The empty bucket

Have you ever heard someone talk about filling their bucket?  When they’re tired and drained, they might say that their bucket is dry or empty.  Every now and then when my friend calls me, depending on how she hears my voice sounding, she might ask me, “Are you bucketing?”  Bucketing means Empty Bucket Alert.

It means that we all need to be nurtured, replenished, watered, fed, and cared for so that we have energy to ‘do’, and energy to give.  We draw from the bucket to do that.  It makes sense.  I know that while no man is an island, that healthy self love and care can go a long way to filling a bucket.  I’m responsible for my own bucket.  Taking care of yourself because you believe that you’re worth it, would mean that the bucket maintenance runs on auto pilot.  I understand all this in my head, and I try to be responsible for my own bucket, while also being aware of the good stuff that interdependence can bring.

The problem I have is that while I’m trying to be responsible for my own happiness and well-being, I’m married to a passive aggressive man who seems to poke holes in my bucket.  Yes, yes he might rub my feet.  That’s such a nice thing to do, isn’t it?  But even that is getting much harder to get any comfort from.  I love being touched.  I get touch deprivation if I can’t hug and touch with people I love.  Even so, lately when my husband touches me at all, my entire body starts to react with stress and tension.  My heart races and my muscles tense.  How sad is that?  Even while he’s doing something nice (like rubbing my feet), I can’t help thinking of a recent interaction in which I felt entirely uncared for or completely disrespected or disregarded.  Build with one hand and tear down with the other.  Pour some water in her bucket, and jab a hole in it so it leaks, or push her so it spills.  Sabotage.

Today I feel just tired again.  Tired of feeling lonely.  I’m trying to force myself through sheer willpower to set goals for today, and then reach them.  It just feels hard to care about it. 
But I see the sun is out and shining.  Goal: Soak some of it up on a short walk later.

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This entry was posted in abusive husband, abusive marriage, Christian marriage, covert abuse, loneliness, passive aggressive, passive aggressive husband, PTSD. Bookmark the permalink.

5 Responses to The empty bucket

  1. paescapee says:

    I can imagine that if you’re trying to manage your life with everything you put in your bucket pouring out the sides as quick as you put it in, then that feels futile and exhausting. That is a lovely and very visual analogy, thank you (if that is the right word!). Hope you’ve had a good day in which to nurture yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Exodus says:

    That’s right PJ’s…we have too many holes in our bucket- what a great way to describe our dilemma.

    I know you’re familiar with the nursery rhyme ( about a negative PA man no doubt..hahahah) I get exhausted just reading it!

    From Wiki:
    The song is based on a dialogue about a leaky bucket between two characters, called Henry and Liza. The song describes a deadlock situation: Henry has got a leaky bucket, and Liza tells him to repair it. But to fix the leaky bucket, he needs straw. To cut the straw, he needs a knife. To sharpen the knife, he needs to wet the sharpening stone. To wet the stone, he needs water. However, when Henry asks how to get the water, Liza’s answer is “in a bucket”. It is implied that only one bucket is available – the leaky one, which, if it could carry water, would not need repairing in the first place.

    There’s a hole in the bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza,
    There’s a hole in the bucket,
    dear Liza, a hole.

    Then fix it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
    Then fix it, dear Henry
    Dear Henry, fix it.

    With what shall I fix it, dear Liza, dear Liza?
    With what shall I fix it,
    dear Liza, with what?

    With a straw, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
    With a straw, dear Henry
    Dear Henry, with a straw.

    The straw is too long, dear Liza, dear Liza,
    The straw is too long,
    dear Liza, too long,

    Then cut it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
    Then cut it, dear Henry,
    dear Henry, cut it.

    With what shall I cut it, dear Liza, dear Liza?
    With what shall I cut it,
    dear Liza, with what?

    With a knife, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
    With a knife, dear Henry, dear Henry, with a knife.

    The knife is too dull, dear Liza, dear Liza,
    The knife is too dull,
    dear Liza, too dull.

    Then sharpen it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry
    Then sharpen it, dear Henry,
    dear Henry, sharpen it.

    On what shall I sharpen it, dear Liza, dear Liza?
    On what shall I sharpen it,
    dear Liza, on what?

    On a stone, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
    On a stone, dear Henry,
    dear Henry, a stone.

    The stone is too dry, dear Liza, dear Liza,
    The stone is too dry,
    dear Liza, too dry.

    Then wet it, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
    Then wet it, dear Henry,
    dear Henry, wet it.

    With what shall I wet it, dear Liza, dear Liza?
    With what shall I wet it,
    dear Liza, with what?

    try water, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
    try water, dear Henry,
    dear Henry, water.

    In what shall I fetch it, dear Liza, dear Liza?
    In what shall I fetch it,
    dear Liza, in what?

    In the bucket, dear Henry, dear Henry, dear Henry,
    In the bucket, dear Henry,
    dear Henry, a bucket.

    But there’s a hole in my bucket, dear Liza, dear Liza,
    There’s a hole in my bucket,
    dear Liza, a hole.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Jane D. says:

    Yes, I have thought that about my husband too. My bucket is empty and he’s still trying to get something out of it!

    Also realized last week that I get edgy when he walks in the door. I can feel my stress level rising. I think I will focus on trying to improve that situation.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. newshoes123 says:

    PJ, it’s not easy being married to a pa person and trying to stay sane. Seriously, just the sheer exhaustion from dealing with them is enough to empty your bucket constantly. I like this comment of yours: ” I get touch deprivation if I can’t hug and touch with people I love.” It’s been several months since I left my pah, the first few months were torture, I wanted to reach out and touch him and give him love but I knew that it would mean me going back to him so I abstained and it was hell. I found other ways to give love, like the extra hugs and kisses I give my kids, I pet my dog more, I hug my friends more and I cry now too where as before I wouldn’t allow myself. I let people see me as the human feeling person that I am and I allow people to touch me if they want too. It’s been wonderful and it won’t replace what I lost with my pah ever but it’s enough and even more than I had before. I am able to fill my bucket with the words and hugs and affection I get from others. I wish the same for you dear PJ, because you deserve it.

    Like

  5. Jane Thorne says:

    ❤ xXx

    Like

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