The winter gray days

It was rather ironic that I posted to another absentee blogger that I hoped she’d post and update soon.  Here I sit (not writing much lately), and I’m finding it so difficult to let my thoughts and feelings make it past some block into written words.

There was something particularly painful at the end of my son’s visit home at the holidays.  I haven’t been able to process just how much it hurt, what it means, and where to go from there.  That was vague, and I apologize for that.  I’m just not sure how much to say about it all.

I find myself in the part of winter where days seem to slide silently from one to another like cold steel on a silent metal trolley.  This is when not going out much feels the most oppressive.  These are the days when even small victories like walking the stairs up and down, drinking water intentionally, and remembering to take supplements are like dragging my own body forward by the fingernails at a determined crawl.

Maybe it’s the SAD days (seasonal affective disorder).  I don’t particularly like sharing the gritty gray so honestly, because it seems to invite trite platitudes; words that the introvert within me responds to with a veiled look, and then retreats to a place of solitary honesty.  By this afternoon, and after striking against the gray by walking, singing, and staring in the face of depression with Determination, I’ll find the oasis of resolute cheerfulness that will send me to look at ways to acquire a greenhouse, and mentally plan which seeds to buy and start ahead of time for transplanting.

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This entry was posted in covert abuse, depression, emotional abuse, passive aggressive abuse, seasonal affective disorder and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink.

2 Responses to The winter gray days

  1. I think I can say that I know how you feel. The older and weaker I get, the more I dislike winter. I have had a very bad January myself, physically, and other ways. As soon as I start looking forward to spring and the gardening season, I start dreading next winter. What a terrific perspective, right? I will say I am not all that depressed, just very discouraged; not hopeless, but keeping the hope safely tucked away in hibernation lest it get squashed by coming out before the first hints of spring. I will hold off on the platitudes and just that I am glad your “Determination” is still alive and made it’s way into your post 🙂

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  2. AlonewithGod says:

    It sounds like you are under spiritual attack. Depression is the most popular among the enemy’s weapons to squeeze the life from us. Please research the python spirit if you are not already familiar with it. It’s time for Christians to face this demonic presence head on and receive deliverance from it once and for all. I am praying for you, sweetheart. May God bless you and your children abundantly today.

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