Never sure

Part of the impact of living with a passive aggressive man, someone who gaslights, is never being sure of myself, not even of my own thoughts or feelings.

I’ve spent (too many) hours of my life trying to understand who my husband is, and what makes him tick. I’ve vacillated between seeing him as an arsehole or a pathologically disordered man; someone who is hopeless or gives me reason to be hopeful.

Presently, I’m focused more on what I need to crawl up and forward. Even so, I continue to research and attempt to move informational puzzle pieces around to make a clearer picture of him.  I’ll often manage to purposely just not think of him in those ways.  Instead, I try to be mindful of him just as a human being with his own needs, wants, hopes, fears, aches, pains, strengths, and weaknesses.  Just another made of dust human being.

It’s difficult when it seems like he’s pushing my buttons, intentionally or unintentionally.  In the flight, fight, or freeze spectrum, I seem to be returning more to the fight response.  Now I’m trying to remind myself that disengaging is not freezing or running, but a proactive response.

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3 Responses to Never sure

  1. Masqued says:

    My counselor told me I can make myself crazy trying to figure out an individual who is manipulative, controlling and impossible to understand. It is so hard to shut that side on my curiosity off, though. I think it is natural to question, and wonder. But we can’t explain irrationality with rationality.

    Hang in there.


  2. lonelywife07 says:

    Now that I’ve accepted that PA man is never going to change….it’s made me happier! Crazy, huh? LOL!
    I no longer try to figure him out, I no longer wonder what he meant by something he said or did…If he’s passive aggressive towards me, I call him out on it, like I wrote about on my current blog post….but other than that, I do what I want, I do what makes me happy, I’m starting counseling next week…and I don’t really know why I’m going to counseling, other than I just feel it’s what I need for right now in my life….maybe I just need to talk to someone who will understand my sadness over letting my hopes and expectations for my marriage die. I guess maybe I need to grieve over my marriage…
    Right now, things seem to be more peaceful in my home…and I feel I’m “staying well” as Leslie Vernick talks about in her book, “The Emotionally Destructive Marriage.”
    As long as I don’t push PA Man to open up emotionally…to help me feel safe…he is happy… So I leave him alone, because I’m learning to let God be my Comforter and to give me the peace that I need. 🙂


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