It’s so strange how a passive aggressive man doesn’t need to say the actual words, but can clearly convey that you’ve offended, displeased, missed the mark, done something wrong, not done enough etc., and yet utterly deny that he feels that way until he provokes a reaction. Wordless, he can still show that he disregards, disrespects, and manage to diminish, deny, and damage. Once your frustration, loneliness, sadness, confusion, longing, or angry pain reaches a reaction level, his denial is instantly replaced with accusations aimed lethally to blame you for his behavior.
Over the years, I’ve told my husband that I do want to know if I let him down, if I disappoint him, if I frustrate, anger, offend, or hurt him. I told him that I want to know because I care about him, and because I recognize that I have faults, weaknesses, and blind spots.
The deal is that I want him to care enough to communicate his feelings in a way that’s intended to improve our relationship, in a way that’s delivered in a foundation of love and respect, not flung out like angry monkey turds from a verbal machine gun once he feels entitled to blast me. This seems to be the ultimate purpose of his withdrawals and withholding times.
my life in pajamas 
hmmm he wouldn’t get the opportunity to punish you whilst still remaining the good guy then, would he?!!
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They really are masters at wordless communication. I have been so angry lately – rightly so, I think – about the killing of the soul and body that they can accomplish without saying a word. Like low-level poison dripping from an IV bag into your bloodstream over time that is just as effectively fatal as a higher dose all at once. My daughter spoke to me recently about that wordless tension, what she feels in the air when he is around. It is so grievous.
Thank you for the smile, by the way – “not flung out like angry monkey turds from a verbal machine gun” – love it.
By the way, have you heard from Exodus lately? (Are you out there, Exodus?) I can’t find a more recent comment than November 27, and I am concerned.
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Seeing, you expressed that well, and it definitely has an impact.
I was also wondering about Exodus, but hope she’s busy settling into a new life.
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I hope so, too 🙂
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Yup yup and yup on all points. So many times when accusations started to fly from his mouth about random and small stuff I asked him what he was really upset about, because I knew it couldn’t possibly be about the little things. And it never was, which meant that all of our fights stemmed from some perceive thing I had done that he hadn’t said anything about and was now blowing it out of proportion with sweating the small stuff. We never got anything solved during these conversations (or his yelling matches) or what I call shakedowns designed to break me into submission…
When he or we would meet with the therapist and the therapist would ask him what it was that I did that he thought I could improve or stop doing in order to improve our relationship, there was never anything. Nothing at all. I begged him to tell me, he said each time that there was honestly never anything that I did. I never knew until he blew up and threw it in my face during one of our infamous shakedowns. I gave in everytime, thinking it was all my fault. Taking on the blame just to have it over, because sometimes these shakedowns would last for hours upon hours… the kids were so upset each time, retreating in their respective rooms and plugging themselves to their computers with earphones on, ignoring the storm just outside their doors. I gave in to keep the peace and even when I did give in, the shakedown would continue even though I begged him to stop.
Never between fights when things were calm would he ask to speak to me about something wrong I was doing or something that displeased him… Not once. Lord knows I am not a perfect person nor will I ever be, I’m sure certain things could have been said that would have avoided more fighting and frustration coming from both sides. I can imagine that things could have worked out, but in the end, he was determined to fail at this relationship where I was determine to make it work, but being alone in a relationship does not make a relationship now does it…
I’ve seen the other side of the coin. I am currently with a wonderful patient understanding communicative soul who is able to discuss what pleases and what doesnt please him, he is able to communicate with me and issues are resolved quickly and calmly. There is no drama. I’m actually healing with this new relationship and I’m stronger than I’ve ever been because of it. I realize what it is that I do that can potentially create issues and I’m able to turn them around!! I am also able to discuss issues that bother me, there is always an exchange within calm and respective boundaries, there does not need to be any screaming matches in order to get my point accross. In this new relationship there is respect and set boundaries. I am truly appreciative to have found this strong and wonderful man!! I wish you all the same ladies.
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Oh Pj’s, my heart goes out ot you. It’s like a bottomless bucket and we can never do the right thing or pour enough into their bucket. I was on the receiving end of a personal verbal attack the other day from a family member and I suuddenly saw them and my ex.husband in a whole new light. I’ll share, as it may resonate with you. They have this damage and anger within them. A veritable cauldron bubbling away inside and every now and then it erupts and spews out and splatters whoever is on the receiving end, then they go calm for a little while. It actually bears no relation to anything we have said or done. We are simply there. They are the only ones that can empty their cauldron for good. ❤
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I wish basic communication skills could be taught in elementary school. Disrespect is sometimes punished, but some people still don’t learn how to communicate with respect. I remember telling my daughter I would not listen to her until she lowered her voice and talked to me with respect. I realize that might not work with an “adult” who’s been in the habit of shooting angry monkey turds out of a machine gun for a long time. (Thanks for the laugh. I hope it felt good to write that.) Anyway, do take care of yourself and be safe. Just because you don’t receive love doesn’t mean you don’t deserve it. You do deserve love. You are deeply and profoundly loved by your creator.
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JoAnne, thank you so much for these timely words.
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