Slow learner

When I was a girl, I was normally the top student in all my classes (at least until I started skipping school constantly towards the end of high school).  Learning anything came so easily, and I was used to skipping ahead of my peers with ease.  There was only one other student that held any competition for me, so naturally I had a school girl crush on him.  At home in my family of origin, it meant nothing (maybe occasional teasing) and seemed irrelevant to my somewhat invisible status in the shadow of the ‘only boy’.  School was a different place, and I held my top status with casual confidence.  Confident in my abilities, and utterly insecure as a person of worth.  As a student, I was used to grabbing the top scores academically, setting the curve on any exam, and sailing through anything academic with ease.  I was strong in athletics, and physically capable of doing anything that most of my male peers could do at that age.  I was a fast learner.  Very fast.

Funny how that can possibly create or contribute to a blind spot.  Funny how later in life, I came to realize what a slow learner I’ve been when it comes to people.  Either slow, or very blind.

I’ve been called Pollyanna by more than one person in my life, and apparently it’s rather true.  Push me down, and before you know it, I’m wanting to look up to the sky, see the stars, and wanting to believe.   I’m extremely cynical about human nature, while simultaneously wanting to believe and hope for the best in someone.  It seems rather at odds with the pragmatic and objective part of me.  No wonder I find myself in such a murky kerfluffle of a marriage with a passive aggressive spouse.

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2 Responses to Slow learner

  1. paescapee says:

    It is strange, Isn’t it? Don’ t know if it helps, but in therapy I learned that I come from a family that ignores issues- for example I witnessed domestic violence and was told it simply didn’t’ happen. For my security, I learned to ignore my own instincts. My ex lied and lied and lied but I simply didn’t’ see the red flags. I’m working on listening to my intuition again.

    Like

  2. newshoes123 says:

    Completely understand. We see what we want to see because we have to to survive and continue to believe that things are what you think they are.

    paescapee said it well. In therapy you learn to see things as they really are. I’m so much more aware now of nuances in people’s facial features or body language when I speak with them, if the message I tell them is not something they want to hear or like to hear, their demeanour changes subtely. I’ve gotten really good at listening to my gut feelings as well. It’s served me well so far. I was amazed that once I started to “listen” to it again, how quickly I learned how to pick things up.

    Honestly, going through separation although not fun has been a blessing this year. I’ve changed in ways I didn’t know I could. Therapy continues to help as well and I’m getting through it. I’m going to be just fine.

    Liked by 1 person

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