To Leave or Not to Leave? That is the question

This is possibly the best article I’ve ever read on the age old question of whether to stay or leave.

Philippa Sklaar Blog

Happiness-is-not It has to be said that the jury is still out on whether leaving or staying is the answer and it is likely to stay out. Many women regret wasting a lifetime in what has felt like a corrosive marriage. I know one women whose husband died and when she was asked if she would like to marry again her answer was – “no thank you. My days of slavery are done”. Other women like Anna are pleased that she chose to stay and believes that for her this was the right option. Herein lies the profound truth. One woman’s meat is another woman’s poison. There is no answer that applies across the board.

However there are guidelines that do apply across the board.

  • You cannot live with one foot on either side of the fence.

If you have not left and are uncertain as to whether or not you should…

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8 Responses to To Leave or Not to Leave? That is the question

  1. Thank you so much for reblogging our post. So appreciative!!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Newshoes says:

    Good article for sure. Being in the middle of leaving, and having tried to stay and fix, I can tell you from experience hat when it comes down to it, it has to be a choice that is made once all other options have been analyzed and tried. I know that I tried and I failed. I cannot change him, so true and I loved me more in the end and that s how it should be. Does it mean that I’m vain and selfish, no it only means that for me respect and love for me first was the best option and the abuse was unacceptable for both me and my kids. Life is kind of kicking my rear end here, and it s not easy. Some days I want to hide and sleep but I keep on trucking until I get to my destination: a life free of spousal abuse.


  3. In the beginning it is difficult but nothing is more difficult than living a life of abuse. You are definitely neither vain or selfish, but hugely courageous. The point you make about loving yourself is exactly why we called our manual Abuse ends when you love yourself.. Please know that it does get easier. I wish you the very best – you deserve it!
    Warmest wishes,

    Liked by 1 person

    • newshoes123 says:

      Thank you Philippa. I needed to hear that today. I seem to be unable to move forward these last few days… but I keep trying to keep moving along and inch by inch I’m getting there. Hugs…

      Liked by 1 person

      • Exodus says:

        New, the leaving, the adjusting to a new situation, etc.. is such a difficult process and although most of time time I am emotionally charged to leave, there are times when Norman will appear to be so innocent, kind and gentle and helpless and I find myself relaxing and wondering ‘ if’ and worrying about him. It’s truly nuts and I force myself to push through his ruse because I know it’s only (his) temporary insanity. Norman’s normal is why I’m leaving! I’ve actually had moments when I was so glad that Norman was being ugly because it affirmed that what I’m doing is the right thing and I get all wound up and charged to keep pressing forward. I believe that my brain is addicted to Norman’s abuse and why I get so charged after he’s mean to me. I think my brain gets high on the intense ugly drama and then I’m able to keep pushing forward without any doubt.

        This past week my mother and I were talking and she said, ‘ I don’t know why I married your father that second time’ and I said, ‘ I do! ” because I really do understand how easy it is to doubt our own good commonsense and our judgment of other people and our circumstances when we have been put on an emotional teeter-totter for years. I know that my mother also wanted her two children to have their natural father in their lives. She said that she really wanted to believe my father when he said that he had changed. I’m sure that my father wanted to believe that as well but he was a sicko like Norman who could never follow through.

        Despite what my mother said, she also said to me, ‘ you chose to stay with him, you allowed this to happen to you’ and it was clear to me that she couldn’t understand MY situation at all. She’s got NPD so, I’m not surprised at all that she can’t empathize with MY abusive situation.

        Things are not good here now. Norman has completely wrecked ( literally) our finances. I’m trying not to get depressed but our insurance isn’t going to help much which means that we are going to take a very dire hit financially. Am I surprised that Norman totaled our company equipment? No. He does this kind of stuff all the time. He didn’t want me to leave without him getting new equipment FIRST. His income will be significantly reduced now since he has to purchase new. Even with all this, I’m still determined, maybe even more, to get away. His ‘wreck’ is a daily reminder of what I have dealt with for 18 years.
        As far as trying and failing. I don’t think you failed in your marriage at all. If anything you just failed to serve your own needs for far too long but you’re back on track now so, focus on that and put the rest behind. I’m serious when I say that once I pull out of here, I will never speak of this marriage ever again to anyone is my new life. I don’t even want to remember myself as being in any way, associated with Norman.


        • Newshoes says:

          Exodus, yup agreed it’s difficult all of this adjusting but I know I will pull through for sure. The ick is because I’m still in the same house so he can still find ways to abuse me and he does believe me, if I told you everything I d be here for weeks writing! However, there are many bright and positive things that are happening at the same time and those are the ones that keep pushing me forward. My sons are taking it hard, that s no fun but they understand , I just wish things could go faster for them.

          I’m sorry you re not getting an empathy from your mom, it’s no use though by what I’ve read that you’ve told us about… Completely no surprise at all…

          I’ll tell you what I learned about money…. It’s a piece of paper that allows you to buy stuff… That’s all. My friend passed away with nothing left in her account and a pocket full of change totalling about 10 dollars… But she lived to the fullest and never wondered if and when she would get more. You do with less, don’t worry about it, it’s not something you can take with you when you die. It was a valuable lesson for me.

          Hugs – hope you get out as soon as you can.


      • What both you and Exodus are feeling is exactly what every woman goes through in an abusive relationship. And know for certain that it passes. If this helps at all, the fears I had around leaving paled into insignificance compared to the fear I had if I stayed. The more I focused on myelf and the less on him the stronger I became. Use this time wisely, detach as much as you can, avoid the hooks of confrontations, and slowly in your own time prepare to leave.
        Hugs to both of you.

        Liked by 1 person

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