Alone with him

A couple days ago, I had a pretty good day as far as getting good stuff accomplished.  In fact, every day this week has been decent.  It was a very productive day of tutoring, and my daughter is making fantastic progress.  Cooked up a big stir fry.  Did some laundry. But I was so lonely.  I just kept trying to do the right thing, but I struggled because I felt alone.  I also wanted to be seen, to be appreciated for who I am, to be enjoyed as a person. By evening, I kept wishing for that miracle.  I wished that the man I was married to would walk in the room with a caring smile, a look that said he was thankful I was in his life, a look that said he was hoping to be close to the wife he (says that he) loves. 

It wasn’t that look when he came in the room.  It was a look of obligatory interest and concern.  A look that let me know there will be distance again.  The look that precedes hearing how tired he is.  The look I see before he asks me in this barely aggrieved tone if I’m ready to go to bed.  It’s the way he asks.  Not in the sweet way, a comfortable connection that would lead to at least peacefully holding each other before sleeping.  It’s a tone that sounds strained, and tips me off that resentment is either there already, or waiting for me to give it a reason to be there. 

And that’s what I’ve always been used to.  It felt so horrible when I was younger.  The despair and pain I felt in those years felt torturous.  My emotions twisted, paced, and ran circles in what I perceived as the cage of my life that I could never leave.  Now by the time that I realize I can get out, not only my body is unwell, but my very mind and being feels bruised and bent by the years. 

That night (like other nights), I just wanted to be loved.  I wanted to give love.  I wanted physical intimacy.  I craved and longed for it.  But instead I saw his expression and relived once more that sick moment when I knew that my evening would end in lonely frustration.  I felt tears and anger, like a deja vu wave from the past that was knocking me off my feet.  I expressed my frustration and anger and loneliness to him.  He responded that he didn’t feel well, that I don’t care about how he feels, or care when he feels sick.  I replied that he’s been sick since he was twenty two years old, and should see a doctor.  Maybe that wasn’t nice, but he seems healthy enough all the rest of the time. 

That didn’t go well.  I didn’t expect it to.  But I didn’t care.  I cared about giving myself a voice for it.

The next day he started to say he was sorry, and I forced myself to listen.  I told him that if he was really sorry, he’d actually come out in the evening and sit by me and talk to me.

So tonight he did that.  I almost hate it, because it feels like I’m Charlie Brown running at the football again, and I don’t want to.  I have to go back there to our room and process this and try to sleep.  I’m telling myself it’s nothing, just one of those occasional efforts he makes, but somewhere deep inside is the tiniest flicker of wishing there could be a different ending.  Maybe only Grinches grow hearts, not passive aggressive men.

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6 Responses to Alone with him

  1. GainingStrength says:

    My abuser would “do” what I complained about (I call it telling him what I need and what hurts me, he calls it complaining)…ONCE…and if he didn’t get the response/praise/reaction he wanted…..back to the “normal”. Okay, you caught me, sometimes he would try maybe 2-3 days, that’s really pushing it, but I want to be fair. 😀

    He could have all the bad days, sick days, just off days he wanted, he was entitled. I on the other hand could expect to be resented and ignored on my off days, but I was expected to cater/take care of him, otherwise again the silent treatment, the angry looks, sighs, shaking of the head, etc.

    The end is near for me….and then FREEDOM. I will rarely have to see him or hear his voice. 😀 Oh happy day! 😀

    Regarding growing hearts, you have to believe your heart needs growth and only then can you nurture and grow it. My abuser thinks he’s just a normal guy. LOL 😀 His heart is fine all hardened and empty.

    Like

    • newshoes123 says:

      It almost seems like they want you to reject them back. When I was ill and it was very seldom, he would make a comment about wanting to have sex. I asked him one day, “is it because you want to be rejected, obviously you see that I am not well, then when I want it you reject me – what gives”. You know what happened, nothing. He turned around and ignored me for days lollll

      Like

    • Exodus says:

      ..Oh happy day 😀

      Of course they do what makes us unhappy! The goal of a PA is to get us to express THEIR anger. What a miserable way to live.

      Like

  2. newshoes123 says:

    Once again, you’re so articulate and have been able to put into words everything I’ve been feeling for so many years. ” The despair and pain I felt in those years felt torturous.” As a young wife, I tried to hard to do what I could to make my man happy, just like you ran around in circles, guessing at what he needed because he coulnd’t / wouldn’t express it. In despair I would cling to him and beg him to talk to me, to tell me what he needed only to be met with a look is disgust and restraint. I am naturally a very loving person, always have been, I cried and cried and begged and begged to let me love him. Once the children came, he became jealous of all the attention they got and I thought he wants me to love him, to be affectionate with him but he would reject me, it was confusing and I just kept thinking he must hate me, kept asking myself why I wasn’t lovable, why he had even married me, why he stayed with me at all!! I grasped at possibilities and the few times I actually did feel love from him were excrutiating moments because in the back of my mind, I knew I would have to pay for being intimate or close with him. And of course, I did in many ways. We would become intimate and the very next day, I would become his enemy. It felt like I was having casual sex with my husband who had become in those moments, a perfect stranger. I long for the day when I can fully love someone who will welcome it, who will cherish it and who will reciprocate it unconditionally. I won’t settle for anything less.

    PJ, at this point in your life, don’t you think it’s time to get what you deserve instead of “waiting/hoping” for something from someone who clearly cannot love you the way he should? It’s been over 30 years girl, time to think of you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Hello my friend,
    Sad to say I can relate to wanting the emotion from the person you are married to. I also understand that over time and illness leaving becomes harder. Make you life the best you can for you. Find something that fills your soul. There is a way to have happiness even if not from the one we want. My thoughts are with you. Hugs.

    Like

  4. Jane Thorne says:

    ❤ xX

    Like

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