Name that feeling

Questions that I hear in therapy:  What are you feeling right now?  Where do you feel it?  Which part of your body? 

The same wonderful white horse was waiting for me again.  This time I was ready with some apple bites (organic of course).  Oh, how I love that white horse!  She lets me know when I need to breathe and calm and focus, and she validates my efforts.  Yesterday she paid me a great compliment by getting sleepy while I was talking and brushing her.

Last week I was able to share something that was an extremely painful memory, but I was able to tell it without tears or symptoms of PTSD.  My equine teacher helped me to do that.  I didn’t feel shaken, or that I was reliving it.  It was like being stabilized while something powerful coursed through me without harming me.

Yesterday, my gentle and powerful friend gave me a new lesson.  She taught me that my affection is valued and enjoyed.  There was no hidden agenda.  She accepted that I was in the moment, and truthful.  What I was giving her was welcome, and there was no waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under my feet.  Just trust between us.  The kind of trust you build slowly and rest in.

As I stood there with her, I felt something so different, like a beautiful scent that floats to your awareness and awakens memories.  I’d felt it before, but so long ago that it was like a gradual awakening from a long sleep.

I asked myself, What am I feeling?

Happy… yes… Yes!  This is happiness!

This morning it feels like a hidden flower in my pocket that leaves that same soothing scent on my fingers when I reach to touch it.

I can still touch happy.

This entry was posted in equine therapy, passive aggressive abuse, PTSD and tagged , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Name that feeling

  1. I got goosebumps when I read your post – literally. I have had similar moments in the past year or so of awakening to the feelings and experiences of life and joy that had been gone so long and were now foreign to me. You described it so well, (but then you are a gifted writer). I am so “happy” for you. I want to tell you to savor it thoroughly, but I think you already are doing just that 🙂


    • WritesinPJ's says:

      Seeing, it means a lot that you understand, and thank you for the kind words! It makes me wonder what an entire day, then week, then month of feeling mostly that way would be like, or if that’s even possible now.


  2. Jane Thorne says:

    ❤ xX


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