Part of the impact of living with a passive aggressive man, someone who gaslights, is never being sure of myself, not even of my own thoughts or feelings.
I’ve spent (too many) hours of my life trying to understand who my husband is, and what makes him tick. I’ve vacillated between seeing him as an arsehole or a pathologically disordered man; someone who is hopeless or gives me reason to be hopeful.
Presently, I’m focused more on what I need to crawl up and forward. Even so, I continue to research and attempt to move informational puzzle pieces around to make a clearer picture of him. I’ll often manage to purposely just not think of him in those ways. Instead, I try to be mindful of him just as a human being with his own needs, wants, hopes, fears, aches, pains, strengths, and weaknesses. Just another made of dust human being.
It’s difficult when it seems like he’s pushing my buttons, intentionally or unintentionally. In the flight, fight, or freeze spectrum, I seem to be returning more to the fight response. Now I’m trying to remind myself that disengaging is not freezing or running, but a proactive response.