A witness to myself

A reader asked why I speak my truth to my passive aggressive husband.  Why bother?

To answer the question regarding why I speak my truth to him, it’s because I reply or respond in truth to his words or behaviors, or to explain my own boundaries or choices. My voice speaking out is heard by me.  If my words fall on deaf ears, blind eyes, and a hard heart, my conscience knows that they were spoken, and I bear witness to myself that I tried.  This is what feels right inside of my own heart and being, and what helps me to remain clear. It’s not because I believe he’ll understand, or that if he does understand (which I suspect he very well does), that he’ll agree. It’s my voice speaking my truth straightforwardly.

For me, it isn’t about faking love or marriage or peace on my part.  I’m married until I choose not to be, and that would happen in the moment and at the time it also becomes the right choice for me. I gave my word that as long as I’m here, and until the day comes that I decide differently and walk away, I’ll continue to allow the grace of another chance, a redemptive space of grace in which he could repentantly turn.  I’ve also prayed that if leaving becomes the right thing, that I’d leave while I still have love for him.

He may choose to abuse that choice, and it may be casting pearls, but it’s the right choice for me within my heart and being.

Pragmatically and objectively, my goals are set towards addressing the mess that my choices to marry and remain married (choice I allow myself kindness and mercy for) created.  This required soul searching, realistic compromises, new boundaries, and some grit because it involves serious health issues, the practical impact on kids, and complicated financial enmeshment.  I’m trying to reverse auto immune health issues, and heal severe adrenal burnout.  My husband is aware of my basic goals, but he also knows that I’ll let it all go in a ‘poof’ if he crossed certain lines as he did in years past.  That would be rough, but I’ve settled within that it’s okay if that would happen.  Meanwhile, progress is slow, often painful, but happening.

If the day comes that I walk away, I also gave my word to myself that I’d have cried enough, and I won’t look back.

So until we’re done, we’re not done.  I can’t not be kind or affectionate, I can’t not choose measured and weighed vulnerability, and I can’t eradicate hope, even when I think I see him eroding it into inevitable destruction; I can’t do those things without breaking my own inner sense of what’s right and true for me.  Even with those choices, and my best efforts to honor my inner guidelines, my humanity frail dust self succumbs to anger, grief, worry, fear, and despair.  I’m also aware that a more peaceful path could be ahead, if I stay my course and keep myself focused on getting there.  With or without him.

Only time will tell the end of this story.

Advertisements
This entry was posted in abusive husband, abusive marriage, Christian family, Christian marriage, covert abuse, divorce, emotional abuse, passive aggressive, passive aggressive abuse, passive aggressive husband and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to A witness to myself

  1. Exodus says:

    “I’ll continue to allow the grace of another chance, a redemptive space of grace in which he could repentantly turn. ”

    PJ’s, I think we’ve all done this and this is why we all found your blog. I would guess that most of us wanted more than anything for our husband’s to change and we intended to stick it out which is why we all tried so hard for so long. Would you be ready and able to recognize and trust that moment if it occurs? Can you accept his kindness, affection and good deeds as authentic and trust in them in without putting any judgment on them based on past experience? I’m not being facetious with what I’m about to suggest but if you really do want to create that redemptive space then you must be willing to give your husband a chance by not reminding him of his past failures and hurts when he is being affectionate or thoughtful. ” live in the present moment’ and let go of all the negativity and hurt from the past/day before. Wake up tomorrow with a song in your heart and ignore any temptations to relive the past. Be affectionate and be happy and most of all, be positive. I do believe in miracles. Maybe you can make one happen.

    I had that experience when Norman actually changed last winter. It was such a dramatic change that I even thought he had a brain tumor. Norman of course reverted back to his old ways two weeks later but I at least learned that I was open to receiving him without any judgment or doubt. I never asked him if he was being genuine and never questioned his intentions and to be honest, I couldn’t even remember any bad thing that he did. I even remember one point feeling guilty that I had been so hard on him. For those two weeks, I just rolled with the flow and it was really wonderful. It was the only wonderful two weeks in my entire marriage. But, after he reverted back to his usual self, I too reverted back to my role in the PA dynamic. I don’t know what caused Norman to change or change back. I wondered if he enjoyed those two weeks like I did and if so, why he wouldn’t want to keep that feeling in our marriage. I don’t think Norman feels comfortable being happy. I think he is so addicted to anger that he can’t live without it. It’s what keeps him working, keeps him feeling alive and strong and it supports his beliefs about himself. It’s just so weird to me. I’ll never understand him.

    Like

    • AlonewithGod says:

      Oh yes,ma’am..the anger addiction. It’s real. The adrenaline and cortisol releases cause
      the anger addict to get high. Really does keep them feeling alive. It’s like they need the constant drama, the ongoing stress. I completely agree with you. My ex actually bragged
      about having an anger management problem, using that as an excuse for his abusive behavior.

      Like

    • WritesinPJ's says:

      Exodus, you said, “Would you be ready and able to recognize and trust that moment if it occurs? Can you accept his kindness, affection and good deeds as authentic and trust in them in without putting any judgment on them based on past experience? I’m not being facetious with what I’m about to suggest but if you really do want to create that redemptive space then you must be willing to give your husband a chance by not reminding him of his past failures and hurts when he is being affectionate or thoughtful.”

      I understand that since this is a blog, no one can really see me in the hour to hour or moment to moment actual living of my life. I can only say that I’ve allowed countless moments when I give him the benefit of the doubt, and those interactions and times shared are given on my part with good will, the benefit of the doubt (for I surely doubt), and usually without reproach or recrimination. If he’s behaved badly and I feel unresolved hurt, if I feel uncomfortable or anxious or tense about sharing intimacy, I tell him so. He doesn’t like it, or course, but my feelings just are what they are.

      Since you asked, I found myself wondering if I had a blind spot here, and I did something unprecedented. He knows that I blog, even though I’ve never given him the name, site, or link etc. I asked if he was interested and willing to hear me read one of my posts, and I read this post (A witness to myself) to him, and the comment/question of yours quoted above, and asked for his honest feedback. He said that I do accept his good behaviors, not blindly, but without bringing up the past. “At least most of the time.” (his words)

      I do walk this talk, not perfectly, and that’s okay.

      Like

    • I LOLed at brain tumor. At one point I thought my husband might be autistic in some form.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s