A simple thing

One of the greatest things about starting this blog has been discovering and reading the blogs of other people.  I’ve always felt that each person is a story, and so life is like a giant, unending and fascinating book.  I’m still figuring out how to navigate the blog world.  I have no idea when I read the post of another person if they’re well followed, established, new, famous, or infamous.  It’s like closing my eyes, and opening a giant book at a random spot, putting my finger on a page, and then opening my eyes to start reading at whatever sentence I’m pointing at. 

Some of the blogs I’m following have nothing to do with recovery from passive aggressive abuse, but they have everything to do with Life.  I read posts that bring tears, bust an audible laugh, or make me stop, stare, and think deeply.  Often I want to share those with the readers here, at least in the form of accessibility.

I say to myself, “PJ, you should really fix and update some things on the homepage.  It’s probably a simple thing.  You just need to Add Resources with clicky links, and show which blogs you follow (etc. etc.).  A simple thing.”

Then I think to myself… I should... and an invisible hand reaches briefly and softly sweeps within the space of me, touching tentatively as it feels for the energy required, for some spark of extra resources that I can take to the task.  Such a simple thing.  I should be able to think clearly, focus and figure out what I need to do.  That hand comes back holding only a silent reproach that I try to excuse myself for.  Promises for later.  Maybe tomorrow. 

What happened to the person who used to take on new tasks and view them as an enjoyable interesting challenge?  To the teenager who was undaunted when asked to help order and stock a brand new little general store on a resort?  The eighteen year old who was told by the new resort builder/owners that they wanted to book a ‘name’ for their opening weekend to sing, and in the days of no internet, she still found the way to contact and book that singer?  Where’s the mother who helped create and launch a private school?  The once above average amateur photographer that traded photography for private school tuition for a few of her kids?  The woman who felt no fear to drive fourteen hundred miles alone and find a new house to rent?  Where’s the little girl that crawled fearlessly into a dark huge tank of sludge to free a plugged drain for her father?  Where’s the young mother that took a day seminar for actors just for fun (with no experience), and after performing with a random partner, was asked by the teacher from the Screen Actor’s Guild where she’d received her training?  Where’s that crazy fun loving kid that climbed trees to read books (even through high school), and thought nothing of hanging upside down from a branch?  That girl walked up to a strange horse and persuaded it to let her ride without saddle or reins for awhile.  When that girl ran in track meets, she was the anchor in the relay race, even though she was not quite as fast as the starting runner.  She was the anchor because if her team was falling behind, it made her run even faster. 

I can’t find her.  She’s like a faded memory from a book I read long ago.

This entry was posted in covert abuse, depression, emotional abuse, loss of self, passive aggressive. Bookmark the permalink.

6 Responses to A simple thing

  1. DotedOn says:

    Your wings will grow back. Have faith 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Exodus says:

    She’s not gone. She’s just dormant. Once you begin to tend to her and nurture her in the proper conditions, she will blossom once again.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Exodus says:

    BTW, I like your blog and I’m impressed that you even accomplished this much. I tried to start a blog a few years ago but gave up on trying to set it up and keep up with it. I couldn’t remember my password and how to navigate it. I never knew if I was looking at the viewer page or my page. So cheers to you and the others who have blogs!

    Liked by 1 person

  4. paescapee says:

    She’s just underneath the exhaustion of dealing with a PA man. I have been amazed at the time and energy I have now that I am divorced. Even when he was being pleasant, I was always on edge, which uses up energy. I even sleep soundly now- I was even anxious in my sleep. I’m sure your essence can be found again if you give yourself some nurture.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. aconblogger says:

    It’s not just depression. It seems to me that you are a Highly Sensitive Person, just by your use of the term, Collective Unconscious, on Takingthemaksoff’s blog and are feeling the tides of humanity turn for the worse. Perhaps this isn’t a conscious thought, but a feeling of sorts which keeps you from taking the next step. Having suffered abuse doesn’t help either. My blog is all over that topic. I do the same thing. I always put things off. I admit that I am depressed and I attribute my condition to many things. Odd thing is that I recently read that scientists have found via some kind of brain-scan, the areas of the brain affected by depression but they cannot, with all the equipment, drugs, trials, technology and so on, figure out WHY. Seems so silly. I envision all these geeky guys in white lab coats carrying around clipboards looking at monitors and equipment hooked up to a human, whom they ignore completely. It’s absurd! If they would just sit down with these people and ask them what’s going on in their lives, how they perceive the world – talk to them, they might figure it out. No machines or diagnostics are going to explain the root cause of depression and thereby design yet another pill to stop it. The problem lies not within the depressed people, but the world and humanity’s rampant and yes, socially-acceptable, apathy. Apathy hurts the empath. It actually requires a great deal of Narcissistic Personality Disorder to make enough money to affect change in this world and what narcissist cares about such things anyway? Seems hopeless, eh?

    That’s why I’m depressed. It’s not an organic brain dysfunction that can be altered by pills. Humanity is on the brink of extinction by its own hand. That realization is enough to make anyone depressed. Add some child abuse to the mix and you have a psychiatric patient. Sad. So, as far as I can tell, the only, “cure,” for depression is to hide one’s head in the sand. At least that way we won’t see the bomb headed for our rears. I don’t condone this but if one cannot stand the truth and stand for it, then one must do what one must do for self-preservation. Sometimes, I just have to curl-up on the couch and watch TV for a few days – do nothing. I’m paralyzed by it all. Sometimes I write.

    Keep blogging and don’t worry about those out there who are trying to garner as much traffic as possible, competing with them. Do what heals your soul. It’s the only thing you take with you when you go. Most of them are freak-shows and the readers are just watching the show for entertainment. I, for one, am more about spending the rest of my days vacillating between staying alive and adding some evolutionary thoughts to the collective unconscious. Be well.


  6. Newshoes says:

    Your still all there PJ but you buried her to protect her. I’ve done the same but I’m back and boy does it ever feel great. Do what u can to lure her back to the surface. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

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