Have you ever heard someone talk about filling their bucket? When they’re tired and drained, they might say that their bucket is dry or empty. Every now and then when my friend calls me, depending on how she hears my voice sounding, she might ask me, “Are you bucketing?” Bucketing means Empty Bucket Alert.
It means that we all need to be nurtured, replenished, watered, fed, and cared for so that we have energy to ‘do’, and energy to give. We draw from the bucket to do that. It makes sense. I know that while no man is an island, that healthy self love and care can go a long way to filling a bucket. I’m responsible for my own bucket. Taking care of yourself because you believe that you’re worth it, would mean that the bucket maintenance runs on auto pilot. I understand all this in my head, and I try to be responsible for my own bucket, while also being aware of the good stuff that interdependence can bring.
The problem I have is that while I’m trying to be responsible for my own happiness and well-being, I’m married to a passive aggressive man who seems to poke holes in my bucket. Yes, yes he might rub my feet. That’s such a nice thing to do, isn’t it? But even that is getting much harder to get any comfort from. I love being touched. I get touch deprivation if I can’t hug and touch with people I love. Even so, lately when my husband touches me at all, my entire body starts to react with stress and tension. My heart races and my muscles tense. How sad is that? Even while he’s doing something nice (like rubbing my feet), I can’t help thinking of a recent interaction in which I felt entirely uncared for or completely disrespected or disregarded. Build with one hand and tear down with the other. Pour some water in her bucket, and jab a hole in it so it leaks, or push her so it spills. Sabotage.
Today I feel just tired again. Tired of feeling lonely. I’m trying to force myself through sheer willpower to set goals for today, and then reach them. It just feels hard to care about it.
But I see the sun is out and shining. Goal: Soak some of it up on a short walk later.