The Little Things

This blogger takes the small details of abuse and brings the bigger picture into focus with her story.
I’ve said before that some may view the small abuse as a mere grain of sand, and wonder why anyone would make a fuss about it. If someone intentionally starts filling my shoe with grains of sand, eventually I won’t be able to get my foot into it.

Surviving Narcissistic Abuse

Looking back, it’s the little things narc did that still amaze me, the subtle ways he undermined me, destabilized me and tried to make me look crazy or controlling to others. At the time, I could feel in my gut that it was unacceptable and un-partnerlike behaviour, but it wasn’t until this healing and recovery period that I finally came to understand just how calculated and purposeful his behaviour was.

One night that keeps coming to mind was in the last month we were together. We had started talking about a trip to France for his friend’s wedding. Because the wedding was going to be not too far from the France-Spain border, he suggested we go to Spain first. I was ecstatic. Spain is on my bucket list, as is the La Tomatina festival which we would have been right on schedule for. While I had been hesitating to go on this trip…

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3 Responses to The Little Things

  1. Exodus says:

    PJ’s,
    I began writing two letters- one to my mother and the other to my nieces. I didn’t write the letters with the intention of mailing them straight away but rather to be mailed at a later date or for them to have should something happen to me and I die Each brutally honest letter served a different purpose. The letter to my mother was most difficult because I had to acknowledge that I love her despite that she emotionally abused me and f’d up my life and I thanked her for the wonderful gifts of good character that she taught me. I knew that writing to a narcissist was probably not going to benefit me in any way and that my mother would enthusiastically absorb all the compliments and dismiss the magnitude of my very vulnerable situation at the moment but, I just stated the truth about how I feel about her ( good and bad). The letter to my nieces had more to do with just letting them know who I really am, why I had to sever ties with the family and what I’ve endured and why and to share a bit of feminine wisdom about relationships and the importance of loving oneself and never compromising our values.
    Writing each letter was an extremely frustrating process because I couldn’t find a way to accurately describe the abuse that I’ve lived with for so many years. In the back of mind I could see them reading the letters and I could hear them thinking, ‘ Why didn’t she tell us?” But, I did tell my mother many times only to be dismissed, compared to HER difficult life or told that, ” a lot of couples live that way”. The writing process never seemed to reveal the actual truth of what has happened to me. I wanted to give up and just toss the letters aside because I felt as though it was pointless to even try. I felt as though I needed a documentary made of my entire life and marriage in order for anyone to be able to understand how and why all those little incidents swelled into one horribly abusive relationship. I felt as though I needed to send them every page from my journal, every post from every blog. Just writing about one insane incident or even a slew of them in a single letter didn’t seem important enough to mention and some of the incidents I considered writing about seemed too unbelievable- like the time Norman accidentally poisoned me in the car or how he would accidentally harm our dogs just to upset me or how he accidentally forgot to get the brakes fixed on the car. Was there anything I could write about that didn’t seem trivial or make me sound like a crazy insane overly dramatic delusional woman who was too hard on an over-worked, careless and forgetful man?

    Despite my frustration, I kept writing and at one point, it no longer mattered to me anymore if the recipient received the message as I intended. I told the truth and whether they get it or not and whether they care or not and whether they learn anything or not is out of my hands.

    Liked by 1 person

    • WritesinPJ's says:

      ((( Exodus ))) I strongly believe in the power of bearing witness, and if my voice is the only one doing that, then so be it. It’s my way of telling myself that I’m worth being validated, even if I’m speaking the words the darkness. If the one who hurt me dismisses my words, my own soul will hear it.

      I think you’re probably right about a narc absorbing the compliments and dismissing the painful stuff, but that doesn’t matter if you’re validating yourself.

      You’re offering your nieces a gift purchased at great cost to yourself, and hopefully they’ll have eyes to see its value.

      The only place I can write about the small things and get understanding is here, or on another blog (or online community) where there are other recipients of passive aggressive abuse.

      I say recipients because I don’t want to use the word victim today. I want to see us all rising up from the fog into the light.

      Like

  2. newshoes123 says:

    PJ and Exodus and anyone else reading, I found this online today – I’ve been struggling with demons in my head and I was looking for inspiration and came accross this:

    “Often the Greatest Doubts Occur Just Before a Breakthrough” – This is a quote by Lama Surya Das. If you can think of your difficulties as being necessary to make a breakthrough to the new life you want to lead, it will make it easier. You’re breaking free of your old life on the way to your new, more exciting life.

    a) I needed to hear this today and b) we should remember this when we are experiencing the low lows we get when dealing with pa people….
    Have a good day ladies!!!

    Liked by 1 person

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