My husband is on a long streak of mostly behaving decently, which tends to produce a struggle within me that wants to put up an extra wall to guard myself, and simultaneously to relax and let down my guard.
Why? I suppose I want to believe the best, and want to hope. The other reason is that my experience has been that letting my guard down has meant a fresh wound from a passive aggressive knife sliding in my heart, and while my eyes plead and ask him why, he’d deny the existence of a knife. So my guard remains in place today, and I’ll blog about it instead of relaxing it. I’ll choose to walk up and down the stairs for exercise, drink an extra glass of water, have a green smoothie, and prepare a positive list for tomorrow’s goals.
My past experience over the years has been that he can feel entirely misunderstood, unappreciated, and wronged somehow, and all while he’s behaving offensively and hurtfully to someone. It’s weird, it’s sad, it’s entirely straining to wrap my brain around, but a passive aggressive seems to view the world through a kind of victim mentality that wears self-pity and resentment like a comforting shawl as they feel entitled to disrespect, devalue, or abuse another person.
It’s all so convoluted.