It’s almost here and gone

I’m talking about Christmas being almost here and gone.  It’s stress and relief all at once.  One of my sons is bringing a young woman here to meet all of us, and they’ll be staying a handful of days here.   There are signs of it being an unhealthy relationship, so I can’t say that most of us seem to be looking forward to it.  I’m sad to think my son could potentially repeat another generation of this mess.

Other than preparing for the extra of having someone staying here, I’m fairly calm.  I know that I love certain things about Christmas… but I can’t remember the last time I actually enjoyed it.

The bad part is that I’m not organized and prepared like some long ago holidays past.  The good news is that because work has been busier than it has in years, I’m not stressed about being able to pick up a few gifts and buy the extra groceries for the holiday meal and baking.  I was actually able to get a small gift online for a dear friend, and quietly pay it forward to a family that’s in a financial struggle here.  I haven’t been able to do anything like that in many years. That part feels so right, and I’m hoping so hard to hold the climb up on Maslow’s pyramid.

I’m stressed about not having gotten to a gym yet, and still not having a normal wardrobe.  I’ll be letting someone new (albeit briefly) into my fragile equilibrium, and that makes me have to look at things that are awry.  Not fitting into normal clothes.  That’s the stupid thing that’s bugging me the most right now, but objectively I know it can be remedied bit by bit if I just make that step and keep going that direction.  But not in time for this visit when my son is bringing a girlfriend.  Ugh.

You want to know something funny?  The same friend I referenced above sent me a Christmas plate and holiday treats to put on it, with the intention that I’d pass it on to another friend in our circle, who would then pass it on the next year etc.  My friend sent this to me eight years ago…  But guess what I have boxed up and ready to mail?  Now if you figure this in the twelve days of Christmas schedule, it will be on time.  Ahem.

My husband hasn’t been consistently nice or helpful this year with holiday stuff, but he has been working hard these past few months.  I’m hoping that his passive aggressive undercurrents will subside, and that he’ll be more positive for awhile.  Like everything else with him, how he behaves around a holiday is consistently inconsistent.  I just keep reworking my lists from what starts out as the Shooting for the Ideal Hallmark Kind of Plans, to What Can Actually Still Be Pulled Off, to What is Actually Most Important.  I’m getting there… or somewhere haha.

If I can manage to herd a couple cats, we might actually get a tree up later today!  I’m trying to put my mind into the most positive spin because I’m really rather wishing the holidays were here and gone.  You know what keeps me going?  My thirteen year old daughter adores Christmas, and is also one of the most unselfish people I’ve ever known.  She doesn’t ask for anything but love, but she expresses such joy and gratitude for anything I manage to pull together that resembles a holiday.  How can you not keep trying with someone like her in your life?

This entry was posted in abusive marriage, covert abuse, daughter, emotional abuse, holiday stress, passive aggressive, passive aggressive abuse and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to It’s almost here and gone

  1. newshoes123 says:

    Hope you were able to make it happen for your daughter and the rest of your family dear. Merry Xmas !!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Your daughter is, indeed, a treasure. May the two of you have a most blessed New Year, filled with beauty and bounty.

    Liked by 1 person

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