One of the best bloggers on passive aggressive abuse recently wrote about feeling stuck. I gave a brief response there that I’m adding to here:
I wrestle almost daily with thoughts that sound very much like yours, only I vacillate back and forth being wanting to just g.o. and wanting to believe we can make it work here.
It’s a gray fatigue that I don’t want to last forever. I set some goals a handful of years ago (so that others were least harmed by my choices), and I’m crawling nearer to that crossroad.
So even though I’m not at the point of ‘this is the time to go’, I swerve from feeling I have to leave or it will kill me, to maybe enough change will happen for me to manage a decent life for what’s left.
It makes me feel crazy if I think about it too much, so I just keep trying to become healthier, and will cross the bridge when I come to it.
Even having said all that, I wonder if I’m so conditioned that I can’t think straight to know the right thing at the right time.
my life in pajamas 
❤
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Thank you for this post. I am feeling the exact same way right now. In my heart I know that the only true path to happiness leads me away from this relationship but at the same time, being in the relationship and tolerating the behavior/constantly being at war/trying to make it work/doing something different has become my normal. My last post was about how people have a hard time letting go of the suffering out of the fear of the unknown. The suffering provides a familiarity for us even though it is unhealthy. Hugs and strength to you xoxo
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Yes, for sure, fear of the unknown is a big one that keeps us going… If i remember correctly you have a daughter, please remind yourself that you have her, to love her is to love yourself as well. For her and for you, please get out. I screwed up my boys by staying… I should have gone many years ago and not stopped at my fears… Take ti from experience. Nothing you can do or say or change will ever make this man love you and your daughter the way that you deserve.
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Hi, I am 26 years old. @ 25 years old, I married my long time bf (5 years). Today, after reading a lot of articles, I just found out that I married PA man. I hate myself because I let him blamed me for all our conflicts through the years. I used to read a lot of books just to improve myself thinking I was the problem. If something is wrong, I tried to open up with him but he always ignores me, refuses to be intimate, withdraws and punishes me. It hurts so much because I KNOW HE WILL NOT CHANGE. He makes me crazy. I just can’t fix problems with him. I am frustrated. I always feel so sad and it wasn’t intentional. I wanted to kill myself. I felt unloved. I hate myself for finding out too late that he is PA man. I should have had save myself from pain and miseries.
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Oh, dear BrokenShell, you are so not alone. What you are discovering after so short a time took me almost two decades to figure out. It destroyed me physically and emotionally and almost spiritually. Please don’t hate yourself. I hated myself and at times I fantasized about killing myself. It is crazy-making and all the things you have described about him are true if he is PA. I could have written almost exactly what you have only I went around and around for many more years until the light came on. My health is gone and I am very ill – but I am holding on believing there is hope for healing physically, emotionally, spiritually, however long it takes. You must hold on and get through the horror of what you have discovered and give yourself time to find a new perspective on what you will do about it. Hold on please. Keep reading and learning. Be kind to yourself. I say again, you are not alone. I feel your suffering.
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I found this comment on The Impact, and replied there, but I want to say again that it’s not too late! Some amazing women have posted and shared here, and I hope you find much support and validation.
If you’re with a passive aggressive man, it will never matter how many hoops you jump through, or how high you jump. There is no pleasing someone who’s hardwired to find a reason to resent you.
I learned the hard way, down a long cold hard road, that the key is to embrace and love yourself. Don’t wait for him to love you.
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My family, neighbors and friends will definitely not understand my situation. Outside our marriage, my husband seemed to be the NICE GUY. They don’t know he this PA man ruined my spirit. I wanted to end my sufferings. I wanted to kill myself. I can’t stand the way he ignores me, blames me, belittles me, and etc…. I don’t deserve this. I feel so trapped. In our country, we do not have divorce laws. I want to leave him but leaving your husband is a taboo in our country.
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I live in the USA, so the laws would not make it impossible to divorce, but I, too, am trapped at present due to custody of my children and my health. I know it feels horrible. My husband has always been the nice guy as well, even a hero and a martyr in everyone’s eyes. I have always been the bad guy and him the good guy. Not anymore. I slowly begin to tell the truth carefully wherever I can, but it is hard. People don’t want to believe the truth. Keep finding support online. I am very isolated due to my health and my support is online. It is a lifeline to others who understand and who care.
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BrokenShell, do you have any kids yet? I want to say that facing a taboo may be preferable to a lifetime of pain and punishment. If ANY of your family and friends love you, they’ll eventually show it by supporting your right to life without abuse.
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Yes it’s a complete conditioning. It took my health, nightmares, anxiety and a slew of other things before I left. The nightmares had gotten so bad, I was barely sleeping. It was not easy to leave, hurt like hell but now that I’m on the other side, I wish I had done it sooner. Keep striving, you’ll get there. I ruined my health, my kids’ sanity, my family (which is what I thought I was staying for) for a man who was not capable of loving any of us. I even still struggle to remind myself it was him and not me but most days, I’m just happy that I don’t spend my whole day thinking day in and day out how broken everything is. He only creeps in 5 to 10 minutes a day now, other than that, I don’t think about him at all (month 7).
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Been there too. I’m still having nightmares but I can go for long stretches of days before I get another one whereas before, I would get them every single night, sometimes several times a night. I have health issues too which I’m working on, a little bit of stress will set it all off again but it’s getting better. I’ve made a commitment to myself and to healing both my heart, my mind and my body from all the crap I endured. I almost don’t think about my expah anymore, except for when I have to deal with him for the boys… I keep it at a minimum and it’s helped quite a bit. I’m glad you did it!! So proud of you, it gets better, honest.
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Okay I’m having the exact same symptoms. If I don’t text him at all about the kids for a week or two at a time, I’m fine. Then something happens and I have to say “I’m home, you’ll have to see kids tomorrow” and I get such a panic attack. Also say at work, something small goes wrong with something I’m working on, I’ll have an anxeity attack as if it’s the biggest deal in the world. The slightest stress sets off my anxiety and it takes an hour or so to pass. I guess I’m right on track. I’m glad you did it also and I’m proud of you as well. I don’t think people reailze how “trapped” you get in the patterns and how hard it is to get yourself out. Once you’re out, you have to stay out and fight hard! Thanks for posting. Your posts are helping me to an incredible degree.
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The stuck feeling lasted for years with me…. I first realized I wanted out when I stopped caring about him entirely, caring what he thought, caring about his health, what he did, etc… I felt numb and wanted out, he convinced me to stay saying he would change, saying he would make a real effort this time (it happened 3 times before), except this time, I didn’t believe him but for our boys, I was willing to give it one last shot. I have to be honest that it wasn’t a fair shot, I didn’t believe anymore that things would change, in my mind if it hadn’t worked 3 times before, what would make it work now?… I couldn’t come up with a convincing argument for myself. But the feeling that stayed with me the whole 3 years was feeling stuck. Unable to go forward, going back into the past and reliving so many events that my brain had just forgotten, PTSD dreams and even if awake a new event would occur and I wouldn’t even be in the new event, I would be stuck in the past in the old event never had I really dealt with it. Stuck, every day, I wrote and wrote about that specific feeling. But funny how life works, and something that I truly believe, the only thing in life that anyone can be sure of is change. Things change. You change, the abusers change (they get better sometimes, most times they get worse or they adapt). The abuse changes, the circumstances change.
It was true for me, one day, as clear as a blue sky, as clear as running water from a tap, it was clear to me that there would never be anything that would change with him so I had to make the change for me. And just like that, things changed. In a split second, I knew that I wasn’t stuck anymore. I knew that I wanted out, and I wanted out for good. No more teetering on the edge of wanting to fix this relationship, no more wanting to stay there for one more second and take the abuse any longer. A split second is all it took to change my life.
It’s been almost a year now that I made that decision, I haven’t looked back unless it’s been to help someone out. Ladies, don’t give up hope, it will happen for you, just stay strong.
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Thanks for this wonderful response!
” I didn’t believe anymore that things would change,” newshoes
I think I’m nearing this.
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A blog is had by me as well, and I think I need to improve the given information I
have on there. Anyways, I just wished to compliment
you on your blog.
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