Yesterday morning, IF my husband hadn’t caused that drama, I imagine what would have happened would have been a normal conversation later, the kind of communication that seeks to avoid it happening again. My best guess is that his getting reactive and creating that unnecessary destructive drama was a backlash over the kitchen mess conversation the night before (see yesterday’s post). I gave a legitimate complaint over his not taking responsibility to communicate and delegate to keep the house in order while I was sick, and now he was jumping into over-reactive action.
The stuff that really mattered (keeping the house from disintegrating into a big mess while I was sick) was ignored, while the little thing of my feeling well enough and giving our son a ride was pounced on and blown up from nothing into a big nasty passive aggressive poo pile.
In my view? I broke the passive aggressive commandments of ‘Thou shall not hold me accountable’, and ‘Thou shall not make me deal with something I don’t want to deal with‘, and he found a way to hurt me for it. It’s so predictable that it’s rotten.
Since then, he’s apologized to the kids, to me, and acknowledged he was the cause of the unnecessary drama.
If I wasn’t clear about this in past posts, I do speak up. I didn’t always let my kids or close friends etc. know in past years, but for the last several years I have been outspoken. I’m sure he thinks I speak up too much, lol. He once said to me, “You have zero tolerance!” (I replied, “Thanks!”) There is no more taking something in silence, or trying to cover over it. If something happens, I’ll often respond to it in the here and now, depending on whether or not wisdom dictates to wait.
My kids absolutely know (and have known for a long time) that I feel passive aggressive behavior is abusive. I don’t hesitate anymore to call it what it is. My kids also know that I haven’t been well, am trying to get well, and unless they’re up the river of denial, they know that if I get well and become financially independent, life as we know it will change.
Now, does he feel sorrow for what he did, or just say he’s sorry? Is he the thief that’s sorry he stole, or sorry he got caught? His words took responsibility for what he did. His behavior was a mixed bag. He helped with dinner. He wanted to spend time together, and we watched a silly show back on his office computer. At the end, he said he had to let the dog out and would be right back. I sat and browsed on netflix until I was drowsy. I went in our room and folded laundry. I needed him to move the noisy parrot and cage out of our room so I could sleep (the cage is moved for the sun during the day), and finally went out to look for him. Among other things, I discovered that at one point he just sat down and started watching part of a movie that the kids were watching.
He was full of excuses as to why he just rudely let me sit there waiting, but beneath my feelings of ‘why does he have to be this way’ was a healthy dose of acceptance ‘because that’s who he really is’.
I don’t think you can avoid the unnecessary drama that comes with a passive aggressive man. You can just tighten your boundaries, and try not to step in it. If you have kids that get hurt or blame you, you’ll cry. This is the bitter darkness that you don’t see coming until it doubles you over with grief and you have to crawl through it.