Convoluted

My husband is on a long streak of mostly behaving decently,  which tends to produce a struggle within me that wants to put up an extra wall to guard myself, and simultaneously  to relax and let down my guard.

Why?  I suppose I want to believe the best, and want to hope.  The other reason is that my experience has been that letting my guard down has meant a fresh wound from a passive aggressive knife sliding in my heart, and while my eyes plead and ask him why, he’d deny the existence of a knife.  So my guard remains in place today, and I’ll blog about it instead of relaxing it.  I’ll choose to walk up and down the stairs for exercise, drink an extra glass of water, have a green smoothie, and prepare a positive list for tomorrow’s goals.

My past experience over the years has been that he can feel entirely misunderstood, unappreciated,  and wronged somehow, and all while he’s behaving offensively and hurtfully to someone. It’s weird, it’s sad, it’s entirely straining to wrap my brain around, but a passive aggressive seems to view the world through a kind of victim mentality that wears self-pity and resentment like a comforting shawl as they feel entitled to disrespect, devalue, or abuse another person.

It’s all so convoluted.

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11 Responses to Convoluted

  1. paescapee says:

    I feel for you. Its sad, isn’t it. They just don’t have the ability to empathise with anybody else’s point of view, and combined with a sense of entitlement to punish anyone who they imagine has wronged them- its a dangerous mix. I found it very sad to finally accept that it was safer to assume the worst, and I can see you’re experiencing the same. Best wishes to you- my thoughts are with you.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. newshoes123 says:

    Bad words alright and believe me I’ve said them myself over and over and over again!!

    I’ve let my guard down way too many times to count, because as humans who want to survive, you really do want to expect the best out of people and you want to believe that what someone tells you is going to be the truth. Everyone reading this blog and blogging about passive aggressiveness knows that it’s much more complicated than that. Even though they tell you, show you, try to or make you believe that they will change, these people do not. They will dissapoint you and abuse you in some other way, because that is their way. It’s what they know, what they feed off of. Us abusees come back for more because we want to hope, especially when you love your partner, are a loving person and you are a trusting and slightly insecure soul like myself. I forgive, forget and move on. Except, for a pa person, this is gold. My stbexpah was so good at “being” so sorry about the abuse, tell me he loved me, begged for forgiveness only to get it and turn around and do it all over again just like I was a carpet under his feet. Sometimes within hours of being forgiven too.

    Live and learn they say.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. MarieAD says:

    With the exception of the first six months of marriage to my Ex, I lived this lifestyle as well. I was sucked into the idea that I was not a good enough wife, that I was expecting too much of him, that I was difficult…somehow it was always be apologizing and him feeling justified. I was shut out, ignored, yelled at, belittled, taunted, and even abandoned. The last few months before I left I was severely depressed. Leaving that relationship was the hardest thing I had ever done (I was with him for about 7 years total). Not saying that leaving is the right decision for everyone, but it definitely was for me. Prayers for guidance, peace, support, and love for you.

    Liked by 2 people

  4. lonelywife07 says:

    Hey PJ…I soooo hear you! PA Man sighs soooo heavily…like the weight of the world is on him…poor wee little boy! LOL! Passive Aggressives truly are children in a mans body!!
    I’m really in a good place right now…please God…let it last!!!
    I’ve made quite a few changes in my life….PA Man and I are in separate rooms now…and man! Does it feel GREAT! Of course, I’m in the master bedroom…with the TV! HA!
    I’ll be blogging about some of my changes this weekend….because yep, I’m coming back to the blogging world! The time off was just what I needed….but I have to say…I did miss all my “friends!”
    🙂

    Like

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