Where I belong

Surely it was for my benefit that I suffered such anguish. In your love you kept me from the pit of destruction; you have put all my sins behind your back.  Isaiah 38:17

I didn’t plan to marry a man who would struggle to behave in loving and respectful ways towards me.  I didn’t plan to be the wife that would weep alone, her husband’s heart unmoved by her tears and pain.
No matter what part my choices played in all this, I’ve struggled long and hard with the pain of it.

Today, I found out someone I love so dearly is hurting.  In a social media post, she asked what others do when the pain is so great that you feel like even the voice of your cries are lost.

I thought about all the useless things I’ve done when I’ve hurt so deeply that my soul felt crushed to the dust, or how I flailed and choked when I felt such huge waves of grief that I thought surely I’d drown in it.  Emotional eating.  Alcohol to numb like a medication.  Anti-depressants that did nothing to change my husband’s abuse.  Sleeping pills.  Anger and rebellion that hardened my heart until I’d crash and my heart would seem to shatter into lost irretrievable pieces.

Not lost to God.  Every tear in His bottle.  (You have taken account of my wanderings; Put my tears in Your bottle. Are they not in Your book?  Psalm 56:8)

What have I learned?  (For an intelligent person, I can be a foolishly slow learner.)

To free fall into the arms of God.  To trust Him to cover me with His wings.  To fly, limp, or crawl,  my usual bundle of muddied need, into His secret place of refuge.

I no longer try to unconsciously bargain with Him (Lord, I’ll try so hard to do the right thing, and in return You will make sure my kids are okay and come out of this unscathed.)

None of us come through this world unscathed.

The childish turning away when I was angry in my pain, as though my turning away from God would accomplish anything but to leave me feeling bereft of His love.

When I let go of Him, He held on to me.

I’ve felt like I’ve been wandering, not knowing who I am or where I belonged.  No place felt like home.  Now I know, He is my home.

When I was young, I didn’t see the extent of my pride, my propensity to judge, how I saw things in black and white, and I certainly didn’t see the torn, filthy rags that my soul was dressed in.  In the strength of my youth, I didn’t see my total need.

Years later, I’m softer, getting wiser, more compassionate, less judgmental (have a ways to go here), and my courage rises not from what I used to see as my own strength, but from experiencing His strength.  I long to be gold refined, and not hardened clay.

I fully expect to be tossed and torn, and continue to have weak and strong days.

And that’s okay.  (blows a kiss to my friend K for this lesson)

He already knows about those days,  so I’ll continue to let go and fall back into my usual helpless without Him place, because He is where I belong.


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This entry was posted in abusive marriage, Christian family, Christian marriage, covert abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, faith, passive aggressive and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

13 Responses to Where I belong

  1. I remember a story I heard along time ago.
    A little girl was falling down a hill and said, “God, please stop me now!” I like the idea that God will be there to catch us.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. lonelywife07 says:

    I did that PJ…I became angry at God about 9 months after I found out about PA Mans emotional affair…That phase lasted about 10 months….and I have to say I was so lost and felt so alone during that time.
    When I came back to God, He was there waiting for me…he’d never moved away, I had…and it felt great to be back!:)

    Great writing once again, PJ

    Like

    • WritesinPJ's says:

      Thanks, lonelywife, and tender thoughts towards your situation. I hope for you, for any woman praying with hope, that those men would find themselves on a road to Emmaus.

      I’m a role model on what not to do, but I keep praying that my mistakes, sins, missteps, and blind spots find redemptive space in helping others.

      Like

  3. WritesinPJs, I would like to thank you for your wonderful words that have greatly helped me in my struggle with my PA husband to whom I have been married for 16 years. I stumbled across your blog about two months ago when I began searching for help with my husband’s abusive behaviour. I have known for years that something was not right, when all my repeated efforts at communication and intimacy failed for some inexplicable reason. I now understand more about this personality disorder, and just the realization that he does have a personality disorder rather than I am mad/unreasonable/demanding, which he would have me believe, has helped me enormously. I am now setting boundaries and actually sticking to them (with a few relapses), and I think he has finally started to realize that no, I am not going to be stonewalled for days, weeks, months on end anymore and just break down and take him back, without any real resolution to our problems and to his behaviour. This is a long and lonely journey that we are on, but I can say that thanks to you, I no longer feel quite so alone. Thank you.

    Like

    • WritesinPJ's says:

      Hi drinkscoffeealone (love the name)! Thank you so much for sharing here! If it wasn’t for readers like you, I’d be typing away at my keyboard and feeling entirely like I’ve gone madder than the hatter!
      Thanks to you and others, I no longer feel quite so alone ♥
      I wish it was as simple as learning to hold boundaries. It seems that it’s just going to be a daily battle to hold those boundaries unless I no longer live with him.

      Like

      • Hi PJs, yes you are quite right, it is certainly not that simple. Although I am making it quite clear to him that I am not going to resume a relationship with him this time, after 4 months of being ignored over who knows what, it has not changed anything. I have made it clear that this time he needs to do some work if he is going to continue to stay in a marriage with me. I need to see some commitment to change, some real emotion from him, real empathy towards me and understanding of the pain he has caused me if he is to “win” me back. It is with a broken heart that I feel that I am finally going to have to admit defeat and accept that he is not going to do what is required to heal us, because there is nothing inside him except pride. The only thing my boundaries are achieving are giving me some peace of mind that despite the pain of separation and loneliness, I am not going to be wasting any more of my life on this repeating pattern of being ignored as if I have no worth as a human being. If only he would just TRY and give me/the marriage what it needs. His pride is such that he would rather lose everything than admit that his behaviour is abusive. I am very sad to say that setting and keeping my boundaries is for my benefit and self respect only. He knows I will not back down this time and take him back. He knows this, but even losing everything (home, wife, children) is not enough incentive for him to see his own behaviour for what it is, and acknowledge that it is indeed in his power to do something about it. His favourite method of self deception – “I know that you are unhappy but there is nothing that I can do about it”. I hope that I am able to find comfort in God the way you seem to be able to. In my pain and despair I “lost contact” with him a long time ago.

        Like

        • WritesinPJ's says:

          I would caution that it’s entirely unlikely that your husband (or any truly passive aggressive man) is going to develop the kind of real emotion and real empathy that we want. I do think these men are capable of improving their behavior, and as you said, it would take a commitment to change. The change in behavior is not the same as a change in heart.

          Just know that you aren’t alone if your husband behaves like an irrational idiot that would choose to lose you, lose everything, rather than give up his ridiculous and false sense of being in control and not ‘needing’.

          Yes, your husband has the power to do something, but his saying there’s nothing he can do about it is just one of the common lies these passive aggressive men seem to sell even themselves on. It’s a load of baloney, and we know it.

          I wrote this post about my relationship with God, and would like to share it with you.
          https://mylifeinpajamas.wordpress.com/2014/05/12/reading-my-bible/

          So many here do understand the sadness you’re feeling, and I think empathy will be silently winging across space your direction.

          Like

    • Anonymous says:

      Coffee, I have a story similar to yours. It is so comforting to read that others are going through the same things and that I am NOT crazy!!!! Thank you, PJs; your writing is expressing the words if many hurting hearts, mine especially. Thank you for sharing with us- especially those like me who are unable to safely post non-anonymously.

      Like

      • WritesinPJ's says:

        Thank you for posting and for encouraging me. I’m sorry that you can’t post safely right now. I hope that changes for you sooner than later, and look forward to hearing from you whenever possible!

        Like

  4. Jane Thorne says:

    Hugs ❤ xX

    Liked by 1 person

  5. sherry says:

    Thank you so much for your blog. Its been a rough day for me and your words are a godsend.

    Like

    • WritesinPJ's says:

      Sherry, the greatest strength and hope for me has been found with others who share a personal understanding and experience. I find it almost impossible to feel truly understood or validated outside of those who know firsthand. Thank you for not only reading, but sharing here. I hope you have a much better day soon!

      Like

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