What I still feel

I’ve been concerned about how dull I’ve felt.  Gray, washed out, and non-caring.  I’ve felt little enthusiasm about starting plants for the garden, and because of that, already missed opportune windows for starting some from seed.

Morning began around 5:00 a.m. with a dream about my youngest son.  It was a half waking moment when you instinctively transition to prayer.  At some point, I knew that sleep was finished, and tiptoed out to start working on the kitchen mess.  Around 6:30 a.m., I’d finally just finished when I heard voices at the door.  It was my youngest son and his friend.  S5 has been gone for a couple days (this has become routine and we’re working out the best way to address it), but was apparently coming in to catch more sleep before he starts work later this morning.  (At least in the pattern of self-sabotage, he’s hanging in there with keeping his new job.)

I was suddenly grateful for waking early.  I was glad that the kitchen was cleaned up and peaceful.  I was in a good head and heart space to see if they were hungry,  and get a pillow and blanket for his friend to rest on the couch in the family room.  I felt sadness and concern, but not anger.

When we talk soon, if my youngest son chooses to not abide by the house rules and boundaries we set down, I want to not be reactive and angry about what I might feel are poor choices.  I’d be sad, but I’d rather just feel that, and let the parting be as peaceful as possible on my side.

I’m aware of the chronic pain in my body like an unpleasant kind of white noise gone awry, but I’m calmer.

I feel a little more alive.

Thank you Lord, for creating that beautiful white horse, and making the way for me to return to counseling.

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3 Responses to What I still feel

  1. I just wanted to let you know that I am out here reading your recent posts and thinking of you. I want to comment more, but I haven’t had the time/energy. I am so glad you are in counseling – and with horses 🙂 I feel your pain with the issues with your sons. Though my sons are a little younger than yours, I see and feel similar attitudes and red flags coming off of them and my heart sinks. I will check in again very soon.

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    • WritesinPJ's says:

      Thanks, Seeing the Light! If you have any way at all, any way at all, try to get in counseling with your sons. If only I had been able to earlier.

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      • Thank you for this PJs. I SO often want to do just that. I am afraid what it might open up that my pseudo-husband (Gregory) could use to his advantage. My kids do not want to do counseling and I am afraid that any pressure from me in that direction would end up in a family counseling situation where my pseudo-husband would manipulate everything to his advantage. With the real possibility of a custody battle at some point, I am trying to be so careful. Gregory is so sneaky, so deceptive. I have to foresee what he might pull in every decision I make and every direction I take. I am SO sick of this!

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