The dictionary says that a frayed rope has been rubbed so much that its fibers are wearing away. I feel a bit like that, but I’m going to try one more time to see a good counselor (at least I hope she’s good).
I have an appointment set, and so the anxiety begins over leaving the small safe space of this house. Maybe it’s not as safe as it is familiar, but that translates into navigable when your energy feels reduced and your equilibrium feels fragile.
The fray I return to isn’t a battle with my husband, but the battle for my own well being. I should write about second guessing, since it’s the forward and back and forward and back dance that I seem to do on an almost daily basis.
Step one: gather the courage and determination to actually go to the first appointment.
I realize that may sound frightfully simple to most people. It’s not just the concept of trying again with a therapist, but the feelings of almost panic over leaving the house.
The younger me would look at the present me with great disbelief, skepticism, and not a little judgment. I could use some of her wild optimistic courage.
my life in pajamas 
I hope you do indeed make it to your appointment! I am really praying for you. You probably have so many feelings and voices and pullings making this first step seem so daunting but you CAN do it. You are so much stronger then you know. You share your strength with everyone who reads your blog. May I ask, what caused you to try a counselor again? I shared some of my marriage story with a woman from my church. She was so shocked to hear my husband treated me in the ways he does. She did believe me and validate me, which was such a blessing. She gave me the name of a therapist she and her husband used. I told her I would pray about it. I ,like you, wonder if I have the energy and stamina for that. Instead I opted for some coaching from Leslie Vernick. She wrote a wonderful book called, The Emotionally Destructive Marriage. If you haven’t read it, I would highly recommend it. In your blog you had gently advised me to practice self-care and be attentive to myself. Her book says that many times over. 🙂 You are very wise! I hope the therapist can validate the reality of your life and relationships. It is like getting a comforting hug and a dose of energy and sanity. Hang in there and thanks for sharing! So glad to hear from you 🙂
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Yesterday marked the fourth week of counseling for me. Luckily, it was someone my dearest friend recommended. (Funny how these things work, I was gently supporting and encouraging her to see a counselor back at the end of last year. And through her having those experiences, she was able to support me and speak to my pain and hurt and identify some things that were just NOT RIGHT in my marriage.)
It has been very freeing, for me. Partly because there is a little voice that views my supporters with this smidge of doubt and suspicion. (‘Of course they see my side. Of COURSE they agree with me. Of course they are going to be angry at my Ex. And yadda yadda yadda.’)
It’s funny how a 3rd, neutral party has a way of listening and gently speaking to your situation. My counselor is helping me to identify patterns in my life to help me be healthier and make better choices. I thought that, since he was the abuser, that there couldn’t possibly be much for ME to work on. (Boy, was I wrong.) I think ‘enjoy’ would be a difficult word to use, as sometimes I talk about things that are emotional and difficult. But it is nice to have a safe place to do so, and it feels productive.
Maybe let us know how your appointment goes?
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I totally get all of your feelings from the anxiety to leaving the house to the frayed rope. (Which is a perfect analogy) I’ll be anxious to hear how the counseling session goes, I’m so proud of you and impressed that you’re doing it! It sounds so exhausting to figure out and find a good counselor and go.
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A therapist! YAY!!!!!
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So happy for you DJ!
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