I don’t want to be passive aggressive

Right as I was finishing the previous post, I got up to talk with him before he left to drive to town on errands.  I had a short grocery list, and checked to make sure he remembered his wallet.

We both just looked at each other, and I said, “I don’t want to fight.”

He said, “I don’t want to be faithless anymore.  I don’t want to be passive aggressive.”

Then we just stood there and silently hugged for half a minute.

“Drive safely,” I replied.

What was that?

I’m asking myself what it means, and asking in prayer if it means anything.  Is it just the same broken litany of shallow good intentions?  Does integrity ask me to respond with mercy and grace?  Can I survive another possible gutshot if it comes?

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6 Responses to I don’t want to be passive aggressive

  1. newshoes123 says:

    The thing is, it doesn’t mean you don’t love him or have affection for him and care about him. But they do not change these people, they will continue on doing what they do because they cannot see themselves any other way or want to be any other way, regardless of what they say or the good intentions they may have and believe me they are sincere when they say they want to change. My expah went into therapy countless times, I left him 3 times before finally giving it one last shot only to realize it was never going to get any better. Instead he found new ways or more subtle ways to abuse me. They can adapt but will never truly embrace the change. My expah showed his true colors one day, that was it for me. It was almost as if he was holding it in all this time, festering everything until he blew up once and for all. He has a girlfriend now, I’ve heard that she tells him what to do, lollll. Only a matter of time before he starts resenting her and doing his pa stuff again.

    I left because my mind, my self respect and my body (got sick physically after every pa episode) couldn’t take anymore. It didn’t get better because I stayed in the house several months before I found a place to stay, it got much much worse but in the end I regret nothing at all. Gave it my all for so long, I took my reverence and called it a day. Don’t be afraid PJs, get out of those pajamas and into your new life. You can do it. I garantee you will be a heck of a lot happier and your girls deserve this too.


  2. GainingStrength says:

    3% of abusive men change (personally I was surprised it was that high!).

    Remember, it’s not about you, it’s about him. The women can come and go and he’ll treat all of them the same as he’s treating you.

    It’s not about you, it never was.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Anonymous says:

    That’s right Gaining, it’s never about us although we do have a part to play in the relationship for sure. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not blaming us for anything, we didn’t “choose” to be abused, they chose us to abuse. I should have listened to the first counsellor I went to who told me point blank that I could accept what he was throwing at me or get the hell out… for various circumstances I decided to stay, stupid me. That’s my fault. I can’t blame him for that. However, countless times I asked to be treated lovingly and with respect and I didn’t get it. Denying what you want is the key to their happiness… weird I know. But it’s the truth.


  4. lonelywife07 says:

    I do believe your husband doesn’t want to be PA…some days….just like I believe my PA Man doesn’t want to be PA…some days….And those days ere when we threaten THEM by taking a stand and either shut them out or talk about separation/ divorce….then they panic and they “don’t want to fight…or don’t want to be PA.”
    But it never lasts. Ever. They can’t change…. I’ve given up expecting PA Man to change, and now I’m happier and I do my own thing, and I expect nothing from him…it’s better that way.


    • GainingStrength says:

      If you read Why Does He Do That? you’ll stop calling them PA’s. They are covert aggressive abusers. And they DO want to continue being covert aggressive, with or without you. If they didn’t want to be that way, you would see changes happening, and you don’t. They DO because they CAN.

      Are you really happier doing your own thing? Really? You can make yourself believe this, but reality has a way of inserting itself in your believe world. Painful but totally true.

      I believe it’s FEAR that holds most women in these relationships. The fear that the abusers oh so subtly and thoroughly implanted deep into our souls, heart, and minds. Fear of the unknown, the what ifs, the doubts, and the shame all supplied by the abusers.

      We all gain knowledge, courage, and strength at the time that is right for us. Every one’s journey is different. May you seek the Lord’s love, comfort, and wisdom as you walk your journey’s path.


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