Down the rabbit hole

“Little Alice fell
the hOle,
bumped her head
and bruised her soul”  Lewis Carroll

You’ll find today’s post interspersed with some favorite quotes by Lewis Carroll.  I feel a bit like someone who fell down a rabbit hole where everything was strange and topsy turvy, and these quotes speak to me today.

“I’m afraid I can’t explain myself, sir. Because I am not myself, you see?” Lewis Carroll

Awhile back, I caught whatever virus was going around.  The people that I knew that also had it seemed to be down and out for about 2-3 days.  For me, it was 2-3 weeks.  This has seemed to be status quo for my struggling immune system.  It was a respiratory type flu (thankfully no vomiting), but I ran a fever for several days in a row.  Beyond the obvious, what did this mean in my world?  What does it mean when your life is built around navigating a passive aggressive partner?

It means being more dependent.

At the very beginning, when I could feel that I was going to be ill, I looked at my husband and said, “Please listen to me.  This is really important.  Whatever you actually feel, I need you to try really hard to use cognitive empathy to take care of me when I’m sick.  This matters very much, and at the end of the day, it will impact my choices about us.”

“Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.” Lewis Carroll

He looked at me in that funny, almost puzzled looking past me but not exactly at me but thinking stare and said, “Okay.”

“Either it brings tears to their eyes, or else -“
“Or else what?” said Alice, for the Knight had made a sudden pause.
“Or else it doesn’t, you know.”  Lewis Carroll

And so he did.  He tried very hard.  Really, perhaps he tried as hard as I can ever remember him trying.  I could see the strain of his being ‘good’.  I could see and feel at times that he was struggling with self-pity, irritation, and resentment, but I could also see him trying to ‘fake it till you make it’.

There were lapses into passive aggressive behaviors, especially as I started to recover.  I think I tried to write about it one day, but I was so doggone tired.  I was too tired to do anything but be vulnerable and dependent on kindness and care.   So there were days that it just felt too demanding to sit and try to clear my fevered brain and write, but as recovery slowly increased, I began to realize that my not writing was something else altogether.

“You used to be much more…”muchier.” You’ve lost your muchness.”  Lewis Carroll

I realized that I felt uncomfortable blogging about the above referenced ‘lapses’ or incidents or hurts or frustrations, and so I began to ponder the why of that.  Why was I not blogging?  I almost felt guilty to even think about blogging, and so I kept putting it at the edges of thought.  In fact, I wasn’t even letting myself think of anything serious.

“Who in the world am I? Ah, that’s the great puzzle.” Lewis Carroll

I rather suspect I was experiencing an aspect of trauma bonding.  Factor in that he was trying, and it can feel confusing.  Guilt, questions, disappointment, hope, wondering, and letting go because you’re too weak to do anything else.

“How puzzling all these changes are! I’m never sure what I’m going to be, from one minute to another.”  Lewis Carroll

I stopped trying to figure out what it all meant, or what anything meant, and decided it was time to just get back on track, so a few days ago I forced myself to get-out-of-the-house.    Man, that was hard!  My fear and panic and discomfort to leave the safety of this house had seemed to escalate while I was ill.

“My dear, here we must run as fast as we can, just to stay in place. And if you wish to go anywhere you must run twice as fast as that.”  Lewis Carroll

I kept trying to talk myself in and out of going with one of my sons to an important appointment that required his presence about an hour from where we live.  This is the son who was hit by a car five years ago, and while legally things were resolving (mainly this just paid the medical bills and attorney costs), he still had to sign something to basically close the books on it.  In my mother’s heart, it didn’t feel okay to not be there as a silent witness when this has been so huge in his life.  Our lives.  And so I went, and there seemed to be no practical reason to not include other necessary family shopping and errands.  NINE hours I was out,  including driving, and we didn’t get home until almost midnight.

“Well!’ thought Alice to herself, ‘after such a fall as this, I shall think nothing of tumbling down stairs! How brave they’ll all think me at home! Why, I wouldn’t say anything about it, even if I fell off the top of the house!’ (Which was very likely true.)”  Lewis Carroll

The next morning, I was supposed to meet someone for coffee in the town I live near.  We’d already rescheduled twice because I’d been sick, and I really wanted to raincheck it again.   But I went.  The reason I forced myself to get out again (two days in a row is like a marathon of challenging my comfort zone) was because she’d repaired a quilt for my son.  She did a beautiful repair out of the goodness of her heart.  This is the son that used this quilt while he was deployed in a war zone, and the quilt became special to him because of that.  The weather is getting colder here, and so I knew I needed to keep that coffee appointment in part to get his quilt back to him.  There was one jarring note in that coffee meeting, a conversation that I’ll try to address tomorrow.

Here I am again, ready to move forward.  Next step, gym passes!

“I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.” Lewis Carroll

This entry was posted in covert abuse, emotional abuse, immune system, passive aggressive husband, trauma bonding and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

17 Responses to Down the rabbit hole

  1. Exodus says:

    What a beautiful post PJ’s AKA Alice 😀 ! So glad that you’re back and so glad that you’re health is improving. Have missed you dearly but hoped you were on a restful hiatus.

    It’s so exhausting and deflating to observe the icemen trying to generate enough internal heat in order to provide any sincere affection and concern. I’m mostly past having any expectation of ever seeing Norman respond like a normal human being with a heart. Even in those brief moments when he’s nice or ‘sweet’ toward me, I just (internally) roll my eyes and ignore it. I know it’s not his fault that he lacks empathy or the cognitive ability to reason but even so, I just can’t stand being around him or anyone like him anymore.

    I have experienced dormant periods when I couldn’t write or periods when I needed to just rest my thoughts and bask in nothingness. I’ve not written in my journal for two weeks until just this morning. Sometimes I don’t have the emotional or mental energy to put into writing. Sometimes, I get tired of reading about my same dreadful experience over and over again. Sometimes, I don’t bother to write because I feel as though I can’t accurately convey what I’m feeling so, why bother? Sometimes, what I write about seems so utterly insane that it frightens me to know that I’ve endured this long and I begin to question my own sanity.

    Many years ago, I read a Stephen King novel called, ‘ Stand By Me’ and in the beginning of the book he wrote, ” “The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them — words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they’re brought out. But it’s more than that, isn’t it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you’ve said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That’s the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear.”

    I have a question for you relating to some thoughts I’ve been having about myself. My counselor asked me where I get my energy ( for life) and I couldn’t really answer her question. I’ve been pondering this for two weeks. I wondered if I ever had any life energy or if I had just forgotten what it was like to feel excited and passionate about something. Some people get high from their work, some from sports, some from sex, some from money. I don’t seem to get high on anything really. Narcotics are the only thing that gives me a relaxed peaceful warm and fuzzy feeling but I don’t take those and I’ve never craved them. I love the energy of children and animals because they are so genuinely happy and very honest but aside from those two things, I think I’m a flat-line type of person. I can be very jolly and happy when I’m in the company of other happy jolly folks but I don’t really ever experience any euphoria in any experience except for sex but even sex has no real euphoric appeal to me unless I have a spiritual connection with the man. So, I was thinking about how I’m not competitive, not jealous, not interested in comparing myself to others. I’ve always been this way. In truth, I’m really a human failure. I have no desire to excel at anything. I’m ‘content’ with just the basics in life which really makes me a loser doesn’t it? What company would want to hire someone like me? A mortician? I watched a documentary called Euphoria and if I understood it correctly, I think I’m a flat-liner because my dopamine receptors don’t work. So, I was wondering, have you had this same type of flat liner experience throughout your life? I never considered myself to be subservient and yet, I tend to tolerate being diminished and ignored even though I hate it and it makes me feel sad. Maybe i’m addicted to feeling hurt, resentment and anger? Maybe I get my life energy from being abused? Maybe I hate competition because my mother competed with me which made me feel very uneasy and afraid because as you can imagine, I paid dearly if she felt threatened by me. Just curious if you or the other readers might consider yourselves flat-liners as well.


    • paescapee says:

      Exodus, in counselling it is believed that one can’t blank out negative feelings only, but when suffering extreme stress or distress, we try to do so but end up blanking out ALL emotions and end up numb. I wouldn’t really expect you to experience much joy or interest in life whilst you are still tied up with your PA. Hopefully you should rediscover the enthusiasm when you don’ t have to be on stress-alert all of the time- my joy is gradually coming back now. I’ m slowly remembering what it feels like to be happy and enjoy my life and that can be your future too, I’ m sure.


    • Bronze says:

      This is curious to me because I feel almost the opposite!! I spent so many years injecting emotion into our household, mostly for the childrens sake that NOW that he is out my feelings are flatlining. I no longer have wild swings in emotion unless it’s about him. I feel on an even keel and NOTHING is a big deal anymore.

      While with him I tried to be happy, happy, happy with the kids around to try and compensate for his glowering, arms crossed presence in the background wherever we went. As the years progressed, I allowed myself my depression at night and then as even more years passed my depressed turned almost to desperation and the begging started and the suicidal feelings, all met with a stony faced man, who called me crazy.

      My moods were a serious of happy, happy, happy(in the day) and lows, lows, lows(at night – anger, despression, resentment). And in the last couple of years when my mental ability to cope was breaking down, it was almost as if I was having overly emotional reactions to things, just to try and get him to care about me. During marriage any negative emotion got the reaction of ”I’m not responsible for how you feel – you choose to feel the way you do”. No, matter how strong my reaction to something was (eg. being told by the government they were going to cut my support off 6 months shy of me finishing my degree) his response was ”you are catastrophising and I won’t listen to any of your problems, it’s too depressing for me”. So, I look back and think by the end instead of doing what I used to do when things like that happened which was look after it myself and swing into action almost in a business like manner and get it sorted – during the separation as his mindf***ing games escalated, so did my emotional responses, possibly in an effort to GET some CARE… Of course, it didn’t work. He didn’t care for me when I was happy, he was hardly likely to care when I was falling apart due to his abuse. He became a psychoanalyser and a very condescending one at that – anger management taught him new skills that instead of using on himself – he used and judged ME for my reactions to his hurtfulness. I did go through severe rage once I was all the way out and a little of that spilled on my children for which I hope to have made amends. Now, I have nuthin’.

      I kept such a close lid on my emotions for most of my marriage because any emotions were seen as unacceptable to him, that unless I was happy I was unacceptable. So I was up and I was down and in the end I was all around, all over the place and my fight and flight was pinging and going off, on a continual loop. Now, he is no longer in my life and I have nothing to react to except normal life situations – I am flat lining. I don’t think I have anything left and I have become a procrastinator and head burier. I spent months not paying the bills on time which is so far away from my usual MO that I think I may have become passive aggressive with MYSELF!!! I spend hours watching motivational videos to try and get that old fire of always achieving, always moving forward, always striving and being conscientious in everything I do, that seems to have got up and walked away. I want that get up and go, back! So I feel like I’m pushing through a fog and do things only as they are absolutely necessary which sure isn’t helping my small business go anywhere (or my thesis). I am content with little – but I”ve always been a striver (not for things but for a better me).

      Exodus – I don’t know who you were before the marriage but I do know that inside these funhouse mirror marriages, we become something else and lose whoever we are to the layers of warpedness that is pushed on us by such disordered men. I have no doubt your hormones/neurotransmitters are out of whack (dopamine, serotonin, cortisol, adrenaline, noradrenaline etc) and I don’t doubt mine are either. I hope once you are out that with peace and care, you can recover who you were meant to be. I don’t know who I would have become without all of my 20s and 30s being spent having my personality twisted and shaped by such a malignant outside force, who told me who I was and how I felt and what I thought and his vision was not a nice one. Hopefully, you can get your true girl back and so can I! I love your posts and it would be wonderful if one day in the future we have both left this flat lining far behind us and are pursuing the life we want. I don’t know if I’ve always been a flat liner because I had an emotionally and somewhat physically abusive childhood and I clearly remember wondering what it would be like to kill myself when I was 9!! I tried, just for curiosity sake and realised I couldn’t ever do it. I believe I spent most of my childhood and teenagehood somewhat low level depressed. I was a very quiet, good, well behaved child but I was VERY competitive. I had that competitive streak during uni (to good effect) but it has gone as well. I was always conscientious, and that has gone. I always tried my best and that has gone. Other than that – I don’t know WHAT my natural state is – I hope it’s not depressive because I have spent a lifetime trying to make myself into a happy-go-lucky person and now I have nobody abusing me, I would love that to happen, lol… I do gravitate to comedies and love to laugh – that is something I’ve always had and I feel love deeply. I read a lot of Edgar Allan Poe as a teenager and that resonated at the time, lol, but would no longer. My children and I have quite a dry sense of humour and most of our time together is spent on absurd conversations that make us laugh. To a certain extent I believe we should be able to train our brains and I’ve certainly strived and tried my whole life to be UP and have spent years reading on every natural cure for depression there is(and tried them). So together,in time when all abuse is finally out of our system, we may actually find out WHO we are and what our natural base state is. EEk – another long post!! I don’t think you should make decisions on who you are until the malignant one can no longer affect you. Take Care, Exodus and have a lovely day. xoxo


      • Exodus says:

        Hi Bronze,
        Humor is a good thing and both my brother and I have a very dry sense of humor about life that keeps us going. I hope one day I can look back and laugh at this wretched marriage- no doubt I will but, it will take many years I think.

        Poe is one of my favorite authors and I live not far from his homes. Very ironic that you mentioned Poe because just two months ago, I was researching his family and visited one of his homes and just this morning was listening to a Stevie Nicks album with her version of Poe’s poem, Annabelle Lee ( about Poe’s wife, Virginia). Stephen King is another one of my favorites. One might think that I’m morbid and obsessed with horror but that’s actually not true at all. I just think life is a horror…hehehehe I have a very warped sense of humor, love to laugh at life and satire appeals to me. Poe was quite an amazing business man with high energy and drive for success despite his own insecurities and ‘issues’ and depression. I tend to think he was an insecure narcissist in many respects and I feel the same about King. No surprise I like them! My stepsister is an author and her books are the most dark depressing stories I’ve ever read and to be honest, I sometimes wonder if she’s nuts. She’s nothing like what she writes about. She doesn’t seem to have any dark side so where does all the demented material come from? I think her stories have a lot to do with religious trauma from Catholic upbringing because she writes about drunken reprobates and crippled evil children and their struggle to find salvation. Speaking of books, have you ever read Mavis Gallant’s Green Water,Green Sky? The story about a vain and selfish manipulative mother who fails to see the damage she is doing to her daughter who finds she has no place in the world and no identity. I read this short novel and gulped. It was like reading my own story. Very creepy, very disturbing, very enlightening.

        It’s wonderful that you’re living in a stable calm environment and that your not living on adrenaline highs anymore! It’s very strange, isn’t it? In time, this will become second nature to you and you’ll not ever want such drama in your life ever again. So, who was I before my marriage? I don’t remember but, while packing found all sorts of letters from friends, paintings of mine and other items that served as reminders. I was an artist among other things that I can’t even imagine today. While I don’t believe that being competitive is part of living a spiritual life ( which has always been very important to me) being this way doesn’t make a very successful person in our industrialized world. Unless I decide to become a nun, I need to develop some healthy level of competition. Your comment made me realize that a lot of my introverted tendencies were specifically related to living with narcissists whether it was my mother or Norman or a coworker. This is the effect they have on empathic kind people. These emotional vampires robbed us from living an authentic life/ from developing our own identity and a strong sense of self. Therefore, I grew accustomed to making myself happy through making others happy or being the peace-maker. What a waste of energy. Truly. It really saddens me to know that anytime I was ‘ happy’ there was always that underlying sadness and fear. While looking at childhood pictures with my grandmother, she said, ‘ You were such a happy and fun child’ and I said, ‘Yeah, well, we all look that way in pictures, don’t we?”

        Like you, I put tons of energy into creating superficial happiness to counter all the negativity. I didn’t have kids but I had my dogs and my nieces and they were an extremely powerful source of joy for me that gave me energy for life simply because they filled me with happy energy. They gave me a reason to get up and look forward to the next day. I planned my life around their well-being. My life now has no purpose other than to sustain myself and I’ve not really ever been in this role before. I’ve never just had ‘ me’ to take care of or to plan for or to make happy. So, this is all new to me and I feel as though I’m standing in the center of the universe with gazillions of paths to take and I can’t confidently choose any one of them.

        I too thought about suicide as a young child and I’ve always wondered why. It’s not normal! In hindsight, I tend to think that it wasn’t the true me that wanted to die but that part of me that was trapped in my mother’s mirror and terribly frustrated. Living with Norman caused me to feel the same way. I wanted to die in those moments when I couldn’t imagine ever finding a way out of here. These vampires can’t stand happy loving people because they are so jealous that we have the emotions that they don’t. We threaten them and remind them how defective and shallow they are. I’m extremely creative, thoughtful and loving and I know I felt very insecure,stifled and frustrated when I lived with my mother because I feared being happy and positive around her. I had a recurring dream for many years about my mother and in the dream I was lying in a hospital bed, my left arm had cancer and it was killing me. My mother would walk into my room and there were several of my old boyfriends trailing behind her and they all circled my bed and stared at me. I had this dream so often that I finally went to a dream analyst and it only took her a few minutes to figure out what it meant.
        My left arm was symbolic of how my mother is an extension of me and how she was the cancer that was killing the true me.
        The men were symbolic of not only how she sexualized/objectified me but also of how I chose them because of her. Most of the men in the room were just male versions of her.

        Sometimes life seems too ridiculous to live and yet, our human spirit keeps pushing on because there is a part of us that wants to be born free to manifest all the good things in the life that we can. I think I’m just tired- REALLY f’n tired. I just want peace, love and freedom!……heheheh

        I found a video by Nicks on that same album with Annabelle Lee and the song is called, Cheaper than Free This one is for you and me 😀

        Love yourself today. XXOO


    • WritesinPJ's says:

      Exodus, I love that quote! I’m not sure where I am on the spectrum you described, probably because I think I’ve been too much and too long in a reactive emotional place. I would probably have to be away for some time to get an idea of my true base line.


  2. paescapee says:

    Glad you’re feeling better P.J. It’s funny, I’ve been too lethargic to blog as well- although not I’ll- I wonder if it’s the change of the seasons? Anyway, nice to have you back.


    • Exodus says:

      I do think the approaching holiday season takes a serious toll on those of us who can’t experience the joy of family and marriage as we so very much want to. I can’t speak for others but this has got to be the most depressing time of year for me. I am just so heartbroken without my dogs to share it with and no family or friends. What I do have only reminds me of everything I don’t have. I thought to myself this morning, ‘ Dear G-d if I can get through this I can do anything’ and I really meant it.

      Liked by 1 person

    • WritesinPJ's says:

      Thanks, it’s good to be back! Change of seasons definitely seems to impact most people.


  3. Bronze says:

    I’m glad you are feeling better. In my experience, and I hope not in yours, there will be a backlash. My ex never looked after me if I was ill – even after giving birth, he left me with an infant and a 104F temperature, to go to work. At another time, I asked him to take a day off and help me (after third baby) he would say ”I will if you really want me to”. I’m not sure what my asking him constituted? I thought me straight up asking him, meant that I wanted him to do it!? In any case, I guess he wanted me to beg? And then that would make his refusal all the more sweeter for him. Fast forward – we had a family thing on one weekend that I happened to have a very badly strained my neck, so that I could not drive or even turn my head and he drove me to the family thing and back and the next day drove me to get an xray and to the chiropractor. He did not take any time off work and I had already learned to never, ever ask him to do that. Many months after that weekend, he did something that was hurtful and well, I bet you can guess the rest? yes, he brought up that weekend he had looked after me as his evidence that he is a good guy, so I shouldn’t forever more ever say anything about any negative things he did. I paid for every nice thing he did, to the extent I hated him being nice to me because it meant he could be abusive without any recourse (in his mind). I am very lucky that I have pretty much not had any serious illnesses and years can go by between flus that lay me low. (I do and always have since childhood taken a cocktail of vitamins, minerals and herbs as my mother is a herbalist, so even during childhood we had our little pile of pills sitting in front of us at breakfast).

    I hope this isn’t part of your experience and I hope you actually manage to get some care from your husband without paying for it later. I don’t want to put a downer on you, especially after being ill!! I guess you will see his resentment manifest if he has stopped working on his issues within your marriage but still you have written a post that shows he can do it, if he wants to. It is sad that when we first met these men that their care for us seemed to constitute something they wanted to do and not something they have to try to do without resentment. I wonder what happens inside these men, that they put so many layers on us of being their oppressor, so they can have something to rebel against, instead of looking with their naked eyes and seeing the beautiful woman they married surrounded with a beautiful family they have made and simply feel joy and pride. It’s a puzzle to me that they would rather lose so much time of their life feeling resentful of a millstone instead of enjoying their blessings. I read another woman say that she left her marriage because of all the time wasted in silence when they could have been enjoying themselves, all the times he was MIA and she was worried, when they could have been simply together, all the times he was late and they missed things – but yes, all those years of silence and simmering, that was wasting her life away in bad feelings due to him seemingly making a decision at some point that he wasn’t going to enjoy his family but view them through some warped angle of them wasting HIS time and energy and keeping him from some fictitious, fantasy other better life – and if was all his wifes and childrens fault that he couldn’t have what he wanted but couldn’t articulate, even if asked straight out – ”What do you want”. And the answer would be deafening in the silence because to tell you, would mean he may actually get it and then who would he resent for not having it? What a waste of a life – spent in bad feelings, unsaid desires, obfuscation and childishness. Arrgh – I went on some weird angle rant, again!!!! Hope you continue to feel better and better. 🙂


  4. joyforthejourney says:

    Oh my goodness you all are describing my marriage, my life! I am so glad I found this blog! Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!!!


    • Exodus says:

      Hi Joy,
      Sorry to hear that you too are experiencing this kind of marriage but glad to know that you’ve found support on PJ’s blog. I too was SO relieved to find her blog last spring. It was a much needed miracle!


    • WritesinPJ's says:

      joyforthejourney, I’m so glad you’re finding support and validation. I hope to hear more from and about you! Some of the readers that post here also have excellent blogs.


  5. Zombiewife says:

    I’m glad to see you recovered and back to blogging, PJs.

    Liked by 1 person

  6. So relieved that you are okay and have returned, PJs. It’s good to hear your voice again 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  7. newshoes123 says:

    wow!! so glad you are still there, I was worried about you!! 🙂

    I’m going to read this post and comment.


  8. newshoes123 says:

    “I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.” Lewis Carroll

    Of course you’re not… none of us are. And more than likely we will never be those people again. The thing is once you’ve have lived abuse, it defines you in a different way than anyone else who has never lived this. We become survivors in a territory full of landmines and any one of them can go off at any time. (ie. abuse episodes from the pah)

    How can we still be ourselves and survive? We can’t. We adapt. And that’s what we did because we had to, because in order for us to continue from one day to the next, we had to deal with the abuse, the attacks, the put downs, etc… one by one. Yesterday, it was a battleground for me again, simply because there are new developments in my separation from the stbexpah (soon-to-be-ex-passive-agressive-husband). And he didn’t like them, didn’t like that he was losing more control, didn’t like that I moved out this weekend but because I come home everyday to care for the boys, he can still have access to abuse me and he did. After 4 hours of going back and forth, I felt like I was losing it then I remembered that he could not break me. He could bruise me but he could not take what I knew was the truth, and he couldn’t control my mind anymore although he did do a good job at confusing it!! Once i stepped back and thought about the whole thing, I told him that he could never take away what I knew was in my heart and I also told him that he wanted to fight me, I would take him on. He wanted me to release him from the label “abuser” and I wouldn’t. I never will. And he won’t brake me… I’m as sharp as a knife and I’m as strong as an ox….

    I can fully understand why you would not want to blog, first of all, you’re not feeling well and it would have been a very difficult effort for you to maybe be objective since you were experiencing that moment of trauma bonding because he did take care of you. I’ve done the same. I even exaggerated how he had done that for me at times… so I get it. I’m glad you’re back though. And I’m certainly glad you went outside of your comfort zone twice!!! Continue, it will become easier and it will become second nature.

    Remember this, even though you may feel like Alice who bumped her head, you still have what’s in your heart and your mind knows the truth. Take that and bet the farm (on yourself) and you’ll be surprised by the rewards and the strenght you will get.

    Liked by 1 person

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