I’ve been concerned about how dull I’ve felt. Gray, washed out, and non-caring. I’ve felt little enthusiasm about starting plants for the garden, and because of that, already missed opportune windows for starting some from seed.
Morning began around 5:00 a.m. with a dream about my youngest son. It was a half waking moment when you instinctively transition to prayer. At some point, I knew that sleep was finished, and tiptoed out to start working on the kitchen mess. Around 6:30 a.m., I’d finally just finished when I heard voices at the door. It was my youngest son and his friend. S5 has been gone for a couple days (this has become routine and we’re working out the best way to address it), but was apparently coming in to catch more sleep before he starts work later this morning. (At least in the pattern of self-sabotage, he’s hanging in there with keeping his new job.)
I was suddenly grateful for waking early. I was glad that the kitchen was cleaned up and peaceful. I was in a good head and heart space to see if they were hungry, and get a pillow and blanket for his friend to rest on the couch in the family room. I felt sadness and concern, but not anger.
When we talk soon, if my youngest son chooses to not abide by the house rules and boundaries we set down, I want to not be reactive and angry about what I might feel are poor choices. I’d be sad, but I’d rather just feel that, and let the parting be as peaceful as possible on my side.
I’m aware of the chronic pain in my body like an unpleasant kind of white noise gone awry, but I’m calmer.
I feel a little more alive.
Thank you Lord, for creating that beautiful white horse, and making the way for me to return to counseling.