchase was Norman’s 9.00 magazine- Vegetarian Times. Who the heck would pay 9 dollars for a few recipes and a lot of ads when they don’t cook and besides the recipes are online. Norman did it to piss me off and waste our money as usual. I felt so bad that I didn’t care.

    While in the checkout, a little infant was in the cart in front of me and oh my gosh was he ever a beautiful delight- all smiles, giggles and such a delight. He put a big smile on my face and I was just in heaven. All my anxiety just melted away. His mom and dad were having trouble paying for the groceries and I was patient and so happy to be playing with their son. They walked out and it was our turn. At payment time, Norman started pulling out all our credit cards and asking which one to use. I showed him and he began arguing with me about why I was using ‘ that card’ in the checkout. I tried my best to ignore him and keep bagging. At the very end he even grabbed a large bag and shoved it down in the baby seat of the cart – even after I had told him not to since the food would break or get smashed. I panicked and tried lifting it back up but it was stuck and the cashier turned around and helped me lift it out.

    On the way out to the car, I noticed the family that was in front of us was still in the parking lot and I kept my focus on them and headed straight for my car which was parked next to their car. I got to my car and was making happy small talk with with the man who was taking a cigarette break outside of the car before they left and I went to open the hatchback on my car to put the groceries in and a horrible cramp hit my chest under my left breast. It was so intense and so sudden that I had no idea what was happening. I’ve never had anything like that before. I couldn’t breathe and I immediately dropped everything and began walking around another car. I wasn’t even aware of what I was doing. I think I was just trying to move and walk off that cramp. I heard Norman yell in his usual angry and ugly tone, ‘ What!,What NOW!!” and I kept walking. The man noticed that I was in trouble ( thank G-d) and he ran over and asked me if I was alright. I was breathing rapidly and unable to get my bearings. He put me down in the grass and shouted for Norman to call an ambulance. Norman just ignored him. I was crying at this point and told the man not to call Norman and that Norman isn’t any help. I told him I would be fine ( I didn’t believe that but..) and that I just needed to rest for a minute. The man stayed right with me. I don’t know what Norman was doing or even where he was. Probably sitting in the car waiting. Finally 20 minutes or so later, my breathing calmed and the man walked me back to my car and he was so nice. His wife, who had to stay with the baby was very concerned and she also tried to help. The man kept looking at Norman and then back at me with a very strange look as if he was wondering if we were related or not and then became extremely stern with Norman and demanded that he take me to a hospital right away. Norman just stood there, cold, unconcerned. He didn’t even say a word..not even a thank you. The man figured out that something was wrong between Norman and I and he said, ” I understand” and then said some prayer in Italian and made a cross in front of my body and he put me in the car and we left.

    No sooner than we pulled out of the parking lot, Norman began yelling at me about how I ignored him when he asked if I was alright ( a blatant f’n lie) and how I just kept looking at the man when the man came toward me to help me and ignoring him. He kept yelling and making up all sorts of justifications for his lack of concern and attention and of course began yelling at me about controlling everything we buy and not allowing him to make any choices. It was so truly insane, so evil and so ugly that I honestly thought about driving our car into a tree and just ending everything. Yes, I was driving. I have to drive because Norman will deliberately drive in a very reckless manner just to frighten me.

    I’m about ready to call Norman’s therapist and tell her that she doesn’t have a clue what kind of man she’s dealing with and that she’s causing Norman to escalate to such a degree that it’s endangering my life. That store experience is only the tip of the iceberg. Norman is losing it and I’ve never seen him this hyper-sadistic.

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    • lonelywife07 says:

      Exodus….why are you still there?? GO. Leave. NOW!! You’d be safer sleeping in your car! And if you cMt. For whatever reason…seriously….don’t go ANYWHERE with that loony fool again!! Stay away from him! I’m very afraid for you!!

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      • Exodus says:

        Lonely, I know it seems crazy that I’m still here but I have to be here to pack up my stuff and also, I can’t afford to rent a hotel room just to have a place to sleep. I won’t leave my things in this house while Norman still lives here. He would leave doors open to invite thieves in to steal my things or maybe he would accidentally burn the house down. Seriously. I can’t risk that. What I have is all I have to my name. Norman doesn’t live here all the time now. He’s only here a couple of nights during the week. My issue is that I”m trying to save money for rent on my new house and for moving expenses, etc.. and he’s doing everything he can to destroy our finances as usual. I also have the business stuff to contend with as well. I can’t just up and leave. The truth is that if I didn’t have the business with him, I would have left a long time ago but he can’t buy me out. He doesn’t have the money to do that. It’s all so complicated. I wish I were 21 years old with no assets and no balance sheet but I’m not.

        The store incident was yet another Divine thump on the head and I’ve learned my lesson.

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    • Seeing the Light says:

      Exodus, please be careful. I have already read Lonely’s reply and your response so I won’t repeat all she said (though I would 🙂 ). I know you learned your lesson, but I am worried about you. I know you are, too, to be saying that his escalation is endangering your life. If there is any way to leave without having all your ducks in a row, I hope you will take it. I know the obstacles. I just want you to know I care and want you to escape with your life even if with nothing else. I am so glad you had that beautiful family sent to support you and bless you at just the right time. You are not alone. (((Hugs))).

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      • Exodus says:

        I’m always between a rock and a hard place Seeing. I don’t have anyone to help me- no girlfriends, no boyfriends. If I get a job, I can’t tell them to wait a month for me to pack up and suddenly relocate. I’ve got to be ready to go. I’ve also got to be ready to get a house where that job is. I just want to load my truck and go. The other thing is that I can’t afford to absorb all the moving expense at once. I’m spending hundreds of dollars each week just in boxes, bubble wrap and tape and replacing items that I’m leaving here. I hate living here, I hate being here, I hate living in this mess but I can’t come up with any better solution. I can’t leave Norman here alone just yet because he will absolutely do me in financially if I do so I”m trying to change passwords, get different security on accounts, etc.. I don’t want to move and then have him cut me off and I end up evicted. It’s all so f’n complicated Seeing. It’s all about timing. I’m doing the best I can with the few options I’ve got. I was so upset last weekend at that store that I almost contacted my mom. G-d help me. It’s like going from Norman to Norwoman. I know what I”m dealing with…it’s become so very clear to me that Norman is much sicker than I ever imagined. The depth of his pathology is surfacing because I’m not managing it and his therapist is stirring the pot. I feel like the victim of a voodoo doll.

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      • Exodus says:

        Seeing, I meant to tell you. Went to Norman’s FB page and discovered that his so called, ‘ good friend’ – the Bible thumper with the degree in Psychology is actually a weirdo psycho. This is the guy that gave Norman a Bible a few years ago and Norman always spoke so highly of him and recently used his psychology degree as ammo against me in a few of our feuds. Anyway this Christian guy has photos of mutilated animals on his page and every other word written in his posts is a lewd curse word and he writes weird violent immature things. Evil? I think so.

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    • AlonewithGod says:

      Sounds like you had an anxiety attack, Exodus. Your husband is such a freak. I realize you are making plans and setting everything up. Just please don’t let your guard down when he’s present. The verbal abuse is occurring now with lots of witnesses and that’s a bad sign. He’s at a desperate point in my opinion. Never heard of therapy making things so dramatically worse!! The recent threatening too when he put his fist close to your face is proof he’s losing it. Has he ever actually hit you before? Stay alert, take good care of yourself–why don’t you have a close friend, support system, support group, etc??AND if he gets physical, have his a– arrested immediately!! That’s the ONLY reason my ex never hit me; he was terrified of going to jail.

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      • Exodus says:

        Alone,
        Thanks for caring and sharing.

        Oh yeah, the ‘ terrified of going to jail ‘ thing……these men are so spineless.

        So you think it was an anxiety attack? I’ve never experienced those symptoms before. The thing is that at the time it happened, I was making happy small talk with the man while pushing my cart to the car. It just hit me like someone clobbered me with a bat over my left rib. I did a little research and discovered that in women, my symptoms were indicative of a heart attack- nauseas, cramp/charlie horse under breast, jaw pain. Women need to be aware that our symptoms are not the same as men. I took some nattokinase ( better than aspirin) and I’ve been taking that every day twice a day and feel better.

        Norman doesn’t hit me. He’s too much of coward to do that and besides, he knows I’ll have him arrested. I’ve already had the police remove him from the house twice. I think the fist your talking about was the night I hit him with the remote but that’s the only time he’s done that. Interesting though that Norman has always had a habit of making a fist with his left hand and holding it with his right hand up to his face anytime his anger is getting triggered. It’s a bizarre thing to observe and he’s been doing this since he was a child ( his father told me). I learned to pay attention to it because anytime I asked him to do something or he would be nice to someone, he would make the fist and I knew that he would be following up with his PA punishment.

        Therapy can definitely make things worse for anyone married to a PA person if the counselor doesn’t know what they are dealing with. Norman’s therapist is giving him assertiveness training without addressing his underlying anger which translates into him becoming an assertive angry man which equals : Aggressive. He’s turned into a monster. Norman isn’t trying to get better. He has absolutely no clue that he’s sick. I could show him and tell him how he hurts me until the day I die but he just doesn’t get it and never will.

        Alone, one of the symptoms of being abused is that the victims end up isolated from any network of friends, coworkers, family, etc.. This is actually one of the most common indicators of abuse and it’s the most difficult thing for me to accept about myself. Not only did I withdraw from friends due to shame but mainly because Norman created such negative drama relating to my friends and family and even my job that I couldn’t handle it and frankly, neither could my friends. Norman will verbally attack me in public places or social functions with very curt and arrogant comments that make other people very uneasy. They finally quit inviting us- who the heck wants to invite an angry man to a party? I quit going to Church because that too created a lot of negative drama in our home and I feared getting so involved that people would find out about my life. I always have to keep everyone at a distance. My job was a source of resentment and Norman used it against me too so I never made close friends with anyone from work and I never socialized with anyone outside of work. The other issue Alone is that I look horrible and I don’t feel like myself. I’m afraid that someone who knew me will see me and it’s so humiliating. The last time my mother was here , I guess in Dec 11, she even noticed and commented on how run-down and unkempt I looked. Norman and I have been self employed for years which doesn’t help and to make matters worse, he made it impossible for me to do my work or work with him and hence, I ended up being isolated from my own company. He has manipulated everything in our lives to make himself the center of attention, the hero, the hard worker, the only one with a social life and Alone, I have no idea what he does during the day or even who his friends are. A few weeks ago I was going to take some tomatoes over to one of our neighbors on my way to the store. Norman got so angry at me and insisted that HE take them over. I didn’t let him. I knew what he was doing. He’s always trying to make himself look like the sweet thoughtful guy and me the abusive nut-case.

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        • AlonewithGod says:

          I am really glad you are feeling better, Exodus. I am sorry and I do care about your situation. The way I stayed healthy and happy was to have a vibrant outgoing life independent of my husband. Can you try to start reaching out to real people? Can you get back in church and get involved? That’s what the Body of Christ is for: to love one another and lift each other up especially in times of distress. Yes, you are ashamed, but it is NOT YOUR FAULT. You are married to a monster.

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          • Exodus says:

            Alone, I’m leaving the area altogether. I’ve got to rebuild my entire life from ground zero. I have a counselor at the women’s shelter and she’s the only one that I talk to at the moment. I really don’t want to get involved in anything or with anyone here since I’m leaving. This is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do in my life. My hair is even turning gray!

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          • Exodus says:

            Alone, it seems that I spoke too soon and G-d wasn’t satisfied with my deciding to stay away from my Church. You’re not going to believe what happened to me today. I bid on a pan on Ebay, discovered that I won it this morning and then when I was about to pay for it, discovered that the seller was living not far from me. We made arrangements this morning to meet locally and exchange money and pan. Turns out that she’s the new associate minister at my old Church and so, guess what? She’s now helping me. I simply cannot believe the trail that my life is following some days.

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            • AlonewithGod says:

              Well, praise the Lord! How creative of God to work for you like that!! He knew you did not really feel like reaching out. Love it!! Thank you very much for sharing this amazing news!!

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  2. wornout says:

    Gosh, PJs, that does not sound like a very good night 😦 I am always impressed with your inate desire to help those around you, including animals. It really shows what a kind, giving person you are. It struck me in your post when you mentioned your husband’s response about helping the friend with the computer problem. Oh my gosh, yes, why are they sometimes so completely unwilling to help, and then we always get punished because they are mad they had to help. But then sometimes when they are “on” they will go overboard helping someone with something. Maybe it’s just when we are connected in some way to it that they don’t want to help and are resentful. On sunday during church, the room where the women were meeting started to smell like smoke and like an electrical burning smell. The ladies were trying to figure out who to go to ask for help. My husband is an electrician and super good at figuring things out. I sat there and thought to myself, how sad that i can’t go get my husband to help. I’ve learned my lesson one to many times aboout what a jerk he can be in situations like that. The ladies found another man who was an electrician and they got the problem figured out. Talk about us loosing respect for our guys when we can’t even count on them to be consistently helpful and nice to other people. And Exodus, holy cow, that is some messed up stuff going on! He sounds like he has some major problems. Gheesh. It’s crazy, he’s crazy. 😦

    Liked by 2 people

    • Exodus says:

      Wornout, to the rest of the world, these men appear to be very generous, thoughtful and kind and that’s because they are ( with others that are completely separate from us) and that’s because they have to be in order to receive their narcissistic supply of attention and admiration. As screwed up as these men are, they are not stupid and they instinctively know what to do to make themselves appear worthy in order to survive. It’s all about making themselves feel good and they don’t consider us or any of our friends or associates any part of that equation. Since I’ve been with Norman, I’ve felt as if I’m in competition with Norman and his ‘ friends’. I mean that Norman creates that division of me vs them. If there is a hurricane, he won’t help me but he’ll help a stranger. He’s never had anyone in his life that I would want as a friend. Like your husband, I could never ask Norman to offer his professional services to help someone. He only gives when he needs a fix and when it’s convenient. Always on his terms. Even crazier is that he chooses the most unworthy people to give to. I don’t mean that to sound like I only give to certain people. What I mean is that I discern and I don’t give to people who will take advantage of my service and use it in a way that indirectly or directly harms others in some way. I’m screwed up too in a codependent way though because even though I’ve learned to discern and use my resources wisely, I gave to an abusive husband all those years. I won’t anymore though. I’m done.

      I listened to a really good sermon this morning on the TV and the minister talked about humility vs. narcissism and he equated narcissism with sinning and it’s intimate relationship with evil. He talked about how everyone sins but that while some of us suffer humility and want to rectify our mistakes, there are others that are so cowardly and shame-based that they become self absorbed and live through their anger and need to bring everyone down to their level in an effort to make themselves appear alright. The minister said that choosing to bring others down is easier for them because evil always chooses the easy way of denial rather because evil has no self worth. These evil people cater to meaningless and destructive relationships while neglecting the important people in their lives because they have nothing to give from the heart and they can’t recognize sincere love and compassion from others. These angry people must find others to convert in order for them to feel that they belong. The minister used the example of how an alcoholic will try to convert his only sober friend into becoming like him because it’s easier than wanting to elevate his own character. Norman has a lot of people in his life every day that he talks about like they are friends and it makes him sound popular and well-liked and respected. I know that they are not true friends but this gives him the proof he needs to justify that he’s not a bad man and continue treating me as badly as he does.

      I wanted to note that when any relationship with the narcissist shifts and begins to have significance and hence, require more emotional investment, they will perceive it as a threat. When Norman started therapy a few weeks ago, he was elated, overjoyed with his therapist. He talked about how nice she was, how she was so helpful. This past week, he stopped by Monday night after his session and was a mean ugly man. He made the comment that he needs to change therapists. The reason is that she kept asking him what he wants and he couldn’t answer her. He said that she was too demanding and impatient and that she was screwed up and in therapy with her own therapist. 4 or 5 weeks ago, he liked that about her. He perceived her as an easy vulnerable target. Now, he perceives her as a threat. C’est la vie. This is just the way it is and always will be with these men.

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  3. AlonewithGod says:

    PJ’s, I truly feel your pain; relate very much to your situation. I think we keep trying to have meaningful communication because its more painful/defeatist not to. If we stop trying to connect and give up, that is somehow worse than being met with disinterest, opposition, anger, etc. I hung on because I kept thinking of 1Cor, chap 13-the love chapter: Love bears all things, love never demands its own way, love never keeps an account of wrongs done; love is patient and kind.
    I kept thinking God did not want me to leave him-it would not be right because this is the husband I have. There is no other husband. He is the one I chose. Understand what I mean? Sometimes my ex would ask me why don’t I leave and that’s what I told him. Then God removed him by having HIM leave our home, Pretty shocking for me. That’s really out of character for a PA man but he is mainly an abuser. He found another female supplier-someone who he has no negative experiences with–yet. So there is always hope, hope and more hope. And God’s grace is sufficient for you.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Exodus says:

      Alone, I had to laugh at your quoting the Bible verse from Corinthians. Oh bless your dear heart. Shortly after Norman and I married and I began feeling the weight of his PA abuse, I bought him a cup with that verse on it. I made him beautiful book marks for his books with verses from that same chapter. So, I too, went through a period where I was reading the Bible verses in an attempt to elevate my character and rise above the abuse and ride it out. I don’t see anything wrong with that but, in hindsight, realize that there really wasn’t any love on his end and also that it takes two people who know how to love to save a marriage- not one 😦 Oh well, as you point out, G-d’s wisdom works through the adversity in our lives and if we keep an open heart and mind to receive His wisdom, things will work out.

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