Staying strong

Every day I live with two men.  One is immature, resentful, spiteful, deceitful, and hurtful.  The other is funny,  works and helps,  is smart, interesting, and can be sweet.  When the good smiling man walks in the room, the hug is sweet.  When the sneaky aggressive man is around, it’s like having murky septic fumes in the room.  No wonder it’s crazy making.

I can’t change him.  I can barely (with God’s help) make the changes I strive to reach for myself. 

I’m trying to stick to a timeline that’s best for me and my kids.

If he repents during this window of time, I’ll be unbelievably thankful.

I will not let this beat me. I won’t. I’m going to focus on my goals. God is my shield and shelter.

I expect I’ll have some bad days.

I’m going to proactively plan to have more good ones.

Today is good so far.  Three bins sorted and donated before breakfast.  Kitchen cleaned up twice.  Held strong during the work project management meeting.  Refused to be steamrolled over a purchase that can wait (although realistically I can expect him to possibly get it and later say that I said we should… this comes with the territory)  Dinner is planned.  The sun’s shining!

Ready to teach my daughter, and if I get exercise in, I’ll call this a successful day. 

Lonely, but successful.  Today I have hope.

 

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5 Responses to Staying strong

  1. Exodus says:

    You’re cleaning out the unnecessary clutter, simplifying and examining the elements of your life while you do it. It’s a great sign that you have that resolve within you. Keep feeding that and don’t look back PJ’s. It’s all part of the process of healing yourself and preparing the least traumatic exit. Take all the time you need and be calm and quiet and steady as you do it and keep almost constant thoughts of what your new house, new friends, new town, will look like. My dreams are very beautiful and peaceful and full of sunshine ( I hope my imagination isn’t getting so carried away that I end up disappointed). I wrote on Lonely’s blog about the importance of calm and quiet. Don’t under estimate those words. Trying to move and sort through things with tension and tempers flaring is just too much!!! I wish I had a portable IV of valium hinged at my hip most days. I don’t like packing when I feel rushed and panicked. One box at a time, each item carefully wrapped and documented. Slowly but surely one day I’ll be free.

    Thought you might be interested in watching these videos on youtube ( in case you haven’t seen them already) . There are three videos by Melanie Tonia Evans about how N abuse affects our brains, keeps us in these relationships for so long how it sets us up for repeated patterns in our lives. The third video isn’t worth watching really but the first two are very helpful:

    Liked by 1 person

  2. paescapee says:

    It sounds as though you have some detachment- you are standing back and watching the drama and not becoming so involved. I really think that is the first step to your new life- when you realise that the craziness is not a part of you, but belongs to him. I respect your strength and wish you well.

    Like

  3. GainingStrength says:

    “I can barely (with God’s help) make the changes I strive to reach for myself.” I thought I would have a smoother time with recovery from the abuse. It seems I make strides in changing myself, only to find myself questioning myself once again. Others will say something that reminds me and I’m back to doubting myself and just holding on. It’s horrible, it’s such an emotional roller coaster ride. It’s mind numbing, totally mind numbing. I know I’ll survive, I know this. Intellectually I know this, spiritually I know this, but emotionally? I didn’t realize his abuse went so deep in my psyche.

    I know it will take time, but I didn’t know it would be such painful, emotional time. I’m striving to forgive him. I could say the words, but I know I wouldn’t mean them. So much hurt, so much destruction, just so much. I know with God’s help I will get there, but for now I try not to hate him. I have my good days and bad days. This last week just seems to be a stinker, hard to shake it. :/

    This sounds so dark and sad, but I know I will eventually shake the darkness away. The internal battle is exhausting. Emotions tire you out. 🙂 The self-doubts can bring you to a complete stop. Of course, menopause trouble sleeping doesn’t help either. 😀 I know when this is all over and my life has settled into a “normal” routine, I will look up at the sun and just stretch out my arms, smile and say “thank you God.” He’ll know what I mean.

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    • Exodus says:

      Gaining, I hear ya. I feel for ya.
      I think it’s normal to question everything- especially while things are still so difficult for us and everything is so new and different. Adapting is tough. Once you begin replacing the negative thoughts and experiences with new happy ones, you won’t question and doubt as much. You could try creating your very own daily traditions like having tea every day at a certain time or having dinner with a friend one night a week on the same day. Those commitments really do help us heal and learn to trust again.

      I think it’s also perfectly normal to feel as you do about forgiveness and I actualy believe that G-d wouldn’t want us to forgive until we can do that with a sincere heart. It takes time to reach that point but I know that you will eventually. Forgiveness isn’t about forgiving what your husband did but rather forgiving the broken human man and allowing him to carry the burden of his mistakes all by himself. How he chooses to amend them is his business and just between he and G-d.

      Speaking of menopause..MEN O Pause. Such irony, eh? Since when is this a woman’s issue? It seems to me that it’s the men who turn into raging maniacs when they hit midlife and they wreck families and drive everyone that loved them crazy. Norman was always troubled but man, when he turned the big 50, he turned into a very mean monster. He’s so vain! Norman couldn’t handle being a woman with cellulite, flabby arms, flabby knees, wrinkles gray hairs and no one even shooting him a single glance when he walks into the room. Norman is lucky to be a guy..there’s always some hot young babe waiting for ‘ daddy’ to come along. One positive about being overweight in menopause is that I have enough fat on my bones to store enough estrogen to keep me mostly symptom free through menopause. The worst part of my menopause is Norman.

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    • Exodus says:

      Gaining, just watched this and while any of us could relate to this song, I thought especially of you in light of your recent post about forgiveness. 😀 :

      Like

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